I need to go back to school. Can't keep skipping my classes. Don't feel like leaving my bed today. I'll just keep staring at the ceiling, listening to music or something. i was thinking about cutting. Cut myself by accident yesterday and for a moment I stopped thinking about my past. It was just this pain in my finger. So I thought to myself what if I'd cut another finger. But I dropped this thought quickly, yet I can't stop thinking about it. Running used to help but now I can't even go for a run, I'm to weak. And my back hurts and my legs too.
I was thinking about friends today. All these years I've tried so hard to forget how important my friends have been to me. Even if my best friend raped me twice and my other friends didn't even bother to ask why I wasn't leaving my apartment for weeks, for months, no one called, no one showed up. And I couldn't even move. I never wanted to have a friend again. I never wanted to get hugged again. Yet I think about how I would do anything to have a friend again and to get a hug. I think about how I'd do anything for not being alone right now.