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Some new creepy stuff

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 28 May 2013 · 69 views

Doing a lot of thinking and anylyzing in the last time. As I have troubles with remembering things and there are important things in my everyday life I must know and remember I decided to read all my millions of emails everyday to remember stuff. So I wake up at 5am see a big poster on my wall telling me all the DOs and DONT's. Then I get up and DO stuff and DO NOT other stuff and go through emails and texts and blog. This is the so called "zombie phase" of the day. My life, also called "the post-zombie retard phase" usually starts after 3pm when I'm done with the emails and frustration and pain and tears. Every day I'm reliving some really painful stuff over and over again, asking myself why I keep doing it to myself. And then I remember! I'm doing it to...remember! what a bullshit

Here's some new creepy stuff I'm anylyzing today.

"Eve has been e-mailed and called all the time and told stuff to keep her away from other people and from getting help and talking about what happened. She was being psychologically isolated."

Yep. True. I went through all his emails and texts. He was saying pretty much the same stuff over and over again. That he loves me, is there for me, is my true friend, I can trust him, I don't need help, he will always help me, he will always be there, I should leave with him and live with him, have a family, I don't need other friens and other people. I should stop contacting other people. Especially K. as she was exhausted and tired and needed a break. All I need is him. Oh and I should never say anything to anyone about the abuse. He was very clear about it. I should never mention it to anyone.

I told him I never said anyone about the rape, noone knows. But he didn't believe me, made me write an email to a friend of mine asking not to tell anyone and keep what she knows to herself. I sent it. It hurt her. She left. I got mad. Pushed him away, told him to go and f*ck himself and leave me alone. I forgot the next day. Double dose. He kept writing saying how sorry he was. This time It was only him talking. No other person. I listened. Believed. He said he was enough. Then I got a call. I missed 3 reservations. If I wanted another one, last chance. I said yes. I felt it's important. It was. It is. It will be. The sessions began. I cut him off. But he made me miss him. He hurt me so badly and I miss him. Or do I just miss someone being there for me, someone checking on me, someone talking to me even if I never really responded to his messages. I never ansewred his calls, it's all "unanswered call from....". Do I miss him because I didn't feel so alone, because someone cared about me, saying he will always be there. but i remember there was another person too, saying i will be there regardless. Can't figure out who that was and where this person is now. I feel like I miss this person too.

I never really answered his emails or texts either. All I sent was: "ok" "glad you're there" "Thank you for being there", "I miss you too", "I will come and visit one day for sure", "My day is ok", "I fell ok", "School was alright but I forget many things" "I'msad and frutrated", Never telling him what I was doing, who I was contacting, what I was saying to whom. And when I found the note I worte myself the other day saying: "Do not listen to him. He is fooling you. I'm serious. Eve you worte this note yesterday in the evening while you remembered. K. said he raped you. Believe her. Do not listen to him". I knew I have to be careful. And I remember fighting agains it. That's why I never sent him longer emails. The fucker underestimated my brain. I had someone else telling me he is a bad person, telling me different stuff and somehow I felt like I must trust this other person more than him. I wish I could remember who that person was or maybe still is but is not in my life anymore for some reason. The worst thing in not remembering is that I am afraid I hurt someone and do not even know/remember it. All my life I was trying to be a good person and not hurt anyone. I know how horrible it is to be hurt by other people and never wanted anyone to be hurt by myself.

Ok. Time to find another sutff to analyze.



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