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letters i won't send.

Posted by bluebird88 , 06 February 2013 · 53 views

i have written letters to 3 people in my life. i just need to get this stuff out. this is for closure, i guess.
they're extremely personal so please be warned that they may cause triggers.

dear T******
i hope you found pleasure in violating me because i am still not over it. you still have control over every notion of my goddamn life. i am still fucked up, 5 years after you jammed your hand into me.
it took you- what- 3 minutes or so to do this? 3 minutes was all it took to erase so, so much from my life. my feelings of trust for my family, my feelings of trust for any other guy, my basic feelings of trust for myself.
i still go to sleep with my hand over my crotch. i still do this.
i do not understand what came over you. i do not understand how you could possibly think that jamming your hand into a girl who was passed out drunk could POSSIBLY be ok.
how could that POSSIBLY be ok. i can still remember waking up to your hand inside me. i was so freaked out and so damn drunk that i didn't say a thing. do you remember this as vividly as i do?
i feel as though i will always be on that damn couch. i feel as though any second i will wake up-- that what i am living right now-- is just a dream. i will wake up and you will have your hand up inside me again.
i feel... tormented by you.
you have power over me. i hate you so much. you have no idea how much of my life has been lost to those damn three minutes... you have no idea.
i hope your life is going well. i hope you can live and breathe easily every single day. i hope you sleep well. i wish nothing terrible upon you.
i just have to wonder- do you ever think for one second about what your actions have done to me? do you have any idea of how fucked up i am- because of you?

dear M****

i miss you. i miss our friendship. i miss feeling what it's like, to have a friend.
you were the last person who i genuinely felt like i could trust.
i don't understand how you could throw our friendship away and start dating T*****. i don't understand it. you KNEW what he did to me. didn't you care at all??
it hurts so fucking much. i haven't been able to trust girls ever since the day you told me you're dating him. you said "you're not going to fucking hide the fact that you're dating him."
it hurts. it hurts so goddamn much. it's been five years since your boyfriend sexually assaulted me... i haven't talked to you in years. i don't know if you're still dating him or what.
it doesn't matter if you are or not- but i have to ask you- was it worth it? was ditching your best friend of over 13 years for a guy worth it?
and not just ANY guy... the guy that had sexually assaulted her. i am so damn curious, M*****, is the relationship with him so great?
do you miss me at all? do you miss our friendship at all?
what the fuck. you were my best friend. if anything- you're supposed to hate the guy that hurt me.
instead you started DATING him.
you have no idea how shitty this makes me feel, still, on a daily basis.
i have no friends. not since you. i can't trust anyone, anymore.

dear mom,
i wish you weren't drinking when i was going through ptsd. i know i hadn't come out with the sexual assault for six months after it happened, and that i had taken alot of my anger out on you. i know i was fucked up and that dealing with me must have been next to impossible.
but i needed you more than i ever needed you in my life.
when i asked you to start taking me to a therapist, we'd fight the entire way there. when i'd finally get to the therapist, i'd vent about the fight that you and i had. i'd never talk in therapy about the sexual assault. the whole hour spent in there, every single time, was spent venting about you.
you'd say things that would fuck with my head. you'd say things like "get your head out of your ass." or "you smile like a shark around people."
when i needed to go onto antidepressants you freaked out at the thought of it. i was so depressed i was suicidal, mom.
i started smoking as a way to help the racing thoughts and the anxiety. it was the only thing that helped me feel normal for 3 minutes. when you first saw me smoking you attacked me. dad had to pull you off of me. your eyes were so, so black. you said, "i don't want to hit you. i want to do more to you."
i wish you didn't object to the antidepressants so much. i wish you hadn't called me a pillpopper.
i wish you hadn't started hitting me, or calling me names, or harassing me for smoking or taking antidepressants.
i just really, really wish you weren't drinking back then. i have apologized for so much. i have apologized for misdirecting my anger on you and dad.
you have stopped drinking. you have stopped with the harassment and the hitting and we haven't been fighting.
i just wish you could recognize how much your actions have hurt me. i wish i could get an apology. it makes me feel like nothing you did was wrong.
i love you and i want to move on. you have been tremendously supportive, lately. maybe i'm dwelling on the past.
maybe i'm hoping for something that i'll never receive. maybe those days are too painful for you to go over. i just... feel like if i can apologize for my actions, why can't you?

May 2015

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