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Painting the sky with silver lining

Posted by EVH , 01 August 2013 · 96 views

Sitting in my closet and drinking red wine that burns my mouth. I'm thinking. In my case that's quite an achievement. It has never been my strength. Thinking. I pretty much always followed my instincts. Now I can't even do that. I was sitting in the library today watching people reading, working on their assessments, studying, laughing, talking, eating. And all I could feel was emptiness. And this strange feeling of missing something in my "life". Today I forgot my name. I came in late and...didn't know my name. Then someone asked me if I'd like go and grab a pizza during the lunch break. Sure, if I only knew what that is. I feel like I'm frozen in time. Life is happening somewhere far far away, in a place I can see and hear but can't reach. So I'm just trying to fit in. Be like everyone else. Look like everyone else. Behave like everyone else. Laugh like everyone else. Because then they won't notice I'm different than them. They won't notice I'm crazy. So long as I'll follow the normality pattern I will be one of them. I will be just like everyone else. I will just be Eve. So every day I'm painting the sky with silver lining. Trying to convince myself, everything is ok. Everything is just fine. This life I'm chasing, all these dreams and hopes hidden deep in my heart, it's not for girls like me. But don't worry Eve, look, everything is alright. Silver lining. Keep painting your sky. So before I leave my house I make my hair. Put on some nice, decent clothes. Make up. Earrings. Then I close my eyes for very short while. I close my eyes to find it. One of my best smiles. Then I put it on my face. And hide behind it. Hoping they won't see. They won't see who I really am. I don't want them to see. Dying inside is a painful process. But I wanna do it with my pride and a smile on my face. And when my secret shelter is gone and tears come falling, I sit in my closet drinking red wine that burns my mouth. Wishing it would burn more than the tears.

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