I don't want to go through this. I don't. is it too much to ask? I read this blog. I read my emails. I learn English. I try to remind myself every single day who I am, what my name is. And I woke up today and didn't remember. I didn't know it. My own name. Then they told me. Like they do with other stuff too. Eat, take a shower, change your clothes, get up, sit down, don't cry.
There was a time I thought I was so very low. And all I wanted was to close my eyes and never ever wake up again. I think now it's a much better time for having suicidal thoughts. Not because I feel so depressed, it's the facts. What am I fighting for now. I don't want to live like this. I mean come on. Look at me. Or better not. i don't look pretty today. And I don't even remember what I look like.
And my blog. Looks like there is someone I told my story or maybe even all of them.
"It has taken me 14 years to find her. I had to travel the whole world from the Northern to the Southern Hemisphere to find my person." Who is she? And why have I told her? God. It's so embarsssing. Has she read all this? Jesus. She knows so much. What was I thinking? If she knows my last two stories? I'm gonna throw up.
Staring at the ceiling. Same old empty feeling in my heart. The new empty feeling in my head. But this time it's not going to go away. It's going to stay forever. I am going to be like this forever. I wish I could lean my weary head and heart on someone's shoulder. I wish someone knew me. I wish someone knew who I really was. I wish someoene could hear me now and hold my hand. Just for a little while, not a long while, veryone has a life to live, but a tiny while. I wish. I dream. Dreams come slow but they go so fast. And when the lights go out, it comes haunt you. Your past. Your future. Can't decide what scares me more.
We are born with millions of little lights shining in the dark.
And they show us the way. One lights up, every time we feel joy in our hearts. One dies every time when we get hurt. My last little light died a few weeks ago.