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EVH's Blog


First T-homework / What type of girl are you?

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 19 May 2013 · 50 views

What type of girl are you? What would you like to change about this girl?
(translated from German)

I'm the type of girl that
- even when she has million reasons to leave, she still looks for one to stay.
- apparently always cares too much for others but never enough for herself.
- will turn up her TV, to prevent others from hearing her screams and...


Oratio ad Sanctum Michael

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions 19 May 2013 · 88 views

SANCTE Michael Archangele,
defende nos in proelio, contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium.
Imperet illi Deus, supplices deprecamur:
tuque, Princeps militiae caelestis,
Satanam aliosque spiritus malignos,
qui ad perditionem animarum pervagantur in mundo,
divina virtute,
in infernum detrude.

SAINT Michael the Archangel,


what we desrve

Posted by EVH , 12 May 2013 · 39 views

is this all I deserve? is it? why??

"You donít deserve anyone to love you or care about you ever" ...they tell us stuff and we try to fight it in our heads, try to protect our hearts from the destructive power of their words. But one day, when we get very very tired of fighting, protecting and being strong we start believing them. And their words...


My 10 commandments

Posted by EVH , 11 May 2013 · 33 views

1)when you think you cannot sink any lower - you can

2)when you think you cannot feel any worse - you can

3)when you think you reached the very bottom - you didn't. there is always a hidden basement entry leading you to the lowest low

4)when you think you can finally start feeling free - you can't, there will always be someone reminding you of...



Posted by EVH , 13 April 2013 · 43 views

This is the end. Hold your breath and count to ten.


Getting crushed

Posted by EVH , 10 April 2013 · 83 views

I found myself thinking again. I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn't. When all this is in your head it has to come out into your life. If it doesn't, you get crushed.

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electri...


It wasn't to be

Posted by EVH , 05 April 2013 · 41 views

When you say you want the truth you have no idea what you're talking about. Be careful what you ask for. They told you the truth will set you free? What the hell did they know? The truth is horrible. Frightening. Because when you find out what's really going on with you, you may never recover...

14 weeks and only 8 hrs of sleep.

Been given 24 h...


Please stay

Posted by EVH , 27 March 2013 · 66 views

Today I can't even think clearly. Can barely stand up straight. Physically I feel like I'm close to a breakdown. It's been 12 weeks and 5 days and only 5hrs of sleep. I'm a wreck. I'm a mess. Cut my hand today. Thought it would help me forget. Help me get back to my false truth, to my life before the disclosure. It didn't. So I cut...



Posted by EVH , 25 March 2013 · 49 views

Not sure what to write today. Besides that I have never felt that depressed before. Ever.

Listening to Brian Crain and thinking how much I miss playing piano and how much I loved it when I was a kid. How much I loved it before they hurt me.

There was a piano in his office. I remember him sitting there "time to play my little bitch". I remember t...


Per aspera ad astra

Posted by EVH , 23 March 2013 · 57 views

running out of vodka. want my secrets back. all of them. now. being sober sucks.

I believed that I could change myself,that the past could be undone, but I carry on my back the burdens time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal it's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear.

Can't stop...



Posted by EVH , 22 March 2013 · 56 views

12 weeks. 4hrs 23 min of sleep incl. nightmares and waking up all wet and scared to death. Ate a banana and a few cornflakes to have something to throw up when the flashbacks hit. Nose bleeds got worse. And the funny thing is, flashbacks cause nose bleeds and my bleeding nose triggers flashbacks. How fucked up is that??!! My hair is fallin out. Fe...


It's all coming back to me :(

Posted by EVH , 18 March 2013 · 53 views


11 weeks without sleep. Keep on getting nose bleeds. I thought I remembered everything. But there is more. So much more.

It looks like a big part of my disturbing memories has been pushed out of my conscious mind. And now itís all coming back to me. Every day new flashbacks hit me so hard that I need to sit down or stop what...


Mirror Mirror on the wall

Posted by EVH , 16 March 2013 · 44 views

Feeling so alone right now, it's suffocating me. The air's got so thick I find it hard to breathe. And never before have I felt so desperately in need.I know that I must start listening to the voice inside of me. Find the strength, to keep on walking.

I've gotta stop my mind working overtime. It's driving me insane. It will not let me liv...


A shoulder to lean on

Posted by EVH , 16 March 2013 · 47 views

10 weeks without sleep. I'm so very tired. And sad. I think I'm sad. I think I'd like to put my head on someone's shoulder just for a little while. And close my eyes. And forget the flashbacks. Forget the headache. I think I wanna cry. My eyes burn.

But no shoulder to lean on.

I think I'd like someone to be there for me. Someone to...


Once upon a time there was a therapist

Posted by EVH , 10 March 2013 · 55 views


I know they say it helps. Talking about our issues. Pain shared is pain halved. They say there are people out there who know how to help us go through our messed up lives. Certified people who know how to help us fight our very private war that we seem to lose when fighting it alone. Trained people who know how to talk to us about our painful stuff....


Girlie, tough ain't enough

Posted by EVH , 09 March 2013 · 46 views

Frankie Dunn: You forgot the rule. Now, what is the rule?
Maggie Fitzgerald: Keep my left up?
Frankie Dunn: No. It Is to protect yourself at all times. Now, what is the rule?
Maggie Fitzgerald: Protect myself at all times.
Frankie Dunn: Good. Good.

Feel confused today. Think about running away again. Sweden. Sounds nice. I like Sweden. Always wan...



Posted by EVH , 08 March 2013 · 39 views


The truth scares me. Iím scared that as soon as my whole past becomes true Iíll fall apart. I wonít be able to handle this amount of pain. Tears will flood me. Flashbacks will haunt me till I go crazy. My own words....i knew it. Christ. I knew. I always know better when it's too late. Why have I let someone in? I knew exactly wha...


Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

Posted by EVH , 07 March 2013 · 43 views

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
so dark and foul I can't disguise
days like this
I become afraid
of the darkness in my heart

Feel like curling up into a ball and spending the whole day lying in bed and staring at the wall. Well that sounds familiar. Who are you girl?
But there is something else I can do. run. run for my life agai...


Open your heart and tell me what's wrong

Posted by EVH , 07 March 2013 · 28 views

Ok, so now it's out. Now there is someone out there who knows who i am.

14 years of running away. 14 very long years of hiding, pretending to be someone else and trying to become who they wanted me to be.

But now it's out. Now I am who I am.

Maybe it will help. Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep again. Maybe now I'll be able to open...



Posted by EVH , 06 March 2013 · 58 views

Haven't slept in 9 weeks. Too scared to close my eyes. But this time it's my back pain that keeps me awake. Got up to make some coffee. And then the pain hit me. Sharp like a razor blade going through my hips and sacrum. For the first time ever pain knocked me down. I fell. A totally uncontrolled reaction.

Is this how my life is going to look lik...

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