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pancake's Blog


not in a good place, but not as bad as yesterday

Posted by pancake , 26 July 2014 · 33 views

 ive been so down the last few days. worse than ive been in years. so much pain and so many tears. i thought id end up in hospital i just didnt know how to cope. Finally all this pain came out and i cried so hard that my body curled up from the tension. i dont know what it was about, i just know im very scared. My ocd and intrusve thoughts have gone...


please someone take the stress away from me

Posted by pancake , 24 July 2014 · 46 views

god im really struggling right now, worse than ive been in years. i feel  like i cant cope. work is stressing me out and i dont knwo if i want to be there anymore. I feel stuck, i dont know if i should leave or not. My ocd has gone through the roof, intrusive thought about contracting hiv from a tattoo i got because some careless peron said they use...


I cant stop blaming myself.

Posted by pancake , 19 July 2014 · 52 views

This is so hard to write about and its not about the abuse but so much emotion goes in to feeling guilt and bad about this memory.
when i was about 8-10 i think, i went to a birthday party of someone i knew but not very well. At the party there was a dad holding a baby. I asked to hold her and when he said no i kept asking. In the end he let me hol...


hard to talk about *trigger warning*

Posted by pancake , 17 July 2014 · 80 views

when i was about 16 or 17 i had a feeling my dad was watching me in the shower. He refused to put blinds on the window of the bathroom and i was upset so kept sticking paper to the window to hide myself while showing. At the time although i thought he was watching i was suppressing it. Like part of me throught that but not my concious part. him and his w...


i am me

Posted by pancake , 15 July 2014 · 165 views

am the impossible. I am the blank page to start from scratch. I am the one no one believed, a vision, a dream, a crazy idea. Im millions of questions, the endless search for answers that no one has found before. Try, error, try, error, again and again. I am emerging, I've grown, im getting there. Look at me, i am the victory. Over fear, over doubt, over r...


things i cant or didn't have. possible triggers

Posted by pancake , 12 July 2014 · 50 views

This may sound a bit odd but when i look at old photos of groups of friends or any happy past memory, even if i know them or not. I get this feeling inside. I used to think this is what nostalgia feels like but its not a good feeling its like a sadness and loss i guess. I missed out on so much, i. Couldn't get close to people and so i had no photos of the...


working out work

Posted by pancake , 08 July 2014 · 23 views

Been feeling bit funny about work recently. I gave my heart to the job, i had nothing else. I considered the ppl i worked with like family. One by one they either left or stabbed me in the back. It hurt, it felt like i wasn't good enough to stick around for. But the ppl stabbing me in the back, treating me inappropriately was uncalled for. Then came the l...


In my shoes (poem)

Posted by pancake , 08 July 2014 · 40 views

In My Shoes
If you could walk in my shoes
for one moment or one day
You'd see how my heart was shattered
in so many different ways
You'd see the torment at every turn
and how i fight to breathe
You'd see the sorrow and the guilt
that should not be part of me
You'd see the tears roll down my face
when im alone...


The two fingered salute (poem) (poss trigger)

Posted by pancake , 08 July 2014 · 15 views

The Two Fingered Salute
I was just a child,
my innocence you stole.
My character you were meant to build,
and my heart your meant to hold.
Instead of being what a father should be,
you were evil through and through.
Making me believe that I was bad,
but the bad one was only you.
You chang...


Where seagulls soar. (poem)

Posted by pancake , 08 July 2014 · 24 views

Where seagulls soar
Upon the rock where seagulls soar,
and grass does lushly grow.
there is a special place for me,
when feeling low, I go.

surrounded by thyme and amongst the green,
my heart does softly beat.
for inside my special place do I,
and my angel meet.
The building though time has bared its...

July 2014


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