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the soup

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 13 August 2013 · 102 views

Hey Eve


I know you don't remember me

Not really, no, I'm sorry

Ok, let me help you remember

Oh, yeah hi Shape, you look better! much better!

Yes, I got a little stronger

That's great, I'm so glad. I'm happy for you. So you're safe? Someone's taking care of you?

Yes, I'm safe. She's safe too and much stronger. I'm in a very safe place. It's a safe place, a warm place, the place where you ate the first real meal you've had in weeks

The soup...

Yes. You remember?

Of course I do. It's the most precious memory I have. When it gets dark in my heart it's my light that guides me. It's my silence, when life gets too loud. It's my North Star when I'm lost. It's like coming to a safe warm place after a long rainy day. Someone once said, well, I think it's from a movie, or maybe from a book: "I'm going to fight this. I'm going to fight for you, no matter whether you remember or believe. You need to trust in me. If you are hopeless, depend on someone who can see. I will be your eyes. I will be your heart. I will carry you, when you can't see." This memory is my heart. My eyes. It carries me when I can't see. That's what it means to me. It's my everything.

It's not from a movie. And not from a book.

It's not?

No. One day you will know who said these words to you. Tell me about this memory.

Um I remember sitting on a couch I guess I'm not sure it's blurred, and then someone gave me a cup of soup. It was hot. And it smelled so incredibly good. I remember the smell. And how it tasted. Every sip of the soup filled me with warmth, peace and this feeling of safety. This soup washed away all my sorrows. Soothed the pain. Filled this space in my heart. It was like finding my way back home.
Then I remember the warm blanket wrapped around me and a hand on my arm, a hand holding my hand, arms holding me and letting me take the mask off and cry in safety. In those arms I wasn't alone. In those arms all my wrongs were right. They took the chains off from my soul. Suddenly there was no shame, no walls, no fear. In those arms I saw the light. I could feel it. All my journeys ended in those safe arms keeping me from harm. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same.
I don't remember this person who was with me that day, but this person has her/his own life and she/he made room for me in it. I will never forget that.

What else do you remember?

Not much. A few things from Friday night, those two guys, then the hospital on Saturday. That's it. I don't remember anything else.

It's ok, one day you will remember again. Don't worry.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. Ask away.

Are you angry? Are you angry at me?

No. I'm not angry. I'm proud of you. You're fighting against the darkness. It doesn't matter if you believe in me or not. You're not givig up. You keep on walking. And the last few days were very challenging. And so is this week. And every single day of your life right now. But, even without the light, you're fighting. And I can hear you talking to me sometimes. I know it's in you Eve. This faith. Deep in your heart you do believe. You're just scared. I understand it, I really do. It's scary. An you must be unspeakably tired. So no, I'm not angry Eve.

Oh thank you. You know this song: we've got holes in our hearts, we've got holes in our lives, we've got holes but we carry on. That's the way the life is designed.

Eve, it's not a tumor, it's not another hematoma.

How can you know that?

Believe me. Get new scans done. Don't be scared. Get up, the floor is cold, get up and keep fighting. I'll try to help you with school, ok? You will find a way out one day.

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