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a look into my life before I joined here..( a better way to get to know who i am )

Posted by broken78 , 05 February 2013 · 17 views

Thursday, August 30th, 2012

okay so I guess for now until i figure out how to get my password right or at least afford someone to fix the problem i will have to write here. I have done gone and lost my mind with trying to figure it out that I totally and completely forgot what it was that I wanted to write about...that stinks! I really wanted to write and had so much to say and now i have nothing to really say but if you are going to make a password. make it food item that only you know what it is....there's lots of foods to chose from so it shouldn't be to hard...

Until then good night!

Friday, August 31st, 2012

Well I was able to remember this password. I had another strange dream last nite. Had the girls in it. This time it also had pap and gram in it. I do remember it being around a holiday and it wasn't at the trailer. Because I remember there being an upstairs. But I don't remember what the point of the dream was about. Was just strange. I wonder if I will ever be able to get into my other thoughts that I wrote. It would really stink if I couldn't because I have wrote so much...but maybe in a way it's a good thing...there were a lot of bad feelings in it. But they were my feelings. That I was feeling at the time. From the day of the court on July 11th up til the 23rd where I changed the password and don't even remember it. Like I said, maybe it's a good thing. At least I know that nobody, not even me, will see all the things that I wrote about. They may be lost forever just as I felt lost when I wrote all of it. I still sometimes feel lost...

I have been reading this book called Dancing in the Rain and it is a very good book. Based on a true story about a girl named Drue who has depression and after a boy breaks up with her is when it comes out and she starts to self mutilate herself. She cuts for a lot of reasons. I know how she feels as far as how the cutting makes her feel. She feels like the cutting is a pain that she can control while as the pain that the world leaves on her is something that she can not control. And she feels that God rewards her with good days and good things happening if she does it. Like she does it for him. As a sacrifice. When I did it it was because I was hurting and I didn't know how to deal with the pain I was feeling on the inside so I had to make me hurt on the outside as well. I felt and sometimes still do, that I was losing everything in my life so why was I to live to lose more? Is there really anything else to lose? I already lost my girls. It's not like they are just an hour away or anything and I can go see them anytime. They are states away and I am going to miss things in their life. Things I shouldn't miss. But that was not thought about. It was not thought about how this was going to affect me, as their mother, who carried them and gave birth to them. I understand he had to put their “best interest” first, but was moving away from their ONLY mother really in their “best interest”? I would like to think not. I know what it's like to live states away from a mother. I had to live it as a child. Only difference is I truly didn't care as I was no longer available to be abused. Well until summer visits. Was money really worth taking them away from me? Does he not realize that once they get old enough and I know I can trust them with telling them the truth that I will. And that they will then know how things really were...he just wasn't thinking at all about how this will really truly deep down affect them at all...i bet once they start acting out after the newness wears off he will then know. But is he going to care at all...he made living down there so exciting that it was forget about seeing your mom whenever you can, I will but you this and this when we move down there. I don't know. I'm trying to be happy for the girls but it is just so hard to be when you miss them and wish you could see them to hug them and kiss them. To be able to do it yourself instead of asking someone else to do it...

Sunday, September 2nd, 2012

Well I finished the book I have been reading and now I have to find something else to read. May just wait and see what Roseann has. Lol she seems to have some good ones since she has some about what I am going through.

I seen Dr. Rajan on Friday the 31st. I told him about me not sleeping and so he gave me a pill to help me sleep. It works. But boy does it make me act weird. I totally don't remember things from last nite that john was telling me. Or the night before that. But at least I sleep at night instead of laying awake. And I'm not sleeping during the day although I really feel like I could right now. I'm just fighting it really bad. I wanna close my eyes and just drift off to far away places so I don't have to be here. Here where there are reminders of things I don't want to remember. There is good memories here too but it is the bad ones that are affecting my life. They are affecting my life and yet nobody really notices. They notice what the meds are doing to me but if it weren't for them I would not be here. I have depression and if I am to stop taking them I am afraid of what would happen. And the anxiety, hello, we know why I am taking that, you take that and I go somewhere that has a bunch of guys life Friday nite at Juanita did and we will have bigger problems. I don't really take the pills for my back unless I can feel it hurting. And I always take the one for my heart.

Okay I think while Jason is here and upstairs with john I'm going to get off here and rest my eyes. That way I don’t sleep and I will do good tonight.

Monday, September 3rd, 2012

Today started out nice. I woke up to Johns alarm and since he didn't have to work because of labor day we made love, were intimate, whatever you wanna call it. I like when we do it in the morning. I now get to wake up and walk outside with him and have a cup of coffee on the nicely built porch.

I took my medicine last nite and I actually remember some things. I remember talking to John when he came home ( he woke me up to go to bed ) about the coyotes. He said that they heard them but they didn't come out. So last nite I remember things.

For tonight, I am going to try and not take the sleeping pill and see what happens. I took it for only 3 days so I am going to attempt to not take it for 3 days and see how I sleep after that. I have to go on the 6th to have my teeth taken out so I may start taking them again after that happens. You know if your in a lot of pain you don't sleep well. I will wait and see how the pain is first. I really don't like what this pill does to me, but I like that I been sleeping all night for the most part. There was two days where I woke up only once. I think I somehow need to get somewhere that some wifi going on and look up foods that will help better my body and mind and start trying that. I would still have my doctor monitor me but stick to the foods. Maybe I will even lose some weight as well...never know.

Okay I am going to go for now so I can finish up fixing my coffee and go sit outside and drink it and take in the day. See whats going to happen, what we are going to do on labor day!

Bye for now.....

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

I really surprised myself today! I actually got some house chores done before 10 am. John left me a list of things to do today. I don’t know if it was because he thought I would do more or what but I kinda didn't mind it today. Helps keep me busy and it was things that I could do. So I swept the house like it said, did the trash and put bags in all the cans that we do have out, and I painted the laundry room. I even kept going. I washed the whole floor downstairs. Got all the dishes done. Made sure I checked the mail. Made dinner. And then I waited for John to come home. I knew he was going to go to his parents to get a shovel so I guess I should have known that he may have also ate there. I think for now on when he says he will be stopping by his parents house I am not going to cook. Because I feel like I cooked for nothing. I mean why bother to make something if I am the only one who may eat it. I didn't even really want to eat. I ate a very small plate just so I can say I did eat and actually mean it. Not to just say it so I don’t get yelled at for not eating. I try hard to make sure he is happy and to make sure I keep the house clean and food made for him. Just feels like at times it's not appreciated. But that is a normal thing for us women as men would like to put it. All we do is bitch bitch bitch...even though it's not. If you are just trying to say how you feel or what's on your mind it shouldn't be called that. Then again that is why I write it here. So I can get it out and not have to worry bout anything.

So last night I didn't take a sleeping pill. After helping john I was thinking I wore myself out enough that I shouldn't need it. Well, I still tossed and turned. I woke up several times as well. John said I slept all night but its not sleeping all night if you see the clock and you know you toss and turned. He slept right through me doing that. He hardly budged at all.

I wonder why I can't lose any weight? I'm so freaking fat! I try to eat better. Try to watch what I eat...and not as it goes in my mouth like some people say being goofy....i even exercise...but to no avail...what am I doing wrong? I want to get rid of my belly so I can wear nice clothes. Not hooker type of clothes but nice clothes. I want to wear jeans without my but looking 3 times the size it is. I know it probably looks like that. I can't do anything about my boob size so that will have to just stay the same. But I wouldn't mind having a nicer body. I wish I had the will power to just not eat but I know when John is around I have to. Unless I say I already ate. I don’t have the means to throw it up either. I don't know how anyone does that. Just gets frustrating to be doing these dvds or the walks/jogs with angel if the aren't doing me any good. I think once I get these teeth out I may lose some weight. We will see.

Wow I just took notice that it has been a lil while since John and I have watched a movie together. Probably because of when we tried watching them while I was taking the sleeping pill. I always took it an hour before we normally go to bed. I think tonight I am going to not take it again and see what happens. It does make me feel weird and see things but at least I do sleep with it. There's an idea...if I ever don't wanna wake up to this messed up life maybe if I don't take them and save them I can take all of them and never wake up. Then I don't have to worry if “he” is still out there and if “he” is where is he? Is he hurting someone else like he did me? Are the police really doing anything at all to try and find him and just giving me the runaround? Also if I don't wake up I won't have to deal with Lloyd having control over me. He still does. And he knows it. Because every time we go to court it turns out in his favor. He took the girls from me. I don't get to see them as often. I have to wait 113 days yet to see them. And then who knows how many more after that. I have to miss Danica turning 5. I miss Christians morning with them where as before we each had a year where we had the Christmas morning. I don't know hopefully if I can get this paper filled out and somehow ask john for the 34 dollars or maybe someone else I can trust...things may get changed around. But I don't even know who to ask.

Eww I think someone hit a skunk because of all sudden it smells...unless I need to put on more deodorant. Wow I been only typing for a half hour and I got more done typing then when I would try to write things down in a journal. So much easier. And it is also still a half hour that I have been waiting to find out if john was going to come down and watch a movie with me. But I guess not. He has been up in “his” room doing whatever it is that he does sometimes. I know he needs alone time to but gosh darn it, at least watch a movie with me or something in the evenings. I'm home all day by myself so when he gets home I think oh yay someone to talk to...but nope. Well it is when he first gets home and it's normally work stuff. I try to tell him bout my day but he never seems to listen because I don't think he cares. Again that is why I have a journal. To talk about what is on my mind and say to someone how my day was. Not that you can answer back or anything. But at least I get it out and try to talk about it.

I can hear him up there moving around and now he is coming down here. This will be funny because I know he is probably now gonna wanna watch something but it just seems kind of funny that it is almost close to what time he likes to go to bed so it almost seems like what is the point anyway. But he is in there in the kitchen getting something to drink and getting some cookies to eat.

Oh great he is now saying that now he knows what I do all day and it's being on here all day. Like hell. I am hardly on here during the day. Tonight is the most that I am on here. He said that the electric bill is higher this month then it was the month that the girls were here. Like being on here has anything to with it. It makes it sound like it was thousands of dollars or something. Heck I bet it is still under 100 dollars. I do other stuff to. I work out more since they left. So the TV is on more and it uses more power then this does. Oh well I am not going to stress over it because it would be pointless to. Oh an just for the record he is here with me but he is eating cookies and no we are not about to watch a movie. That would take to much effort. I don't know, maybe he just doesn't want to be bothered by me. Or I'm just here to cook and clean for him and so he can have a piece when ever he is in the mood for it. Wow I just realized that almost sounds like deja vu....Lloyd was the one who always seemed to want it more then me and now here I am feeling like I want it at times that john probably don't. Well I don't thing it is that. It is just that for some reason if he isn't in the mood he don't want it. But also I noticed is that he never does anything to get me started. I always pleasure him but he does not do the same for me. I could douche and shower and really scrub in there really good and he still wouldn't go down on me like I do him. I really thing it is because he does not find me attractive. Like he says sometimes that he likes a certain pair of pants on me but he never says you look nice today honey. Or anything like that. I wonder if I am doing something wrong or if maybe he really isn't attracted to me anymore. Maybe he is tired of me.....

It is 945 and I think he is going to bed. Already. Am I supposed to go up too? Or should I just wait til 10 then go up? I’m so confused as to what I should do. I know if I go now he is going to say something like I am a big boy I can go to bed by myself. If I go now is he going to want to get some? After he has been sweating? He doesn't shower as often as I thought he does. Unless he is getting ready to now. If he is and if I can still get into his phone I am going to have to see what he has been sending and what not. I wonder if he sends things to Tracy but then deletes them so I don't see them? I would really like to see one if he did because then I can just up and leave one day after I get my money and what I will do is get my own phone and my own bill and that way I don't have to hear him complain. At least that is what I say for now. It may change if I see him change.

Well I am going to get off here....until next time....night!

Wednesday, November 7th, 2012

Well today was okay I guess. I honestly didn't realize it until now that today was the day that I found out that my only son did not make it. That his heart just stopped but no one knows why. So tomorrow is the day he was “born”. Because I had to deliver him. I was to far along for a d and c to be done on me. And so I will probably have to act as if nothing is bothering me. Well at least until John gets home from work. Until then I am free to cry if I want to.

So while I was away John and I would text through my yahoo messenger. And something that we talked about was marriage. And he told me that we would go to the mall and pick out a ring. And that we will set a date for 6 months down the road. He is now saying that he meant when he was ready. Well that will be never. He thinks that if we marry and it don't work out that I will take him for half of what he owns. Ummm sorry but I don't give two shits about his stuff. Why would I want any of his shit? Not like it would do me any good and I am not like that. I don’t know why he would think that. I left Lloyd and didn't take him for anything. I just wanted to forget about him. So why would I do it him. He worked hard for what he has. I wish I had stuff to love and care about too but I guess I'm not normal...I love the man I am with, not his belongings nor my own belongings...he definitely loves his things more than anything or anyone. He also said about how he realizes how selfish he has been. About doing things he wants all the time. That we will do other things too...things that I want to do...we will see if that ever happens...because I have my doubts with it too. As soon as we hit our 4th year together I will be bringing marriage up again. Because I will leave. I am not staying if he don’t wanna spend his life with me. I want to make it official. And what was the point of saying anything to my sister? So I now feel like I totally lied to her. That is why I asked him what he wanted me to say...because now my older sister knows too and I guarantee that my mother knows by now so naturally if she knows, Lloyd knows. Because she tells him everything that us girls do or say...but I'm not going to be strung along. I'm not here just to keep a house clean and have meals ready to eat. I don't get up for nothing. I get up to make him his lunch for work because I love him, that is what a good woman is supposed to do. I'm also not here just for sex either. I really need to know and really feel it deep down that I am here because he does love me and that he does want to marry me...and if he knows that there is a bench warrant for me why don’t he help with the 40 dollars? Is he really going to sit back and watch me go to jail? Does he know what that can do to me with my depression and the anxiety attacks...I will call Kathy Calhoun office tomorrow and try to talk to her. Let her know that right now I am on disability and I am fighting for my payments. That once I get it I will take care of it...but still...if I go away that I am going to be very upset and I will have someone come get me. I will leave...I will not go to NC because that is the first that someone will think to look...but I will find a way to get somewhere else...just not sure where to yet. I am just at the point where I am going to have to make some changes in order to survive in this messed up place called world...

Well I am going to get off here and see if it is safe to call the girls and at least say good night...see if Rhiannon will put it on speaker and have all the girls there to say night...i need to get better at that too...

Until next time...Good Night.....

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012

I was so much better at keeping up this before I had to restart it all just because I forgot the password to the other one..that made me so mad...and frustrated. But it's what ever.

So John has off from work this week for hunting. I got to go Monday and it was fun. Yesterday he went by himself. He didn't get nothing til he got home and seen two doe in the field. So he shot them and was able to find one but the other they ( Jason and Andy came to help ) couldn't find the other one. So this morning john went to look again since it was daylight out and he didn't see it so he must not of shot it in a good spot. Didn't do a whole lot today. Brenna came out to see me and we went over paperwork. She had some print outs of my diagnoses and helped me to understand them better. The only one we didn't cover yet was the PTSD. She comes back out next Tuesday. John and Jason went to get after pellets for the stove. And then John ground up some deer for Jason's dad and for Jason We got all our deer meat cut up and in the freezer. Jason helped with that. Then they ate lunch and went up in Jason's truck to blankly mountain to hunt. Well while they were up there Heather ( Jason's wife ) called to talk to me. It gets hard to hear when you are on the phone because the signal strength stinks out here. I decided to send John a message asking him if I am careful if I could drive his truck to heathers. He said I if I call harcolde and mcgee...so I did that. Which meant I was able to drive his truck over there. And I was careful..i always am when he lets me drive it. So he said while we were there about hunting out in ashcom. That is near Everett where a friend lives. She has an appointment tomorrow at 11 and was going to drive out here get me to drive her out there to the place and then come back here and drop me off and her go home. I asked him if I could use his truck to make it easier. And because her inspection sticker ran out in 2010..but he said no cause I'm not on his insurance..i mean really. He had me take it to the bp and that was fine because he needed fuel for the kabota thing he was borrowing from the neighbors..i drive it from our place to Jason n heathers..he said I am not on his insurance and if I wreck it wont be covered but if he does it will be covered. Well things can happen from here to there place just as much as it could happen anywhere. So to be safe I'm just not going touch it again. Its whatever. It's just frustrating because if something happens while I am the one driving it I understand that it won't get paid for. But if I can drive it to their house something can still happen..they do say that most accidents happen closer to home. Well that is close to home. Its a 5 to 10 minute drive. Don't know why he just don't add me to his so then when I do have a car or whatever I already have insurance. Oh well just a lot of things I don't understand. Sometimes make me wonder why I am still around. Why he wants me here. He says he loves me but sometimes he acts like he don't. He wont even go “there” with me anymore because of “that”. It bothers me that he wont do that. He wants me to go “there” with him but I don't get the same..it's been a year already and I still have my own issues with it. I know it affected him as well but how does he think it makes me feel? It makes it seem like I'm still dirty from it. That “he” is still on me. Because my boyfriend/fiance ( honestly what ever we are, cause idk anymore ) doesn't really wanna touch me. What's even worse is that we only do it when he wants it. If I happen to be horny its not gonna happen. I may as well find a dildo and do it that way. At least my clitoris will get some kind of action. Yes I do get orgasms while he is inside me hitting certain spots, but to be able to feel that again would be nice...i almost forget what it feels like to have that done to me. All he is doing is making me have these thoughts of me not being good enough for him. That I am fat and ugly. That he doesn't wanna touch me much. That I am here to keep his house clean. And to cook him dinner for when he gets home. Not sure why else I am around. Sex and Food...that's all it is. Or at least seems. He wont tell his parents that we are engaged. Going on a year of being engaged here soon. December 24th to be exact..and they don't even know. Why? Is it because getting married will never happen? He says it will when he is ready. That could be until he is 90 years old. I'm not waiting to long. It's either going to be in the next year or I may as well give on this. Who wouldn't wanna share the joy and the happiness of being engaged? I guess it is because his parents don't really like me. Never really did anything to them. But whatever. He is old enough to make his own decisions in life. I know he is worried that if things don't work out that I will take him for half of everything and he will lose things. I keep telling him that I wouldn't do that. Because I wouldn't. Why would I want his shit? I can't use it. That is not who I am. As long as I got my stuff that is all I care about. Oh and my kids stuff. Other than that idc about his things. He can keep his guns and his house..all I would want is for him to help me get a new place for me and the girls. That is it. Get us set up for the first two months so I can get things in order for housing help and whatever else there may be. There is another thing that bothers me. He left the house to his parents. So if he should die tomorrow in a car accident or whatever, they get this place and I know that I will be booted out. No second thoughts about it. And what if they die first. Then who gets it? And I know very well that if he died they would have this all knocked down. After all the work he put into it. But hey if he is okay with knowing that they may have it torn down then okay. But should we get married, and he die then do I get it or do they still get it? I would like to think that I would. But who knows. If we should get married, he needs to have that changed. Because it would be wrong if he didn't do that. I should mean something to where if he died I was taken care of. Guess if it don’t happen we know what I meant to him. A live in maid and a live in piece of ass. Feel like it sometimes. Sometimes he makes it feel like I am nothing but in the way. I really need to get a shot in my back and I said that but he says how u paying it since u aren't covered right now. Well that is a good question but if I have to they can bill me. I will figure it out...i need my meds. I have two heart pills. I have for a few weeks now. But trying not to take them just in case. Told him today bout needing to get them filled..how much is that going to be..idk...never looked to see how much they are. But its meds I need. Oh well. Guess I wont be getting anymore meds or seeing anymore doctors. I die I die. That's all there is to it. Tired of feeling like I’m a burden anyhow. Tired of being told things and the opposite is done. Told me all this stuff online and it isn't even going to happen. Never will. I'm going to face the fact that it never will...

Well I guess I have been rambling again. However this is supposed to be the place to get that done at. To vent how I feel and my thoughts on things..But I'm sure he is wanting to get on here and play some games. So I think I should be nice and let him. Even though it is MY laptop I can be nice and share. I honestly don't mind him using it. I have passwords for things...hahaha!!

Until next time...nite

Thursday, December 20th, 2012

Wow I can't believe it has been almost a whole month since I have written anything in here. Boy am I slacking or what! I guess it would be good to start somewhere but not sure where that is...
Hmm...well for starters I got in the mail the ruling on my disability. It went against me. I didn’t get it. Its funny some of the jobs it lists that I can do...for as long as I have been looking for work I have never came across any of the things listed. Christmas is coming up soon. Not looking forward to that. Things got screwed up at Citi so now there may not be any gifts here for the girls. Nothing like feeling as if you are the worst mother ever. Not really sure but after bills are taken care of he will see what is left. He has plans to get our friends stuff for Christmas and well if we don’t get for the girls first I will be mad. Because out friends can wait. The kids are more important then them anyhow. Not being mean but it is true. And something else bothers me. We are going to his parents around lunch time and it will bother me if I have to sit there and watch him open things from them and I get nothing. I am a part of johns life and I should be treated that way. And my kids are a part of his life too and they should be treated that way. It would be nice if they got them something but I have a feeling they didn't. They didn't get me nor the girls anything last year. My first year with john they did. Got me and the girls something and even then got me something on my birthday. We will see what happens.

Okay so I have noticed that my depression is bad. More then what it has been. I have been very tired lately. And I mean tired. I get up with him and make his lunch and I am up most the day. I may have a nap after cleaning some. But I noticed here lately that I have been falling asleep pretty early in the evenings. Sometimes around 7 or 8. Not sure what is going on and why I am so tired. I clean most the day and I take my breaks in between what I do so I can give my back a rest. It has been hurting so bad lately. Some days I just wanna cry because of how bad it hurts. I push myself to do things for myself because I refuse to be treated like I'm an old person even though some days I feel like one. Its pretty bad if you cant reach into a cabinet for a glass without it hurting. Or to sneeze because it pulls on the muscles in your back.

A couple days ago, or maybe a week ago...somewhere around there, I kinda told john how I been feeling lately. About the things he said to me while I was away and how I feel like it was only said to make sure I came back. Because nothing seemed to change much. I told him I feel like I'm a live in maid and someone to have sex with when he wants it. That it don’t seem like I live here. I mean I so live here but if you look around the house you don’t seem me here. There are two pictures from my past on the living room wall. That is it. He told me to hang my things up but what things do I have to hang? Nothing. When grams neighborhood was doing that block yard sale I sold most of my stuff at it because I knew it all couldn’t come with me. So I downsized. Now I’m left with nothing. But I will get some things that I like when I can. Oh and this whole thing with getting married. He told me that when I get back we will go to the mall and pick out rings. And set a date for 6 months later. We are coming up on being engaged for 2 yrs. He hasn’t even told his parents yet. Only our closest friends know and a few of my family members know. I wonder sometimes if it is ever really going to happen. He says he worries because if things don’t work out I can take him for half of his stuff. Like really? If your that worried why not do a prenup? I don’t like them but if it helps put his mind at ease why not. I will sign it. But if he truly loves me and truly feels deep in his heart that I wouldn’t do that then there should not be an issue of just doing it. Of just getting married. I don’t think he really wants too.

Well he just got home so I'm going.


Friday, December 28th, 2012

The girls have been here since Tuesday night because of the bad weather we were going to be getting and well we got it alright. They got to open their gifts and everybody loved what they got. Danica kept saying how they were the best gifts ever. Made me feel good knowing that she loved what she got and even though it may not have been as much as what their dad or Teresa got them, they still loved what they have. Caitlyn really loves her angry birds game. Said it was the only one she got. Which was cool because its what we got so we rule on the game of angry birds lol. Rhiannon really liked her hello kitty scrapbook kit. She is already getting it fixed up for pics and things of her best friend Danica. That is really nice. I was hoping that I could get her over to see her but things didn't work out due to the weather. But they will have the summer to catch up with. I'm going to try and give her a week over with her as long as it works out with her mom or dad. And then I thought about having her here for a week.

Last night was really fun ( and some what frustrating ). I had the girls help with making sugar cookie batter earlier in the evening so it could chill and later we could make the cookies. While it chilled Melyssa and Danica got their bathes and we watched a movie first. So, after John chased the girls around the house and tickled them we started the cookie making process. I was surprised that john wanted to help. He was going to roll the dough. Well he wasn't doing it right. He didn't let me flour up the rolling pin and he rolled it out to flat that the cookie that Danica tried to make was falling apart. So I guess I made him mad when I said something that he stopped helping. He says he used to help his mom make cookies. Well then he should know that you don't make the dough so flat cause then the cookies with be flat and hard. I ended up doing it my way and they turned out great! I hate that sometimes he makes me sound as if I'm stupid and don't know what I'm talking about. I really do know things and know how to bake. The rest of the night he hardly talked to me. I even asked him what kind of icing he would like on some of the cookies and he said he don't care because he don't want any. Okay, whatever then.

Today is Friday which means yesterday he was supposed to get his money in his account from this consolidation thing he did. Which means I am supposed to be getting my Christmas/birthday gifts sometime. If he remembers. I know he asked me if I can wait since we need the kerosene heater but I feel as if he should of waited to get his call to. And then to say I Should give him the walmart gift card I got in the mail to him so he could use it instead of buying his own gift from me...really? I didn't get anything for Melyssa for her birthday. That gift card is going to her. It only seems fair. After all everybody else got their gifts but me. You would think that he would of gotten the girls first like he did, then me, then our friends and put himself last. But he didn't which makes it seem like he was being selfish and got his priorities mixed up. Just feels like I was pushed aside like I didn't matter. Then while at the dollar store he got me two bras and a total of 6 panties just so I didn't feel left out. That felt like more of a slap in the face then anything. Didn't make me feel any better. I go to watch my kids and my friends open gifts and all I could think about is that it must be nice. And he is supposed to love me? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. He talks down to me sometimes. I know I'm not that bright and I have my moments where I get stupid but for the most part I am smart. I do know what I am talking about. It must be obvious if a friend of ours can see it too. I know they both have said to me that they don't know why I put up with the way he is. With the way he treats me. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am going to try and make another trip to North Carolina. Get away again. Last time I went he missed me ( or so he said ) not long after I left but by the looks of his phone bill that can be viewed online he was texting Tracy like crazy after I left and for the first week I was gone. He said so many things to me while we would text though my yahoo messenger. All these things that made me feel like he really did care and really does what to be with me. But none of it has happened. I don't think it ever will. I am so convinced that all I am is a live in maid and here for him to have sex with when he is in the mood. It hardly ever happens when I want it. It's funny because I now know how the girls dad felt back when I wouldn't give it up. But that was different then. I wasn't in love with him anymore. I love John, I really do but I can't honestly say that I am in love with him anymore. At least it seems like it at times. Sounds like I have a lot of thinking to do. About what I want out of this relationship and what I want out of life itself. Because I’m not happy anymore. I put on a front like I am but I’m not. Which is a bad thing because I have bad thoughts that have been going through my head again.

Well I guess since everyone will be getting up I better go cause I really don't need anyone reading this. Their not supposed to so I will talk more later.

Bye for now.

Saturday, December 29th, 2012

Last night was an alright night. Rhiannon went over to her friend Danica's house to spend a few days with her before she goes back to her dads. So it was just Caitlyn, Melyssa and Danica that was here. We watched a movie and then made the rest of the cookies. While making them John was playing a game on my laptop. Then all of a sudden we all heard something loud. I asked what was that and of course the kids did too because; well they are kids...and all he says, well yells is don't fucking worry about it. Like really? Yell at me all you want. Don't yell at them like that. Sometime last night he said something to me bout making sure the kids turn off the TV in their room if they are not going to be in there watching it. Said that he is tired of paying for other peoples shit. So I thought he had turned it off. Well after we did the cookies and I took them up to get settled for quiet time I couldn't figure out why it wouldn't come on. Finally after hearing me bitch about it he came up and said it would help if I would plug it in. Then he started making fun of me because I didn't know it needed that. After that I came back downstairs and played a game on my laptop. Didn't really say much to him. He then started getting ready to lay down so I said goodnight honey and he said it back. That was the end of that.

Woke up and as usual I always check my phone in case I have a message or something. So I had 5 messages on there. One of them was from John and it was saying how I have to get a job by his birthday without any type of help from him or I have to move out. Said that the whole issue with the snow clothes was being put on him and it wasn't. Not once did Lloyd say that we or John had plenty of time to prepare. It said you..meaning me. I should of never said anything to him or anyone. Cause I am sure Jason probably said something to him. So anyway on this job thing...I know it won't happen. So I guess that I better figure out where I am going from here. You would think that he would understand how I feel about being around other men. I mean after all I was freaking out while we were trying to do Christmas shopping. He would go to a different isle then me and in the one there was a man that came behind me so I yelled “honey” and when he didn't come I had to go find him. I was getting in panic mode. How am I to get a job when I can't even walk around walmart to shop for my girls without having trouble. Could you imagine how I will be at a job. I just don't understand why he can't be more understanding and realize that I am not me anymore. I don't talk to everyone like I used to. I don't know who is safe to trust and who isn't. How can I be guaranteed that nothing is going to happen to me again. I was supposed to be safe that night and someone took that from me. How do I know it won't happen again? Or something worse won't happen. Just scares me to even thing about what could happen to me. I don't feel safe anymore. So I guess I better start thinking about what I need to do. I guess maybe go back to North Carolina. Be closer to the girls. But where would I stay? How am I to get a job there? I would still be in the same boat I am here. Just different state. Got some thinking to do...

So most of today he has been outside fixing the pipe for the pellet stove. And anytime I had to interact with him I just kept it simple. Didn't feel up to talking to him. He asked me one time he came in if I was going to give him a hug and a kiss. Told him he don't want me to kiss cause of my cold sore. So he said I can kiss his cheek like I normally do. So I hugged him and gave a kiss. Didn't really want to though. Because I need to start detaching myself from him. Because if I do have to leave it will be to hard if I am still being very interactive with him. Just need to distance myself from him somehow...

The girls and I have watched movies together off and on all day. I enjoyed every minute of it. So after the last movie I told them it was then going to be quiet time. I got them settled and I came back down to play on my laptop. I seen that John was getting ready to come over and I thought that maybe he wanted to get on. But all he wanted was to come over and watch a movie with me. He even put it on magic mike. Don't know why because I kept falling asleep during it. I was tired. So after the movie I went to bed.

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

Only two more days with my girls. Today and tomorrow. They will be leaving on Tuesday. Not looking forward to that day...

Since the day is just starting I will write more later when I have more to say. Right now I am watching a barbie movie and drinking some hot tea.

Rest of the day seemed to be alright so not much to talk about today. Rhiannon got home from her best friends house and John made dinner. Then after a few movies or play time it ended up being quiet time and that went really good.

Monday, December 31st, 2012

So today I noticed that Danica was scratching at her head and just because it is a habit I checked her. What do I find? Why some lice bugs and a bunch of nits/eggs. So I check all of them. Everyone but Caitlyn had it. Rhiannon had a few bugs and a few nits. Melyssa I found only nits. I was nice and text their dad and even Teresa about it. And what do you think happened? I got the blame. Was told that they all thought of this before they came so they checked them and they were clean. But yet their bedding was clean and hasn’t been used since summer. So how they got it from here idk. I'm tired of getting blamed for it when I know that they had to of came here with it. And I just noticed it today so how I am to treat them one day before they leave. And with what money am I to use to get it? It's not like I can just shit it out of my butt and go get it. I know he isn't going to help get any because of the message that was sent to me Friday night. And I'm not asking either. I should have known this would happen...guess I was wrong again....there's another mark against me...never knew I could be so wrong all the time. Wow I must be such a bad person. So messed up I guess. There is so much going on right now that I can't even think straight anymore. It's like I don't know how I am supposed to feel anymore. Or that the way I do feel is the wrong way to feel. I try and do right but it is not seen. I am told that before I cast stones I should look at myself. I wasn't even trying to cast stones at anyone. I know I am not perfect, I have my faults. I have admitted my faults. But why should I keep getting punished for my faults that I can not go back and change. I try every day to be a better me but yet it still isn't good enough for anyone. What's the point in trying anymore. Seems like I'm being made out to be a bad mom and like I never cared about my children and that is totally wrong. I love my children and I always took care of them. At least I know that deep down my children know that I love them and I always will and nothing will change how I feel about them. I'm sure they have heard bad things about me. If they only knew how things really were. I just don't think I can say anything to them right now about the way our life was like because I am afraid that if I do he will find out and tell them that it is all lies. At least I know that GOD knows what we been through and he will have him pay for what he has done to us. So his day will come soon...

Tuesday, January 1st, 2013

First let me start by saying that I can not believe that it is 2013. Most people every year make a resolution that they want to accomplish with in the year. I however am not one of them people. I don't do it because I don't believe in it, if it works for others then I say go for it. I don't do it because it doesn't work for me. See in order for it to work you have to have faith first of all and well most of my faith is gone. And you also have to have luck and well I certainly don't have luck. But I will however try to make the most of this year and see what comes my way. Maybe I will get brave and say just what is on my mind...we will see how that works out...

So today the girls left and it has not been the same since. It is too quiet all over again just as it was after them being here for the summer. I keep waiting for someone to come over and ask for a drink, or snack or complain about someone not sharing an LPS. I was tired lil while ago and I didn't have Melyssa and Danica here to lay with me like they have been. Mostly Danica, who always says she is not tired but ends up crashing pretty fast. Gotta love it when she says that. And she looks forward to bedtime. Last night her and I both were out pretty fast. I had fun while they were here. Two days of making cookies. Playing in the snow some. Movie nights. Painting. Chasing them to tickle them. Making cup after cup after cup of hot tea...they loved that hot tea..always a different flavor to choose from too. I can't wait for spring... I get them for a weekend... I was thinking about finding a way to go back to NC for a lil bit and that way I can go see mom too and maybe she will be nice and let me use her car to go see April. But I have to find a way there and back. So we will see how things go.
So I am going to start talking about this and hope that I have time to get it all out. I am totally getting confused on what it going on here. Friday I was sent a message from john about getting a job and how they are my kids and I need to step up and help take care of them. That I have til his birthday to find a job or I have to move out. Then today he wanted me to lay down with him and we end up having sex. He of course started it by feeling me and whatnot. I honestly really wasn't in the mood but went with it because it has been a while for it to of happened. While in the middle he said things like he loves me and that I am the only one that ever shows it. That I'm not ever going anywhere. I said well no because I'm naked. He says no I’m not going anywhere. Okay I guess if you say so. He said why do I have something else in mind? Um, no but you may have something else in mind come April. So now I am totally confused on what it going on. I'm still gonna try to be distant because if it does happen I don't want it to hurt as bad. Because I know that it will hurt and I don't know how I will handle it. Just hope it isn't something he is saying to get me motivated because it is doing the opposite of what he thinks he is doing....making me more depressed. Making me more and more wanting to put cuts on my body. Pain that I can control. The pain going on right now I don't have control of it and therefore it hurts really bad. I can't make it stop and it wont stop. It just keeps coming and coming and won't go away. My eyes fill up with tears and I try so hard to keep them in and some slips through the cracks in my eyes and makes it to the surface to where others know I am about to cry. So I have to pretend that nothing is wrong or make something up. I just wish for once in my life that something would go right. That things will go the way they should. For some of those things it is probably too late but it is not for other things. I want people to understand that I can't take being around guys I don't know and if there are any black guys well that is even worse. They said certain jobs that I can preform but do they really think I can do those jobs? If they knew me and knew how I am then they would understand just how hard it really is. John has seen several times how I am in places and even he still doesn't get it or he wouldn't of sent me that text. Maybe if the judge and that vocational therapist actually seen first hand how I am the then would understand what I do. I think I may bring that up with my lawyer if I can get out there to see him. I will have to ask around for some help.

Well I’m sure I could keep going and going but that would just be me rambling...so I am going to go and play a game for now. I will talk again soon...until next time...bye

Monday, January 28th, 2013

So I am glad that I still had this copy available because I can't seem to remember the password for it. I did however save it in case I do remember it. I has stuff written it for up to the 22nd or 23rd, somewhere around there. It was around 20 some pages too. But like I said at least I have this one still.

I'm going to wait and see if he goes to work before I try to write. I am pretty sure he was behind me trying to read as he was getting something on. So I really need to wait for it to be safe.

Until then I bid you farewell...

Friday, February 1st, 2013

Well I was going to write a few days ago but couldn't because he was home from work. And he is back home already now too. Oh well I don't really care right now because I am pissed. I am tired of feeling like I can't do anything right. I did what I was asked to do and that was to call Jason and see of he would come and take the money he left to get some kerosene. Well I did call and he just never answered his phone. So what else was I supposed to do? Nothing that is what. I was in bed most of the day because I don't feel good and I am hurting. I am sitting here shaking not because I am cold but because of how bad I hurt. I am cold but that has nothing to do with why I am shaking. But he left to go get some kerosene and even slammed that door. Like really? He is getting pissed because I couldn't find a way to get any? Why didn't he just take the jugs with him and stop on his way home from work? Then he wouldn't be so pissy. I'm tired of it all. Jason isn't his “nigger” so to speak. He should find other ways to get what he needs instead of relying on Jason to help with it all. And he needs to realize that I can only do so much. He thinks that because I am the one home it is expected of me to do what ever it is that he wants done. Well when do I get a sick day? I don't. Almost like I am not allowed. Well I am and I am going to start taking my sick days. I shouldn't have to do anything when I am not feeling well. And now he is being all nice to me. I hate when a guy does that. That just pisses me off even more.

So with this letter thing I am supposed to write I am actually considering going and speaking instead. I been wanting to talk to him about it but it seems like he don't want to hear what I have to say. Just like any other time I go to talk about things. Like it doesn't matter what I have to say about anything. So I give up on it. What is the point anymore. It isn't like he cares how I feel about things. I could tell him how I feel til I am blue in the face and it wont matter any. It never does and it never will. Not sure why I expected things will change. Nothing will ever change unless I change it. Which for that to happen I will have to just up and leave. Maybe then things will be brought to light on how he treats me and how he acts towards me. So I think next month I am going to make a trip to NC and stay for a while. Visit with my mom and with the girls and what friends I have there. Just get away from life here and see if it really is worth staying or not. I'm starting to think that it is not worth staying here if things keep going this way. There is so much being asked from me and I am only one person and I can't do it all on my own with out some kind of help. Like getting a job. Yeah okay. How I am to do that on my own? With any help from him. Or anyone. I refuse to be walking to a job just to make everyone else happy. And if I do the online thing well a lot of them you need to invest into to get anywhere, and I cant do that one alone either. Everyone needs help with things in life and he should know it. Afterall look at the help his parents been helping with the house and some of the things that have been going wrong with it. They help. So why can't I get any help. Just really starting to rethink my life and where I want to be and do with it. I know I don't want to be feeling like I am right now. Like I can't do anything right and I am always wrong for feeling the way that I do. Its getting old. And so is the fact that I can't write without worrying if he is going to try and read what I say or not. What I say is my personal business. Not anyone else.

Uh, he is sitting beside me eating his dinner and the noises that he make while he eats is sooo gross and annoying. I never really noticed it before because I would be eating too but I lost my appetite after he started acting like an ass towards me. figure maybe I can starve myself to death and then no one will have to worry about me being in the way, or not doing things right. Since it doesn't work out for me any other way.

Well he wants to watch a movie so I will have to get off here and find which one I want to see. Not sure what is going on with my spell check.

I don't know if I am going to be up long because I am hurting still. It is now making my right leg hurt.

January 2015

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