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Emotional Groundhog Day

Posted by EVH , 09 April 2014 · 58 views

I'm a loser. That's who I am. That's who I've been my whole life. Haven't achieved anything. I'm 30 now. Not likely to achieve anything anymore. The persistent fear of failure still haunting me. Their voices in my head. Still so powerful. And the little girl in me still so scared. Still so lost. Paralysed. I'm not moving forward. That's what losers do. They do not move forward. Cowards. Hopeless dreamers. Emotionally screwed up and isolated lonely dreamers, too scared to go out there and reach their dreams. Pretending they don't exist. At all. Who cares anyway. Waiting for this day to be over. Cannot wait. It's dark outside. 10pm. Thank God. A few more hours of pretending that I'm studying for my exams, of pretending that I care about school, about tomorrow, about who I am and who I'm not. A few more hours. Just a few more hours before the flashbacks hit me again. And my body explodes with pain. Then I'll get some sleep. Before a new day begins. An emotional Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow again and returned to his hole so the winter is not over yet. Will it ever be?

At thirty I think I felt somewhat like you. Even at 39. But these last few months its like I have come out of my crysalis. What's one more decade? You've made it through three already. And there will be highs along with the lows. You're still moving, this is good.

:metoyou: You're not a loser, you're in pain. This kind of pain paralyses, disables. But you are moving forward.

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