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EVH's Blog



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Here's hoping

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 28 July 2013 · 57 views

Forgive my thoughts when I'm asleep
Forgive these words I'm yet to speak
I feel so ashamed

Right now you seem so far away
So much confusion clouds my mind
And I don't know which path to take

Here's hoping
You'll help me to be brave


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healing happened (?)

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 28 July 2013 · 58 views

Are you here? Hello? Can we talk?

Yes, I think we need to talk.

Ok great. What the fuck happened today?

Your healing happened.

Oh so you call it healing? I have never experienced such powerful detailed flashbacks. WTF? You let them rape me again, beat me, hurt me, torture me. All of them. You made me go through a pure horror. Is this your understandin...


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stupid little human being

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 25 July 2013 · 74 views

What are you doing? Stop or I'll stab you in the back again.

Do it. I have my drugs, so fuuuuck, fuck, what the fuck, stop it, fuck you. You think I won't get up or what? fuck you and your fucking back pain. Here see, I don't give a shit about your fuuuuuck fucking pain. Stop it.

Stop packing.

Make me.

School starts on Monday.

I'm not...


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Trauma queen

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 25 July 2013 · 60 views

Hey there waterworks. What's happening?

You weren't there. why weren't you there?

Oh I was there, you didn't see me but I was there.

I saw it.

I know you did. It's beautiful isn't it?

Beautiful? It's amazing! I have never seen anything like this in my entire life! It was unbelievably beautiful. And so strong, brig...


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agree vs. disagree

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 23 July 2013 · 73 views

*TRIGGER* Sex talk

T always knows how to ruin my day. Grrr. Today he wanted to discuss this blog:
http://thoughtcatalo...sex-after-rape/

WTF? I mean why the fuck do we have to talk about it? When it comes to sex, firstly: I donít give shit, secondly, I DONíT GIVE A SHIT! But I didn't have the energy tod...


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Distraction

Posted by EVH , 23 July 2013 · 47 views

School money - check
Huge fight with my husband - check
Huge back pain - check
Mega loud music to drown out my thoughts,fears and halluciantions - check



I need some distraction. I need to stop thinking. I need to stop hearing and seeing all this stuff. It's driving me crazy. Gotta go buy some marbles. In...


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me+ocean

Posted by EVH , 21 July 2013 · 43 views

Shit motherfucker fuck shit. Do I always have to take care of everything myself? Even with a damaged brain. Fuck it. Fuck men. All of them.

But will it be easier in Germany? At least I know the language - I guess. And the city - hope I still remember it. Well Iíve already booked the flight.

Going to the beach to say goodbye to the ocean. I will miss th...


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Station 2

Posted by EVH , 21 July 2013 · 48 views

Trying to book a flight. I can't decide where I want to go. My bags are already packed. So I guess nothing keeps me here anymore. The huge fight we had yesterday, I don't need this. I know I'm a shitty person, don't need to hear it over and over again. I let people way too often stick a finger in my face and tell me I'm no good. I used...


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Just do it

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 20 July 2013 · 49 views

What's with the face?

What face? I don't even have a face.

Stop it. Just tell me what you want me to do.

You don't understand.

Yes I know, I'm quite stupid, so just tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Or tell her. The girl you keep talking about. Is it about this light-thing? She wanted to give me the light, so why don't you ju...


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Short on words today

Posted by EVH , 20 July 2013 · 38 views

A lot to unload today. When your rapist writes to you to tell you how fucking great his life is right now, it sucks. But when your own family fucks you over, well that fucking tops everything.


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The most magical hug

Posted by EVH , 19 July 2013 · 54 views

Packing. Leaving soon. It's time.

Funny all the things you find in your closet when you're about to move and pack your stuff. I found brand new inline speed skates, Bont, proudly Australian since 1975 and making the best and fastest speed skates in the world. Great skates for advanced skaters. Full carbon/leather boots. Never used. Not even heat molded....


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Struggling

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions, Hallucinations 19 July 2013 · 49 views

Tough T-session. Tough day. Very mean and annoying hallucinations. Especially one of them. Talking in riddles.
Really struggling today. Shit...


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Life is good

Posted by EVH , 18 July 2013 · 49 views

How do you know when your life is good? Is it good when you sit in your backyard with a drink, relaxing and enjoying the nice weather. Or is it good when you get what you worked for so very hard? Does life feel good then? Well, maybe. But not when you're me. When you're me you throw up, pee your pants and hide in a closet. And then you hit the wal...


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Do you believe in what you see?

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 16 July 2013 · 45 views

I wish I could stop seeing things that don't exist and stop hearing voices that aren't real.

I can't ignore it. It's too much. It's too loud. Wasting my time. Stealing my sanity. Confusing me.

I can't control it. They just keep coming. Faceless people. Shapeless things. Blurred images.

I can't stop it. The line between re...


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You belong here

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 15 July 2013 · 55 views

Good morning

Hi

Do you know who I am?

No, I don't. You're my halluciantion. Aren't you?

So you don't remember me?

No

Hmm I'll show you something. See this email? It's from your brother.

I can't read.

I know. But there are photos. Look

Is this my brother?

You don't recognise him?

No

Yes this is your brother. Your...


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illiteracy

Posted by EVH , 14 July 2013 · 38 views

I'm having reading and writing difficulties. I'm becoming an analphabet. How hilarious is that huh? really extremely amusing, can't stop laughing. on the inside.


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my shooting star

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, T-Sessions, Uncategorized 11 July 2013 · 78 views

T wanted to talk about last Wednesday. I didn't. We argued. He won. Damn you T. Then he said we definitely need a new strategy. So I had to make a deal with myself. From now on when I feel the urge to cut I talk to someone first. Not necessarily about cutting, about anything, just to get away from my thoughts and the urge. Then I do somethng I like or...


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Will you marry me?

Posted by EVH , 11 July 2013 · 66 views

Well, will I marry him? Is he the answer to my please-help-me-call? Is he what I need? He said he can help me to change my life. Help me to have a life again. He would take care of me, I wouldn't be alone anymore. He would be there all the time, supporting me, helping me to heal. He said that I can be happy again. That we can be happy together. And I...


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Iron butterfly

Posted by EVH , 09 July 2013 · 55 views

Iím angry. Not at something or someone in particular. Itís just this overwhelming feeling of anger and helplessness. I see my life going to waste and I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I feel helpless. Then I get angry. Mad. Furious. And I hit things, destroy things, smash plates, cut, argue with my hallucinations, yell and throw things...


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the answers

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 08 July 2013 · 55 views

I don't believe this. I said I donít want to see you here.

I have the answers.

Oh good for you, hope youíre proud of yourself.

I mean it, ask me, anything. What do you want to know.

Shut the fuck up. Who do you think you are? You think you can just show up like that and tell me what to do? Do this do that? Donít you fucking tell me what to do. Fu...






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