i'm capable of...
i think i was on the verge of having a panic attack.
my mom was laying on the couch across from me. i don't think she was aware of how i was feeling. i was simply laying there, my eyes were closed, and she was talking to me. she knew i was awake. i just wanted to go to my room. i didn't want to be rude though because she was talking to me.
i wish i could have burst off of the couch and screamed.
i wish right now i could go out into the living room and simply say to my parents "what the fuck is the point of me going to college? what the fuck is the point of me even leaving the house? i'm fucking useless. i'll just stay at home and do your dishes and your laundry for the rest of my life. ok?"
that's really, really what i feel capable of.
i don't like leaving the house. i don't want to go to class tomorrow. i see no point in my school work. i do it. i study for my tests and attend class, just so i won't disappoint my parents or my grandparents. all i want to do, though is stay under a pile of blankets, and remain a pile myself- on couches or on my bed or on the floor- it doesn't matter where.
i am heaped. i don't know how i manage to drag each day upon each day until they are stacked on top of themselves on the calandar. my days consist of waking up. my days consist of being awake. my days consist of eventually falling asleep.
if i was to expect anything from my days i would be a fool.
my heart was racing an hour ago, just fucking racing. i am twenty four. i have no idea what i want to do with my life and up until now... i haven't put much thought into it.
i am going to college- for what??
what am i aiming for, exactly?
i'm kidding myself, thinking i can aim for anything more than a heap of bones beneath a heap of blankets beneath a heap of days.