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So so so tired (TW - mention of suicide)

Posted by Lilaea , 24 January 2013 · 26 views


I'm not sure what to do. I'm really not. Because there's a friend I love but she appears to have decided I've lied about lots of things. Not the abuse, actually, not the mental health problems but about being biracial. Which I'm not. I'm not. And I hate that she thinks that. I hate that she thinks I'm deliberately thoughtless when actually my brain is just...it doesn't remember.

(I feel really really judged, which a lot of it is legit because I was lying about things like going to the hospital because that was what she'd suggest and I wanted to please her even though hospital was not helpful for me. I was lying about things so I could look like I was handling them. That I wasn't being a mess and useless. That I was being proactive. That I was capable).

(And I heard 'you sound okay' today after I came really close to actually going to the ER because Mental Health Reasons (really really suicidal, really really suddenly, managed to calm myself down, called up to cancel meet up tomorrow because I've got doctors appointment and that's about all I can handle. But am also meeting other friend, the friend I texted today when I was freaking out because although I made plans with friend 1 beforehand I want to see friend 2 because she knows this shit and I just cannot handle friend 1 right now at all).

(I feel judged. I feel judged so so much and I'm really really tired of it and I wish I hadn't told her anything. Literally anything).

(Am I terrible and selfish for this? I probably am really. I just...I don't want to deal with her. I don't).



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FloweringRose
Jan 24 2013 03:20 AM
Read this too and well, you are not terrible and selfish. You are feeling a lot and going through a lot and it's okay to be all mixed up, to have uncertainty, to only want to be with people you feel comfortable with and not judged by. You have the right to that space to take care of yourself, and that right to only be with people that you can feel safe with right now.
I really hope you can find some relief with all of this. I hope you can feel less of the burden of such awful emotions and thoughts. And I'm sure what that friend said isn't helping and I'm sorry for that. You deserve understanding through everything. Caring very very much through this.

Read this too and well, you are not terrible and selfish. You are feeling a lot and going through a lot and it's okay to be all mixed up, to have uncertainty, to only want to be with people you feel comfortable with and not judged by. You have the right to that space to take care of yourself, and that right to only be with people that you can feel safe with right now. I really hope you can find some relief with all of this. I hope you can feel less of the burden of such awful emotions and thoughts. And I'm sure what that friend said isn't helping and I'm sorry for that. You deserve understanding through everything. Caring very very much through this.



Just...thank you. Thank you. Short on words but THANK YOU.

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