I wish I hadn't left you feeling so alone
T: Good evening Australia! It's 7pm, how is your memory?
T: .......... you're very quiet today
Me: I'm always quiet
T: not like today you're not. Anylyzing stuff?
Me: yep. just thinking a lot.
T: what's the dominant thought
Me: He should have let me die. Why didn't he let me die? I don't understand.
T: He saved your life
Me: To make it miserable?
T: Maybe it was a lesson?
Me: of course it was a lesson, everything that happens in life is a lesson. When I shower too long and miss my train it's a lesson. When I wake up too late and have no time to drink my coffee, it's a lesson. But this??? What kind of a lesson is this?
T: You'll find out one day I'm sure.
Me....Oh my God. I know. I know...look, he made a decision for me right. He decided for me about my life. Just like I decided for someone a few months ago to change her life. I let her read stuff and it was way too much for her to carry. And she respected the confodentiality, she protected my secret all these weeks, months. I decided for her to change her life. To make it miserable. And the worst thing is I never saw how hard it was for her. She never told me. I never asked. We never talked about it. She read my story and we never really talked about it, we wrote a few e-mails that just led to misunderstandings. We kept getting angry at each other for no reason instead of sit down and talk, tell each other how we feel, what we think.
T: Why didn't you talk about it?
Me: I don't know. I never thought she really cared, I didn't know she was worrying about me. I had no idea how hard it was for her to live with it. All I heard was get help, see a counsellor and I felt pushed away, felt being a problem she wanted to get rid of, I thought she just doesn't undersatnd. She never told me about how she was feeling about it and how horribly hard it was for her to live with the knowledge I passed on to her. If I knew, my God I would have done something to change it, to stop it. I remember her saying that I told her about the abuse because I knew we're not close so it would be easier to tell her cause I can't hurt her with it.
T: And was it the case?
Me: NO, God no! never! You think I'm some kind of a monster or something?! All I wanted was a better back treatment. I always ran away from my therapists and wanted stop running and get my back fixed, get one thing in mylife fixed and she said We will fix it, so i thought to myself i will get my back fixed this time. And then I started freaking out, react strange to touch and that's where my therapies usually ended. But I din't want to give up this time. So I made this decision. I decided for her... Jesus. She texted me a while ago saying "I wish I hadn't left you feel so alone". and you know what, I wish i hadn't left her feel so alone. It was me who let her alone with this shit!! I would have done anything to make her feel better, to free her from this if I only knew. I don't give a damn about my own life but I do give a damn about the people i care about. I can't believe I was so blind, that i didn't read between the lines.
T: Do you want to tell her about it?
Me: I can't. She won't listen. I screwed it up good.
T: give her time. I'm sure she will listen when she's ready. She wanted you to get help. Does she know you're getting help now?
Me: Hmmm I think so, pretty sure I told her about it when I met her the other day. I remember that she got angry, and I got scared, she was talking so fast and saying so many things I didn't remember and didn't understand, I tried to follow her thought process but I got lost in the middle, so I just kept saying things I remembered, kinda repeating stuff I had in my head. But yeah I had my notes in my pocket so I must have told her about it. Hmmm not sure. I screwed it up.
T: Why didn't you tell her how you feel.
Me: Doc I'm just a fucked up girl with memory issues. She's the smart one. She is a great therapist, we were standing there in her clinic, I figured she must be right, she knows what she's talking about. I felt so small. She was so angry. I was so scared. Didn't know how to handle the situation.
T: You know what Ronald Reagan once said?
"I've always believed that a lot of the trouble in the world would disappear if we were talking to each other instead of about each other"
Me: Well too late for that I guess.
T: It's never too late.