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I'm scared

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 27 May 2013 · 32 views

T: mute again?
Me: I'm scared.
T: Remember when you asked me to be honest with you no matter what?
Me: yep
T: Ok, Eve you should be scared. It's scary and it's gonna be very hard. I know you're strong. You're tough. But you will hit your limits. And you will have to go beyond them. Far far beyond them. Remember when you said that you have learned that we can keep going long after we can't? You will have to remember that. Write it down so that you can read it when you need motivation and support. Write down what you want to fight for. What is worth fighting for?
Me: Nothing. I lost everything. My job. Australia. Sport. I can't even go for a run you know, I would drop dead after 50m. I don't know.
T: Ok, not what but WHO? You want to survive this because there is someone who means a lot to you. Who?
Me: My mother. My nephews.
T: Good! write it down. Who else?
Me: K.
T: Who is K.?
Me: I don't know. I don't remember.
T: do we want to call her and ask?
Me: No. See this note? And this one and this, and this huge one? And all the other ones? I am not allowed to contact her. I don't know why, but I must have screwed up something really good. I deleted her number so thtat I can't text her. But I think I sent an email yesterday fuck me. Jesus. I can't even stay away from people who do not want to have anything to do with me. But no, I have to send emails. Jesus Christ. I'm a retard.
T: Eve, It's ok, I'm sure she understands, and you will remember again soon. Don't worry. Write her name down too though. We will put this list on the wall and you can look at it everytime you feel bad or lonely ok? It will be your motivational list. You can do it. Hey, look at me. Eve, look at me, please. Eve... I would offer you a tissue but it can be difficult via Skype...
Me: I lost everything and everyone. I even lost myself.
T: Eve please, look at me. That's better. I would like to see it in your eyes again, not these tears, but this strength. This determination I saw last time. Do not give up at the beginning. Eve look at me. We're all fighters, your own words.
Me: I can't do this motivational stuff anymore. I've been doing it for the last 14 years, quotes, phrases, poems, songs, i can't do it anymore, I don't believe in it, don't have the energy to fight, I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I can't do it. How much pain, frustration, despair, humiliation, shame, guilt, can one person take? Because I can't take it anymore. I can't. I always tried to be like Schwarzenegger, you know when no one believed in him, said he will never achieve any of his dreams he said: Arnold, there is your goal, and whatever it takes to get ther, I will do that and I will never take no for an answer, I will never take my eyes off my goal. so that's what I was doing all the time. Fighting. My goal was a normal life. And I was fghting for it all these years. I can't do it anymore. I feel exhausted. Hurt. Alone. Betrayed. Overwhelmed. Tired.
T: And still you can keep going long after you can't. "It's the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance"
Me: "It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you." Million Dollar Baby Yeah, what dream?
T: The dream of being a strong amd healthy woman again
Me: what for?
T: I need you to have some support between the sessions and during the detox. Can you do that for me?
Me: I'll try. You can't hug me or hold my hand for support, can you?
T: Please do. No, I can't, I'm sorry.

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