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my shooting star

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, T-Sessions, Uncategorized 11 July 2013 · 121 views

T wanted to talk about last Wednesday. I didn't. We argued. He won. Damn you T. Then he said we definitely need a new strategy. So I had to make a deal with myself. From now on when I feel the urge to cut I talk to someone first. Not necessarily about cutting, about anything, just to get away from my thoughts and the urge. Then I do somethng I like or eat something I like, listen to music, do something that makes me feel good. And if nothing helps I am allowed to cut, but only one cut and not deep, plus I have to explain why I did it and write it down, 1 A4 page....

It's a nice stratgey, only I don't know who to talk to when I need. So yesterday I didn't know who to talk to. Couldn't reach T. Panicked. Then I had this idea. I started talking to my hallucination, the only one I really like and the only one I don't feel like punching or yelling at right now. Maybe because I only talked to her once. I think she's some kind of an extra special bonus kinda hallucination, that only shows up from time to time. Pretty sure she is a very busy hallucination. I mean, probably everyone wants to see her or talk to her so she travels a lot I guess. Anyway I talked to her about some everyday stuff, how lorikeets were eating sugar out of my hand and how I loved it, or that I ate a banana yesterday and then I asked her if she was just a shooting star, a breathtaking spectacular moment of light in the dark heaven of my little world, gone in a flash.
Well the whole conversation happened in my head and it was a monologue, but yesterday I didn't cut. T was proud. So was my body.

T told me about The Butterfly Project: THE BUTTERFLY PROJECT It's a movement to raise awareness to cutting and the harms of it. If you feel like cutting, draw a butterfly on your wrist and name it after a loved one. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. If you cut before it's gone, you've killed it. And if you don't cut you set it free. If you have more than one butterfly and cut, you kill all of them. Another person may draw a butterfly on your wrist - it's an extra special butterlfy. You have to take really good care of it then.

I have one butterfly. It's a she. Named after someone very special and close to my heart. Someone I think I met in Australia a while ago, but I'm only guessing. I don't remember her. But I have this feeling...not sure how to describe it. I think about it very often trying to figure out what this feeling means, who she is and why I miss her, miss her very deeply. Not really sure how to feel about it. Well, anyway, I don't want to kill this butterfly. And I won't. I'm going to do everything I can to set it free.

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