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EVH's Blog


How Much?

Posted by EVH , 18 December 2015 · 90 views

How much do you give to others? All of you? How hard do you try to make others happy? So hard that you lose yourself, hate yourself, blame yourself? Where is the line? When you feel miserable everyday is that the line? The line you shouldn't cross? Because if you do you will lose yourself even more, hate yourself even more and blame yourself so much more...


Black & Silent

Posted by EVH , 29 August 2015 · 132 views

One step. Then it's all just black. And silent.

I know this feeling. When it happens everything disppears. I'm free. All the everyday struggles, fear, pain and tears are gone. No more misunderstandings, no more fighting, no more hiding or running away. No more trying to be strong and proving to others and to myself that I can be someone I'm not. No more...


The vow of silence

Posted by EVH , 17 August 2015 · 133 views

Over the last couple of weeks, months maybe, I have realised that I have to learn to shut up. How hard can it be? How hard is it to understand that people don't welcome my opinions with open arms, especially the not so nice ones. I was told years ago to shut up. Just shut your mouth you stupid bitch. Stop talking. So why can't I just do it. Just shut up?...


The labyrinth of coping

Posted by EVH , 15 August 2015 · 130 views

It's been a while since my last blog. Things have changed. For the better. For the worse. Life. Things change, don't they? And we cope. Or we don't. And we're being told we can cope. We should cope. We have to cope. Because we're stronger than we think we are. Because we are stronger than our past. Stronger than our conditioning. And our pain. We are stro...


Thick skin & elastic heart

Posted by EVH , 06 August 2014 · 151 views

Just sharing a song tonight. Don't know what to say. It's tough. Or maybe it's just me and my stupid head. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.


Like a ghost

Posted by EVH , 24 June 2014 · 145 views

It made me laugh today. What happened to me made me laugh. I laughed. Laughed. Laughed. And Laughed. Till I cried. Till I started to scream my soul out and throw stuff.
And tonight he called. Like a ghost from the past. Reminding me of my life that I kinda liked. A life so much easier. A life in denial. A Munich-Oktoberfest life. "Hi Schatzi, na Ma...


Déjà vu

Posted by EVH , 23 June 2014 · 115 views

I stay up late to live tonight. This is my destination, tonight. Too scared to close my eyes. It's too loud in my head again.Traffic jam of thoughts.
Wish I could stop the flashbacks. Wish I could stop the past. I wish I could stop this burning sensation in my chest.
Wow this sounds so familiar. Having a déjà vu. Again.


Where do I begin?

Posted by EVH , 23 June 2014 · 104 views

Caught up and lost in my thoughts.
Where do I begin?
The rubble or my sins?


Wide Awake

Posted by EVH , 22 June 2014 · 113 views

I'm wide awake. Losing sleep again. Trying to pick up all the pieces. So many missing. This story is not over yet. Still counting.



Posted by EVH , 21 June 2014 · 182 views

They lined up.
It was a long night.
A quick warm-up.
And then the sun came up.
And I was too busy to eat.
If you know what I mean.


Teams & Games

Posted by EVH , 21 June 2014 · 112 views

It's World Cup time again and it got me thinking. We spend our whole lives choosing teams. Germany or Brazil? The Blues or the Maroons? The Roos or the Blades? And some of us choose to play for "the other team". But it hit me today. The team doesn't matter. It's all about the game. So the question is not are you playing for the right team. The question is...


Always one

Posted by EVH , 29 May 2014 · 108 views

Have become all I lost and all I hoped for.
But I must carry on
Always one
Never broken.


everyone is tired

Posted by EVH , 26 May 2014 · 107 views

Feeling so tired today. I feel tired every day and I'm not really sure why. My mother would say something like "why are you tired? you're only 30" or "everyone is tired". I used to go through the week with only a few hours of sleep and be totally fine, always 100% there, doing whatever needed to be done, never leaving important stuff to the last minute, a...


one moment in this life

Posted by EVH , 23 May 2014 · 107 views

You only get one moment in this life to be great...Don't waste it.
Go, they can't stop you.
Heavyweight flow, if they can't lift you then they can't drop you
The pinnacle, if they can't reach you then they can't drop you
Man, they can't do anything that you're about to.

Official Video http://www.pandys.org/forum...


Standing in the flames

Posted by EVH , 06 May 2014 · 180 views

So tired today. Flashbacks, non stop. Went to work though. College tomorrow. Just want to stop thinking. About what they said. What they did. About who I am. Fire beneath my feet. But pushing through. Standing in the flames. Trying to find the light. Surviving. Because that's what we do. That's what we have to do. Everyday. Right?


Scarred life

Posted by EVH , 05 May 2014 · 214 views

Another anniversary approaching fast. Very fast. Too fast. 1 year. 12 months. 48 weeks. 336 days. 8,064 hours, 291 flashbacks. Millions of thoughts that I silenced as soon as I saw them coming. Millions of feelings that I stopped as soon as I realised they're knocking on my door. 5 litres of tears instead of blood pumped by my heart but never filling my e...


Only then can we begin to heal

Posted by EVH , 22 April 2014 · 203 views

No means NO!
"But these women truly begin to heal when their secret is revealed - to the world or their husbands or a close confidant (...) Whether consciously or not, this is reflective...


Life does not look back

Posted by EVH , 20 April 2014 · 132 views

One of the 1000000000 thoughts running through my head today:
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.”...


Read All About It

Posted by EVH , 12 April 2014 · 197 views


Show must go on

Posted by EVH , 10 April 2014 · 158 views

Trying to keep my hands busy and ignore my head. Sounds familiar. Been there done that. Sleep. Coffee. Chicken soup. Homework. Flashbacks. Sleep. Come on Eve. Show must go on. You can do it.

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