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when I can no longer speak

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 11 June 2013 · 37 views

Spending day and night in bed. This way I will not fuck anything up, break stuff or make a complete idiot of myself. Trying to ease muscular pain with hot water. not working. trying to stop my mind from racing. not working. trying to stop crying. not working. my eyes are so swollen I don't even try to open them anymore. I can barely move, my back is so stiff, every inch of my disgusting body hurts. T says I have to practice, exercise my brain. He says I do not sound stupid when I open my mouth. Bullshit. He keeps calling and forcing me to talk to him, forcing me to speak.

Thought about going to the beach today and listen to the ocean. To look at the big water. To feel the sand under my feet. But I would just get so lost on my way there or back home. Couldn't do my T-homework yesterday, again. Just kept staring at all the words and pictures and didn't know the answers. Even google knows that the animal in tac = cat. I didn't.

Time to make big decisions. Not ready yet though. I'm tired and in pain and depressed. avoid mirrors. avoid touching my own body, it's disgusting. I'll stay in bed for a while longer. How about spending my whole life in bed? It's gonna be a lonely one anyway. Or do you know someone who likes to hang out with a not talking, brain damaged raped several times in every possible way girl? Cause I don't. Even I don't want to hang out with my disgusting stupid self.

"It is silence that most needs an answering -- when I can no longer speak, hear me."
-JEANETTE WINTERSON

12/06/13



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