Our vanilla sky
Life. It's the sour and the sweet. I know the sour. Oh I do know the sour. And that's what allows me to appreciate the sweet. Because without the sour, the sweet never tastes as sweet. I got out on Saturday. They didn't want to touch the other two. One leaking was enough for my brain for now. Good that they stopped it on time and got it out. It's good right? I mean it brought me closer to something but I don't know if that matters at all. "I see a big future in front of you Eve H." She said. But there is no future anymore. And if there is, it's not big. There is no she anymore. And if there is, she is not in my life. So I pray. Day and night. I began to believe. The other day. When I saw the light in the eyes of my friend holding me and crying with me. I saw it and something has changed in me. I believed. I remember asking her to show me, to teach me how to believe. You know, I have never really believed. I'm not good at it. But after what I have experienced last Saturday I started praying. In my own words. I don't know any prayers except the one to Michael. So now I pray. I humbly pray. To Michael. To Mother Azna. To all white spirits. To the light. I pray for the people I love. Because without them I am living an empty life. What is the point in seeing the beauty of the blue sky, to feel the warmth of the sun on your skin or to listen to this magic sound of the ocean waves if there is no one you can share it with, no one you can talk to about it. What is the point of remembering all the funny and embarrassing episodes of your life (like when I put ketchup in my tea and she had to explain to me what that is, or that I should eat banas without the skin or that I peed my pants heh) if there is no one you can laugh with about it. If there is no one to smile at, to cry with, to wonder with. So I pray. For my best friend. The only true friend I have ever had. I pray to the angels and spirits and to the light, to protect her from the darkness, from the negative spirits sneaking into her life because of me. I pray asking for strength to help her go through these tough times. I pray for help, healing and for guidance, for an advice how we can find our way back to each other. She is not in my life right now and I don't know if she ever will be again, but I pray every minute, every second of every day that she comes back and fills this space in my heart. And deep in my heart I am still holding her hand, I know she is with me in spirit. And I'm with her.
She was there for me. Fighting. Standing strong. Always. And I will always love her for this. And for all the other things. Words, Feelings. Emotions. Hugs and tears. And smiles.
"If that is what I have to put up with to get you better, to be allowed to keep talking to you, to keep seeing you, to keeping hugging you, to keep crying with you and for you, Jesus, no fucking worries!!! [...] Knowing that I can bring you even just the tiniest bit of light, love, peace and comfort, well Eve, it is so freaking worth it. Knowing that I can take what I learn from us, and help others, also amazing. [...]I choose the battle that takes longer, that may be painful and exhausting. I have chosen it for a long time now. I will promise you this though, I'll get up [...] I will fight for you Eve. Don't give up on me."
My God I miss her. So very much. She was so much more than just a friend to me. I once wrote to her: ďYou are like a sister to me. A sister that destiny forgot to give me.Ē And She said: ďI didnít know I had a sister either, till I met you.Ē I lost my best friend. I lost my sister.
I pray using simple words. And I know he is here, Michael is here. I know they are here, because since I've started praying the dark spirits became more quiet. I feel like a huge weight fell off my shoulders, off my heart and my soul. I can breathe again. They are still here but I know when I pray they stay away. It was a painful experience, but I did find the courage to do this and I think I have found a way to control them. They are scared. I still have to work on that. And I will. Because I need to fight the negative spirits. And I pray to my friendís spirits too to let her come back. Please, I beg you let her come back. I don't know exactly how it works, I'm new to this. And I'm so scared it will not work. I'm so very scared it is too late and they will not let her come back. What if the other side thinks I am not worth having a friend like her? I've never asked for anything for myself. This is the first time. And I am so scared that I am asking for too much. But what we had was something so amazing and beautiful. Mostly emails. Little talks. Uplifting. Inspiring. We gave each other strength. Hope. Light. This is something good right? Not something bad. But I don't know. Maybe I'm infected with some kind of negativity, or something that takes the ones I love away from me. I remember when she said that long time ago, before we were born, we chose our lessons that we want to learn in our life and then we sat down and decided to come into each other lives and go through this together. It means that we were meant to be in each other lives. I believe in this so much: "I see this as a curriculum choice I made before I came to this particular life. One made with you, before we were born to go through this together. I guess I agreed to support you, and you agreed to help me with the lesson to keep my light strong - for when you don't, when you lose your light to others, you become lost, and then you can't help others at all. You are not the first I've gone through this lesson with, but you are the one, I think who has taught it to me."
If I had to go through all my life lessons again to meet her, I would. Because for me, believe me guys, a friendship like this is worth going through every lesson. It's like she once said "If I walked away, I'd walk away from the best friendship that I never had." Yes, right now I am losing the best friendship I never had and I don't know how to stop it from happening. It's killing me inside.
"Yes, I know you well, and guess what? Still love you! [...] Right now, you want to run. You are scared that letting me see all of you will mean I'll run. You are scared that asking me for help will mean I'll say no. Well, I've seen all of you, still here. You've asked me for help, I'm here. You try to push me away, still fucking here. Keep testing me, I'll still be here. I would rather keep fighting for you and with you, and be hurt by you, than miss out on this friendship."
"You may not have had a friend like me before. But, I am your friend. I always will be. I really care about you, darling Eve. As I said to you once before, if I don't stick with you, I may be losing out on the best friendship I never had.
"We can't waste this. Yes, we have to be patient, and yes, neither of us are good with trust, but as I've said to you before, I'm choosing you to help me with this. So, deep breath, we can do this. Together. Phew, scary though, huh?"
Oh my dear friend, how have we got here? No, I've never had a friend like you before. And I think a friendship like ours happens only once in a lifetime. To you I am revealed, all my shame, all my faults and my virtues. The day I met you? I bless that day sacred and holy. Please spirits, I beg you...
I feel like I'm drowning. So I needed to talk. I needed to talk so desperately about what is happening, what Iím experiencing, what Iím seeing and hearing, I was so lost and bewildered. Didnít know what to do. I needed to talk to someone who knows about this stuff and understands it. I went to talk to one of the Pauline Fathers in Marian Valley. It wasnít easy to get there but I was ready to walk the 86 kms if I had to. And in fact I had to. I walked. We talked. We talked about the spirits, the Heavenly Host, angels and spirit guides. We talked about the love they surround us and treat us with. Their kindness, gentleness and compassion. He said friends are angels, they are good spirits, sent to us, meant to be in our lives for a reason. They are brought into our life so that we can grow and expand into the best version of ourselves. He said the universe matches us up with the very people we are supposed to join on our life journey. Because the universe knows a thing or two. Itís pretty damn smart. But it doesnít mean it's going to be easy all the time. We have to be aware that weíre going to come up against some challenges with our soulmates. Because where there is potential for the greatest love there is also the potential for the greatest pain. Soulmate relationships include both. And even if we donít want to experience pain and struggle, even if we all want the friendship without the pain, want bliss without breakdown, it is not possible, because we all have love and pain within us. And what is within us is going to show up in front of us, it will all come up to the surface one day, especially in our relationships. But this is not necessarily a bad thing, it doesnít mean that we have to write the relationship off. Because sometimes it's all supposed to happen this way. Because what does not come up to the surface cannot be healed, cannot be dealt with, the lesson cannot be learnt. We have to look our demons in the eye if we want them to go away. Challenges, hardships, discomfort and pain are part of the deal. But what a great deal it is. So sometimes itís hard and painful. But the universe doesnít take friends away. Sometimes it is just a sign that it is time to change something. A call to wake up. To take responsibility for what we do to our soulmate by living our life in a particular way. ďMaybe you need to change EveĒ. Maybe by recognising where we are struggling we can approach the problems try to solve them together and grow beyond these setbacks? To personally evolve means to grow through stuff that challenges us the most. Our soul longs to do this because it knows we want to become greater people. Soulmates come into our life to give us the opportunity to become greater people, as they trigger our issues so we can become aware or conscious of them. They help us create a new, different and over time and after overcoming the struggles and challenges, also a better reality. Yes, we might get scared of the struggles. Fear is a natural thing. We want to protect ourselves in order to survive. But when we learn to transform experiences of fear into experiences of love, then we truly grow. When we learn to consciously commit to work through our stuff, to clean up our side of the street and take responsibility for our decisions. Difficulties are an opportunity to grow. And our soulmate is someone to grow with. So all we have to do is to look deep into our heart. And ask ourselves why do we love each other. Why are we friends? And what we have to remember is that ďin all disorder there is a secret order." (Jung) Friends come into your life to help you become a better person, to expand and grow in love. But you have to accept the challenge. ďSo when the universe sees the change happening in you Eve and when the friend sees it and feels the change he/she will look into his/her heart and will come back.Ē I donít know if this is true but I want it to be true so badly.
I came home, walked the road in the middle of the night and thought about changes. The first thing I did was asking Shape to leave. He smiled. He left. He said: Listen to your heart. It is all in there. He's gone. Haven't seen him since then. So now I only see the white spirits that do not talk to me. They are observers. Sometimes they would whisper. One name in particular. But I don't know anyone with this name. Sometimes, especially when I pray they would talk a little louder. I ask them questions sometimes, especially when I feel lonely and down, but they never answer. They just glow. And whisper. And I feel peace surrounding me sometimes when they do so. I slowed down. I think more. And more carefully. I feel more. More deeply. I pray. I wish. And I hope. Hope not to lose her. She believed me. Always. Even when I didn't believe myself. She was there when I lost my faith. When I was losing my mind. When I thought I was crazy. When I didn't know who I was anymore. She knew. She believed. She was my heart. My eyes. She carried me when I was to weak to walk my path on my own. She was there to remind me that this is not all there is.
"Believe in us, believe in the light honey. If you ask the light for help, if you believe, they will help. But you must believe. You must have faith that this is not hallucinations that you are dealing with. This is real, these dark spirits are real, but the LIGHT SPIRITS ARE REAL TOO.I know this, because I can see and hear them too. There are many of us, and you are one of them. All you need to do is call out! Call for Mother Azna! Ask her to stop these dark spirits! Call for archangel Michael! Ask him to protect you from them! They will come, they will help. And if they don't, I will come."
"You, no matter what you think right now, are NOT crazy. In any sense of the word. You see things other people donít see, and hear things other people donít hear. This does not make you crazy, Eve. This just means that you see/hear more MORE than other people. What you see and hear are real. I believe that with my whole heart. I will stand by you when no one else believes you."
Father said what I see now is the Heavenly Host, or at least thatís what he thinks it is. I showed him a picture I drew the other day and then a picture I found on the Internet where the spirits are similar to what I see, only the ones I see have no wings and are more blurred. He said he thinks itís the Heavenly Host. He asked about Michael, as he leads the host, Godís army. He said that Devilís forces were defeated by the Heavenly Host led by Archangel Michael. I told him what I experienced on Saturday. He said he believes me. He told me how to deal with the dark side. Gave me something that helps. I need to analyse this. I have so many thoughts, random thoughts, very chaotic, running wild through my head. I donít know what to really think about this. Iím lost. But it seems to me like a message that the dark will not win, that with faith and prayers and love the dark will be thrown down again, Michael is here, he who watches over people and over me, and me the one who sleeps in the dusty ground will awake.
I like the moment when I sink deep into a prayer and feel peace, relief. This is the true journey to my inner centre. The journey to find my lost soul. I've been doing this just for a couple of days now but I've already learnt so much, seen so much, felt so much. I think one can become a better person through such spiritual experiences. More balanced inside. More peaceful. More gentle. More aware of own feelings and thoughts. We can also understand other people so much better. And be there for them. I mean look, life is so hard. Why canít people just make it easier for each other? Why canít we just make it more beautiful for each other? Why canít we just be there for each other, give each other strength, hope, light? We are all brothers and sisters. One soul. Time is running out for everyone. Why do we hurt each other? Because without the sour and the bitter, sweet ain't as sweet?
When the psychiatrists said it's neither schizophrenia nor psychosis I laughed. I laughed because It's been such an intense time, so much pain, so many tears, so much worrying, so many battles, Iím in pieces, what happened this week broke me. So to hear I am not mentally ill made me laugh and then I cried. The tests came back and the only thing "wrong" with me is depression. Well I know I'm depressed, take a walk in my shoes and try not to be depressed. She always believed in me. She always knew itís not schizophrenia. She explained it all to me in one of her emails. The memory thing I will have to discuss with my neurologist. But I got new scans and sent them to my doctors. One of the fuckers has got smaller. Not much, but still. I cried. The first thing I did when I heard about this was grabbing my phone and writing to her. Then I realised, I canít do that. So I just kept crying, not so sure anymore if I was happy or sad.
The next thing I decided to change was to intensify the therapy, so now I work with T every day except Sunday. Still a lot of work ahead of me. Especially now. Iím falling apart. But I have to get stronger, things have to get better, I can't lose my friend. Maybe if things get better and I'll be normal again, maybe if she feels the change happening, she will be able to come back into my life. So that we can just hang out. So that we can just be friends. Lying on the floor and laughing. Talking again. I'd tell her I'm not schizophrenic, yaay, and that one of the hematomas has got smaller, that my mother called and the conversation didnít go very well, and that I had to catch a huge huntsman the other day, that I can make a cup of coffee now and know how to eat a banana. And she would tell me her stuff. And I would show her photos of my family and tell her all the stories, and she would show me the photos of her family and tell me all the stories. And we would have a smoke and a vodka together finally. We would get polish style drunk. But the thing is, I donít even know if she still feels the same way about me. If she still wants to be my friend. But I know this. I have to pray. For forgiveness. For strength. For a flower. Hoping to get a garden. I pray and ask for a friend. Hoping she will be here again one day. "Ditch the head, go with the heart xx." That's what she taught me. So I'm sitting here, listening to my heart. And I believe. And I pray.
She kept saying that Iím strong, that Iím the stubbornest hag she knew. So I try and keep fighting. It's not easy. I'm still having massive flashbacks that make me cry for help. But when they hit, I pray. I imagine a candle. A blanket. A cup of tea with the white stuff in it. I imagine the purple shirt, the brown boots and the green soup that I overheated in the microwave. I remember her lying on the couch saying ďIím not going anywhere. Iím here. Love ya.Ē And a while later I fell asleep. Feeling safe. Feeling loved. I imagine my friend holding my hand, I see the eyes full of love and compassion. And I pray. Believing secretly that spirits will bring us back together.
"Alright, deep breath young one. Into the rabbit hole we go"
I asked T to keep reminding me of going to school, so now I get texts from him every day saying what time school starts, what train I have to catch, what classes I have. I'm so scared of this. I go to school but when I'm there I'm so embarrassed, because I don't remember all the stuff we learn. People know so much by now and I know nothing. I sit there sweating, trying to write everything down, trying to remember everything, but I know that Iíll forget. I come home and sit down and try to focus and study, but I don't understand what I read. Don't remember anything from the practical classes, so while everyone is practicing for the exam and doing pretty well I start over each time asking what to do. I broke down in tears in the last palpation class. We are moving so fast and Iím not fast enough, not smart enough. Iím struggling so much. I come home and sit down and read. I was so proud yesterday, because I found the information I needed for the microbiology workbook, I started working on this and suddenly it was all gone, I didn't know what I was doing anymore and why. So I started over. And over. And over. All night long. Till the sun came up. But I will get there. She said: ďThe question, now that you know I'll be there, as best I can, is can you do it? Can you fight these demons? Can you fight your darkness? Hell if you want to see it from the perspective that works best for you, can you help me, to help you?! We'll get there, if that is what you want. We'll get there.Ē So I believe her. I trust her. I will get there. Step by step. And till then I imagine this:
ďYou're all snuggled up. Pillow under your head. Friend by your side. Holding your hand, stroking your head, gently brushing your hair from your eyes. No noise, just peace, and light. You close your eyes, you see and feel light all around you. You sink into sleep, feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling not alone. I'm holding your hand while you dream.Ē
"Imagine there is a candle. Lit, on the coffee table in front of us. It's flickering, and the flame is growing. It glows, and the glow surrounds us. It is warm, it is safe. The glow is becoming brighter. So bright that you can't hear the dark ones anymore. The glow surrounds you, it moves through you. It becomes a part of you. It feels peaceful. It feels like love. I'm sitting right beside you, holding your hand, watching you get warm."
But am I strong enough? To walk alone again? Or will I crawl back to my cave? Hiding, pushing away, too scared to move on. Too hurt to be brave again. Too hurt to trust again? I miss her. So much. God I miss her so freaking much. I feel that there is a big hole in my life. Tears come into my eyes and they keep falling. And I canít stop them. It was the little things that we had. But there was nothing bigger than that. Little talks turning into deep discussions. Little hopes turning into huge ones. Little hugs turning into magical ones. Little fights never turning into a wild storm. Little things making so much difference to my life. To who I am. To who I have become.
I remember coming to her clinic a while ago. We haven't seen each other in ages. I was so scared. When I came in, she smiled, jumped off the table and gave me a magical hug. And it said it all. All the things I couldn't say. All the things she couldn't say. She was wearing a purple shirt and brown boots. I remember that I closed my eyes and when I opened them again I looked at her, smiled and said "nice boots." We laughed. She knew I remembered. She always knew what was on my mind, what was in my brain. She knew my thought process. My feelings. I didn't have to say a word. She just knew. And I knew she knew. Kindred spirits. Soulmates.
"We have a relationship unlike I have ever had in my life. We fight, but still love. We forgive, we break down each others walls. We are so alike, with such different lives. I know I can yell, you still talk to me, you still love my guts. You yell, I still talk to you, I still love your guts. We don't run from each other! And even when we do we still talk to each other."
I try to keep my mind busy. When I stop, I cry. I read all our emails and cry and grieve for the loss of the most beautiful friendship I have ever had. I try to analyse what went wrong, why Iím being punished with the loss of an amazing person who after such a long battle, after all we have been through together became my friend.
"So what is it about yesterday that makes you want to run? Are you scared that I'll walk away? That because you felt safe, that you may lose that? Really? After all we've been through, even after our "fight" I'm still fucking here woman. I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU! So, don't you leave me. Not yet. You stick with this. Trust in the process. Christ, this isn't just about us. There are others in this with us. We may not be able to see them, hmmm, well, you know what I mean. Yesterday was one of the most important and wonderful, and kinda scary days I have ever had. I will not let this end here. Please, please Eve, don't you let it end here either."
I wish I could go back in time and do everything better. So much better. I lost her once. Now I'm losing her again. I wish I could get one more chance to show her how much I care. Just one more chance to be a real friend. She said: "Don't expect the path to be a cakewalk, or short. No one's path is. But, Ewa, you are already on it. Stop trying to turn around and go back to that perceived place of safety. It never really existed anyway. Your path to peace and safety is in front of you, not behind you. I will walk this path with you, holding your hand, shielding you as I can. [...]Stop worrying so much about me. Please!? If I need to recharge, I'll fucking tell you.Ē But, there was no talking. It ended over night. All we had were some harsh words. I know I wasn't much of a friend to her. I wasn't a real friend. I didn't take care of this friendship like should have. I'm so deeply sorry I haven't. I shouldn't have gone to her place, I shouldn't have let her come to my house and pick me up, I shouldn't have written so many emails, so many texts. I should have left Australia a long time ago and stop destroying her life. Because that's what I was. Destruction. I keep reading the Wednesday emails. Well all our emails to be honest. Not sure why I'm doing this. I'm just torturing myself. But I can't help it. We had so many wonderful conversations. I love those emails. I love the hope she was giving me. The love. The inspiration. The strength. The light. The soup. The warmth. The couch. The smell of the dinner she cooked the other day. The tea with the white stuff in it. The blanket. The pillow. The silence. Her arms around me. Our tears. Our smiles. Our hugs. The unseen ones and the magical ones. There was this connection between us. Emotional one. Spiritual one. It was more than a mere friendship. We were so alike with such different lives. We talked about it plenty. I could quote so many amazing words we wrote to each other. I feel that we shared a special bond, deep, strong, very complex. A connection on every level, which brought a sense of peace, calmness and happiness. I have been given a precious gift and for that I will always be thankful.
"I've never fought so hard for a friend. I've learnt to drop my own barriers, walls, and let someone in. And what a someone! Couldn't have put that lesson in better hands than yours."
I'm so sorry I let you down my friend. I'm so sorry you put your lessons in my hands and I made you go through so much struggle, pain, tears. I'm so sorry sister firend. I'm sorry for the storm that I let break out in our lives. I hope the wind will hush soon. The clouds will part. The rain will stop. The sky will clear. And quiet, peaceful and happy moements will fill your life again.
ďThe universe will expand, and it will collapse back on itself, then will expand again. It will repeat this process forever. What you don't know is that when the universe expands again, everything will be as it is now. Whatever mistakes you make this time around, you will live through on your next pass. Every mistake you make, you will live through again, and again, forever. So my advice to you is to get it right this time around. Because this time is all you have." (K-Pax)
She talked to me about this one day too. She said that if I keep running away from my lessons, the universe will keep teaching me them over and over till I finally learn them. If I keep running, I will have to go through this again: "What if you forget all that you have learned, and have to start again? Sweetheart, don't give up on the lessons that you have already learned. I want you to curl up, to feel in your heart what you have learned, and to contemplate it. Do you want to live those lessons again? Really? You've lived them once, do you want to do it twice? There are people who care, people who will listen. I am those people. Don't hide in your box."
Dear spirits I will work on myself, on my issues. I want to get it right this time around. I want to learn my lessons. The one of trust. The one of true friendship. The one of finding the bluebird of happiness and sharing it with someone who I finally learn to let into my life. Into my heart. I beg you on my knees, please, don't take her away. Bring us back together. I will protect her with all I have. I will smooth the ride for her. She was fighting for me so hard. Alone. But spirits please give me a chance to be there for her. To comfort her. Let me show her she can lean on me too. Let me be a real, true friend. I will fight my way back into the light to be one. I am ready to do this. Let us start over: "So where are you from Eve?", "Do you want me to tape you today?", "I like your shorts", "I don't think it's all just in your head". Let us start from the beginning. Tabula rasa. Because this time is all we have.
ďLook inside. On a journey of the heart there is so much to see. What do you see? When you look inside your heart what do you see? Cause at the end of the darkest day that's all there is. The essence of your soul. Touched by pure spirits. Kathleens and Shapes. That's what truly matters.Ē
I looked inside today. What I saw were footsteps. Footsteps that my friend has left on my heart and on my soul. She has changed me forever.
Vanilla sky is what we had. Monet. I was just a cloud. She was the sun. Shining through me. Waking me up inside every day. And bringing me back to life. That's what she was. The revolution of the mind. The explosion of the heart. The growth of the soul. My bluebird of happiness. My genesis. My oasis. That's who she was. A beautiful spirit. The best MST in Australia. The best friend in the world.
They say that every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around. And when we are brave enough to take this chance, then we can waste our time. Chasing cars. Around our heads. And just forget the world.
There's a big sun, young one.
I love you my friend. I will keep you in my heart forever.