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Every since I could remember I had been abused. I was abused as a baby and to this day I have been abused. I suffered abuse at the hands of my mothers, my ex stepmother, some boyfriends, an ex husband ( shockingly still do ), honestly my current boyfriend I feel does too ( just not as noticeably, at least he wouldn't see it ), and my rapist. So it seems that abuse is what all that I know. I'm not going to get into the other abuse right now, that will be another time. But I wanted to take time to talk about what happened to me. Because it changed me. Changed who I am now. I don't like who I am right now. I want the old me back but I am afraid that that person is gone. She is lost and can't find her way back. All because of something that one person did. You see, I had a friend ( well not much of a friend now )and we used to have days where we would stay at each others house with our kids. She has 2 ( a girl and boy ) and I have 4 living kids ( all girls ). So we used to get them together to play and we would hang out and talk. We would even help watch each others kids. When I lost my home she let me stay with her. And if it was my weekend with my kids they would join me there too. Then one day we were hanging out. I was staying the weekend with her because she lived in the town where my kids went to school at. My oldest daughter was in soccer at the time ( because it was spring and basketball was over, which she plays too )and she had practice and the next day a game. I didn't have a car so I asked if we could stay with her since I knew there would be an issue with her dad if I asked him to help. I hated that he would put her in things knowing I didn't have car and couldn't always find a way to get her there. Last time I asked him to take her to practice because it was raining he told me i needed to step up and be a parent. Well i had three other kids who i didn't want to havce to walk in the rain. And he was going to go watch. So anyway I was able to stay with her. I took my daughter to her practice but the game ended up gettign cancelled. Friday night she was going to go on a drive to pick up her friend or ex boyfriend to bring him back to her house becasue he was going to be staying there with her. So she took her son with her and her daughter stayed with me and my kids. Things went fine that night. Saturday my friend and her kids and Sin were going to her mothers for either her birthday or just some get together. they were gone most the day. When they got back they had a bottle of whipped vodka with them and some orange soda. After the kids had all laid down and was alseep we all three had a drink. We were using Mcdonld sweet tea cups. I never had it before so she made my drink for me. she made it on the weak side. I drank that one and then I asked her to make me another one. but a little stronger. I drank that one. I was feeling just fine that night. I was not drunk, i was not even buzzed. I was completely coherent of my surronds and what everyone was doing. she was stretched out on her L shaped couch and I was sitting at the end of her feet which was right at the turn and then he was right there next to me. there was space between us. Well he was on his laptop and I wasjust trying to be nice and have a conversation with him and be nosy at the same time. I leaned over a little bit to look at his screen and asked him what he was doing. he turned his screen away from me and then something was said and then somehow he started showing me pictures of his kids. Because i remember her getting mad because she never got to see them. she even said at least you get to see his fucking kids, i haven't even been able to see them. Like what is the big deal. So that was it. we hardly talked to each other didn't interact with each other after that. I went back to texting a friend of mine and it got to be about 2 or 3 am and he and i decided it was time to stop texting and get some sleep. so we said good night. Then I laid on the floor next to my three year old. I must of been tired because the next thing i remember is I woke up because my back was hurting me and I was having trouble breathing and he was already on top of my back doing "it". I don't remember my pants being pulled down, or my underwear. i don't remember anything but waking up from hurting and not being able to breath and I was being raped. I was still laying beside my 3 yr old who was still asleep and across the room on the other couch was two of my other children. my 6 yr old and my 8 yr old. I stayed quiet. I kept my eyes close. I did not want any of my girls to wake up. I just kept saying to myself please let them stay aleep. And then he was done. He got off of me. I laid there waiting for daylight. I fell back to sleep waiting because when i woke everyone was still asleep. even my kids. i got up and I went upstairs and I wuickly took off all my clothes and i showered. I scrubbed myself and scrubbed myself and I cried and cried. i never thought that something like that would ever happen to me. never. But it did. After I showered I woke all the kids up. every single one of them. even hers. I got them fed and i took them to the school to play. I wanted away from the house but I had to finish my visit with my kids. I didn't want to lose that time with them. i didn't want to think about what happened to me. So we played at the school for a few hours. Walked home and me and my oldest walked to sheetz. the others stayed at the house and played in the backyard because my friend was up. at sheetz i ran into another friends niece. she used to watch my girls for me. So she came up to the house and me and her and my friend were all on the back porch while all the kids played outside. I did everything possible to stay away from him. I remember being in the house and he was awake and he said something to me but I don't remember what. Once 6 pm came around the girls went home to their dads. he happened to live across the street from my friend. I then called for my boyfriend to come get me. and he did. outside he and my friend talked for a few and i sat there silent. waiting to tell him what happened. I did not say anything to her because she causes scenes. and she is loud. and i didn't want my ex to hear about it yet. because of how he is. so once my boyfriend drove away and we were out of that town I was trying to tell him what happened. I had trouble telling him too. I couldn't find the words. so i finally blurted it out. That I was raped last night. By sin. he wanted to turn around and go back but i stopped him from doing so. We went to our friends house ( where i was staying at the time, had no place of my own) and my boyfriend asked him to come over to the truck. He told him what happened and he ended up calling someone he knew for some adivice. It was to go to the hospital. My boyfriend drove me there and that was it. I wouldn't go in. I couldn't go in. To have these people know what happened. I was crying and shaking and told him im not going in. He couldn't even go in with me because he was getting sick outside. so he called his dad and he went in with me. he even stayed til police came. Oh I did forget to mention that i called me friend before going to the hospital and told her what happened and all she could say is " i don't know what to say" and she said it several times. that was it. our conversation was done and it was the last i talked to her. she was done being my friend because of my "drama". whatever. So back to the hospital. once the police got there and an advocate from your safe haven arrived my boyfriends dad left and my boyfriend was still outside. They did the whole rape kit stuff. asked for my pants ( which i told them to throw away..)i gave my statement and after while I was finally able to leave. There was another day where i had to go to the police building and go over my statement again. the whole pick it apart kind of thing. I hated that. it was coming across like I was lying about the whole thing. He had me in tears. I was so upset. But they were just doing their job. SO now it was time i guess for them to question him. But they had to find him first. seems he took off. but took off to where? nobody knew. She wasn't telling the cops nothing. Seems like to me that she should have been punished for interfering but they didn't do nothing to her. So for a year and a half he was on the run. Meanehile, here I am not able to go back to work because everyone scared me. the costumers, my make employees. I didn't know who to trust and i still don't. I don't like it when a man is walking behind me. I have to look and see where everyone is at all times and when your in a store trying to shop it is hard because people move. and when they do i get scared as to where they went. and what they are going to do to me. I don't like being in aisles alone. Heck i don't go to store or anywhere alone anymore. i have really bad panic attacks. Two guys delivered a washer we ordered and it turned out to be two black guys and i had a panic attack. I couldn't be upstairs withthem while they were putting it in and setting it up. I was too scared to. it was to close to where the bedrooms are. who knows what they could have done to me if i was to be up there. I cried while they were here. I was shaking when i had to sign my name that they were here because i was scared. I didn't like them being here. My boyfriend felt bad but he has to work. I tried so hard to get someone to come over and be here with me but I couldn't find anyone. I hate who i am. this isn't me. I used to be friendly. would talk to anyone. now i keep to myself. i don't talk to anyone I dont know. male wise. have no issues with women. I can't take my kids anywhere by my self because I am afraid of what will happen to me or to them. After my ex found out what happened I lost time with my kids. He took my overnights away from me. it was bad enough he tried to portray me as a bad mom when i was a stay at home mom and always cared for my kids. I love my kids and would do anything for them. So I lost time with my kids, I lost who I was, i lost being able to go back to work. I didn't want to be here anymore. I couldn't take lossing my kids like i did. I thought since he took my kids from me, The only thing that was keeping me going was my kids and I lost them. My ex had all the control over that. So vindictive he is. At that time the only thing that I thought was best for my kids was to not be here. Because I failed them as a mother. So two days after the modification of the custody order ( ehich he does to me often, or did ) i was sitting in my room at pap and grams ( that is what i called them, they were actually my friends dad and her gram )and I took one of my new razors and broke it. I broke it to use the blade and I just sat there making cuts in my arm. One right after the other. i watched as blood would start coming out of some of them and it felt good. They hurt. just as I was hurting on the inside I was now hurting on the outside. The pain that I was feeling on the inside I brought to the surface and brought it to the outside. where i can control it. I can control how bad i hurt on the outside. because i could make the cuts deeper if i wanted to or i could do just what I did. I cleaned them up. put band aids on them, put a long sleeve shirt on. Wiped my tears away and just went on going. for months I would do that. anytime i had a panic atack I would cut open one of the scars so to not make any new marks. any pain i felt inside I would cut to bring the pain to the surface so i could control it better. to make it go away. i hated that he was out there. doing whatever he wanted without having to worrty about anything. Living freely day to day. without having to look over his shoulder like i was doing. It was not fair that he was having the time of his life while here i was suffering for what he did. He took my life from me. He took me away from me. he took my kids mother away from them. I lost time with my kids because of him. I lost my sense of feeling safe and secure because of him. I lost the closeness of my relationship with my boyfriend because of him. And it still suffers at times because of what happened. he can't leave my side in stores because i panic. I start yelling for him. or i walk all over the store looking up and down aisles for him in a panic not knowing did he go outside. i thought by now I would be okay. That it would go away now that he is caught and has been in jail. But it hasn't. Because if he was able to do it to me, that just means that anyone can do it. Nobody is safe. only women are...the guys that are out in the stores when i am, they could be just fine but hey could also be someone who can hurt me. I know it has to be hard on my friends and on my family but I can't help how I am now. I can't help that I get scared of strangers. I am this way now because of the actions of one man, not even, he doesn't deserve to be called a man because a "man" would not have done what he did. I lost a lot of things because of him. I don't feel safe to work around anyone anymore. I pretty much feel as if I am now a hermit. Unless i am with soemone I trust. I don't leave my house. not outside of where i live. i will take me dog for walks because thankfully I live near a whole bunch of mennonites and they are always out driving doing something that i feel safe to walk my dog. my dog who is protctive of me. but I can't take her shopping with me. or to doctor appointments. so I try to avoid that if I can. Or I go with someone who i know will stay by my side. he ruined my life. I can't watch certain shows anymore either. i used to love watch law and order svu...but now i can't. It was nice seeing them catch the bad guys and put them away. all within an hours time...that is so not how reality is. I wish it all happened that fast. But I can't watch it no more because it brings back flashbacks everythime. so i now avoide it. i try to avoid movies like that too but sometimes you don't know that part is going to be in a movie...so i get flashbacks again and nitemares. I just want my life back. And I want him to pay for what he has done to me. for all that he caused. I want him to be honest and admit thathe in fact did rape me. i was never asked and i never told him he could do that to me. He just took it on his own free will. i want an apology. as crazy as it sounds i think i deserve to have an apology for what he did. i will never forgive him. and i will never forget. but I think he should at least apologize to me for what he did to me, to my children, to my family, my friends, my boyfriend. He should apologize to all of us because it is them who now have to deal with the way i am, it is them who now help me through my daily life. that helps keep me going instead of giving up. I have to have help on learning how to relive in the outside world because of this. that is how scared i am of being by myself. I hate him. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! For all that you caused by being selfish. You are a shelfish person. You only cared about you and what you wanted. You didn't only hurt me and my family, friends and so fourth, but you hurt your own children. Because they are now losing their dad because of what you did. I hope you kids don't grow up having to deal with what i do. I hope your son grows up to know it is wrong to rape women and i pray that your daughter is never raped. But keep in mind you raped someones daughter, someones sister, someones mother. Think of how you would feel if it was your child.
Im supposed to write a letter because he is caught and they want a letter from me on how this affected my and my life...I haven't been able to write it yet but I think I just did...
0 Comments On This Entry
Sin was not his name...but it fit him...my story, may trigger...
on Feb 08 2013 09:03 AM
a look into my life before I joined here..( a better way to get to know who i am )
on Feb 05 2013 08:42 AM
what's it all mean..
on Feb 05 2013 08:23 AM