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healing happened (?)

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 28 July 2013 · 92 views

Are you here? Hello? Can we talk?

Yes, I think we need to talk.

Ok great. What the fuck happened today?

Your healing happened.

Oh so you call it healing? I have never experienced such powerful detailed flashbacks. WTF? You let them rape me again, beat me, hurt me, torture me. All of them. You made me go through a pure horror. Is this your understanding of healing?!

Yes we made you go through your scariest memories. But we did it when you were in a safe place. You weren't alone. You were safe. If we had let you go throught this here, while you're alone, surrounded by dark spirits, you would have cut yourself and bleed to death.

Please stop hurting me. Please. Help me. I can't take anymore pain.

Eve the intensity of what happened, well it wasn't us. It was you. For the first time you really dived into it. You stopped denying it. You stopped blocking it. You opened up to your pain. You accepted it. The light can show you the way, but it's you who must walk this path. It is your life. What is happening is the beginning of your healing. It will happen again, You will have to go experience it over and over again. You will have to feel it again and see it again. It's not over yet. This is the beginning. And the point is, to take the power away from your memories. In time, you will hear her voice instead of their screams and laughter. In time, her hugs will become more powerful than their fists, tools and drugs. One day her touch will have more healing power than your tears. One day. Today, why didn't you get up and run? Why did you stay on the couch. Why did you cry in her arms? Because you've changed. She's changed. Your life is changing. Sometimes healing hurts. Some changes are not possible without pain.
You're hearing them again, aren't you? The voices? Whispering? What are they saying?

Nothing. I can't hear them. Dark spirits are louder. Angry again. Aggressive.

I know, they were waiting till you get out of the car. I saw it. But you're not cutting. You're holding the knife. Why aren't you cutting? The butterfly is gone.

I know. But it was here. Look. See? I know exactly what it looked like. Blue. Smiling.

What are the voices saying?

Stop it. Leave me alone.

They're saying. Suffer to be free. Fight so you can see. Trust so you can live again. Follow the light. It is stronger than pain.
I know what's on your mind. Don't do it. It would be a mistake. It's not the right way. You have found the right way. Remember? There is a difference between knowing the path and walking it. You know the path. Walk it. Take her hand and walk this path.

I will forget again. How much time do I have this time before I forget? The tea. The soup. The blanket? The warmth? Why are you taking this away from me. Look, I don't want much from life ok? All I'm asking for is to have a life. I want to go back to school. I want to remember my friend and family. Remember who I am. Ok, make me go through whatever you want, rape, whatever, anytime you want, I will go through it ok? but please don't take my memory away from me. I'm falling apart again. Please.

Yes. You are falling apart. Fight it.



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