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EVH's Blog


Emotional Groundhog Day

Posted by EVH , 09 April 2014 · 127 views

I'm a loser. That's who I am. That's who I've been my whole life. Haven't achieved anything. I'm 30 now. Not likely to achieve anything anymore. The persistent fear of failure still haunting me. Their voices in my head. Still so powerful. And the little girl in me still so scared. Still so lost. Paralysed. I'm not moving forward. That's what losers do. Th...


Wayne Hutchinson Depression and Me

Posted by EVH , 08 April 2014 · 79 views

Very powerful. Worth reading!
WATERFORD GAA PLAYER Wayne Hutchinson has gone public today about his battle with depression.
Hutchinson, who has played both senior hurling and football for his county, has published a searingly honest blog post  and it is reproduced here with the author’s kind permission.
  Wayne Hu...



Posted by EVH , 07 April 2014 · 108 views



Feeling really shitty today :(


To be continued...


I see fire

Posted by EVH , in Healing Journey, Uncategorized 26 March 2014 · 117 views

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
I see fire. It has been burning inside me for so many years. But I couldn't fight it. Didn't know how. I wasn't ready. I wasn't strong enough. I used to cover my eyes. Could feel the heat upon my skin but didn't see the fire....


In the corners of my mind

Posted by EVH , 13 January 2014 · 229 views

Deep within the corners of my mind I keep memories of my past. And everyday more and more repressed memories come back to kill me inside. There were two dogs they set on me when I dared to make a noise. Baseball bats they forced inside me. Tow hook. Car. Ropes. Cords. Bookshe...


Two different socks

Posted by EVH , 13 January 2014 · 199 views

Yesterday I realised how much my life has changed. How much I have changed. Yes, my past is still haunting me. Everyday. And yes, I'm still struggling. Yes, I'm exhausted. And sometimes very lost and scared. Because there is not enough wind in Australia to rip the nails out of the past. But I'm happy. I'm loved. Safe. I'm free. She is my happiness. She is...


Hello darkness

Posted by EVH , 09 January 2014 · 202 views

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence
Flashbacks. One of the most painful reminders of our horrific past. Coming unexpected. Coming quietly. Sneaking into our brains to...


catching teardrops in my hands

Posted by EVH , 19 December 2013 · 193 views

"I'm so glad you came home on Sunday. This is your place. Your home. You're the balance. You're her solid ground, you're the silence and the peace in her head, you're the love in her heart. You are the shield, remember? Not just her shield. You're the shield of this relationship. Only you can tame the fire. Only you can stop the tears. Only you can end th...


Coffee & Apple pie

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Love 11 December 2013 · 198 views

Once upon a time I fell in love. A while ago l fell out of love to fall in love again. With someone else. Now I'm struggling. Feeling guilty. I can't sleep. My head is so full. My heart so empty, And right now everything in my life feels wrong. Because I know I have destroyed someone's life. Dreams. Hopes. Future. He didn't deserve it. And yet i did it. I...


Shit under the fingernails

Posted by EVH , 05 November 2013 · 421 views

Neuro assignment due today, 40%, and I'm staring at a blank page, not even one word. I feel drained. Empty. And yet my head is so full it hurts. Sleepless night. 5 coffees so far. I will never finish it on time. I won't finish it at all. I don't even know where to begin. I'm too fucking stupid to write this. All I can do right now is crying and throwing t...


No light in your bright blue eyes

Posted by EVH , 01 November 2013 · 166 views


The ruby

Posted by EVH , 01 November 2013 · 187 views

S: The ruby is still in you Ewa. Always remember that you are the shield. You stand strong when others don't. You find strength when others can't. Be the shield. Protect the ruby when others forget to. And when the flame burns too wild use the sand. Become the ocean of your lives. Strong, deep, wild but calm at the same time. Taming the fire. Keeping it a...



Posted by EVH , 30 October 2013 · 206 views

So you’re quitting
So I’m quitting
Fuck you
Oh I love that
Shut up
What about your unfinished business
My what?
Your unfinished business. That’s why you’re still here. That’s why you suck at suicide.
Why are you here? I asked you to leave me alone.



Posted by EVH , 30 October 2013 · 168 views

Storm is coming. Furious. Destructive. I can feel it in my heart. My whole body screams: run. Fucking run. Can't ignore the screams can I? My body, My master and commander. Suck it O'Brian, it was 1969. Looking in the mirror, 68kgs of my very own body staring back at me. Victim. Prisoner. Trapped. 2am. Pink shirt. Black shorts. Vivaldi. Barefoot running....


Open your eyes

Posted by EVH , 30 October 2013 · 168 views

1 tequila. 2 tequilas. 3 tequilas. Floor.
Then this voice in my head. Open your eyes. Not sure what's worse. My dreams. Or my reality. Cruel joke.
Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself.


Breathe Ewa

Posted by EVH , 28 October 2013 · 223 views

Tired. Lost. Helpless. Hopeless. Angry. Sad. Hurt. Frustrated.
Neuro. Micro. Bio. Trying to study. No chance. 5th coffee, black, bitter, hot. Burnt my mouth.
Vodka. Wine. Whiskey. Silence. Finally. Silence. Headache. Exam.
Crying. Trying. Begging. Taking a knife. Resisting the urge. Giving in.
Blood. On my thighs. On my hands. On the floor. Pain. Tear...


the rainbow comes and disappears

Posted by EVH , in Healing Journey 15 October 2013 · 130 views

Last night I couldn't sleep. So I went for a run. 20km. Came back. Sat down. Decided to go for another 10km. But it didn't help. I should have known better. I fell asleep around 6am and was late for school. Of course. 2hrs. Forgot my towels. Had 2 cheeseburgers. Again. I'm a mess. Is it becasue of the pills? Or is it because so much is happeni...


Finding my truth

Posted by EVH , in Love 08 October 2013 · 123 views

It took me 14 years to find her. I had to travel the whole world from the Northern to the Southern Hemisphere to find my person. (24/01/13)

It took me 14.5 years to find my love. My flame. My truth.

It is possible. Wounds can be healed. Pain can be stopped. Life can be beautiful. Like her big blue eyes.

I love you my darling xxx


Wheels on ice

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Healing Journey 29 September 2013 · 144 views

I was hungry. Saturday night. I was hungry so decided to ditch the 97% fat free crackers "baked with the goodnes of Australian wheat" and cook something that tastes more like real food and less like salty paper. Well at least I tried. My friend nausea decided for both of us that throwing up for a few hours would be oh so much better than bloody co...


warm bread and her tears

Posted by EVH , in Healing Journey, Uncategorized 23 September 2013 · 164 views

Back home. Jetlagged. And yet not able to close my eyes and get some sleep. Im tired. The drugs are trying to break me. The memories of the past few days are haunting me. The taste of it. The smell of it. The sound of it. All the dreams. All the visions. Feeling confused. Kinda lost. Passed 2 exams. Distracted myself with being a bit proud of myself for...

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