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Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 30 June 2013 · 91 views

This has to stop. Me being like this has to stop. But what if I do it and something goes wrong. Very wrong. Terribly wrong. An open brain surgery? Am I ready to do that? How much risk am I ready to take? Am I ready to risk my life? Am I ready to lose it? Yes, I think I am. The only thing I'm not ready for is to get much worse than I am right now. To let them do more damage to my brain. I know living a life like this isn't fun. I know I'm not getting better, I do know that, and no one knows when my brain just shuts down or when I hurt myself so much that it will be too late to do something about it anyway.

So, standing at the crossroads again. Making a decision. A decision about the quality of my life. About who or what I will become. About who and what I might lose. It weighs so heavy on my heart. But I look at the thin cracked skin on my hands. I look at my tired face and grey hair falling out. I look at my body changed so much by the drugs, the abuse and self injury. I see myself trying and failing. I see myself losing my everyday battles. I see myself wrestling alone in the dark and building my wall so very high. I look at myself asking the "what to do" question over and over again but already knowing the answer. I do know the answer. Don't I?

It's funny how things change over time. How our experiences change our understanding and perception of the world, people and our life. And of ourselves. People do change. People learn their lessons, experience things, go on so many emotional and cognitive journeys every day. It changes us. And so do other people who come into our life, just for a little while or to stay for longer to lift us, to break us, to change our life for the better or worse. We let them in or push them away. They hurt us or heal us. And so we learn again. To love. To trust. To believe. To be loved. To be trusted. To be believed.

It just came to me howm much my perception of what's normal has changed. Things I didn't consider normal two years ago seem so normal to me today and I wish I could go back in time and live this not-normal but in fact so very normal life. I've changed. A lot. For the better? Or worse? And will the decision I'm about to make change me even more? Again, for the better, or worse?

And what if I lose it all? What if I'm not strong enough to go through this? What if I'm not ready to make a decision like this yet? What if I simply don't know what to do?

Or, what if I don't even have a choice? What if the only way is to let them open up my head? Feel like losing control of my own body again and I don't like this feeling. It pulls me back to the source of the pain and all my problems. It frightens me.

So, today I'm looking at the future with great hesitation

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.
-Nelson Mandela

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