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Posted by EVH , 22 March 2013 · 52 views

12 weeks. 4hrs 23 min of sleep incl. nightmares and waking up all wet and scared to death. Ate a banana and a few cornflakes to have something to throw up when the flashbacks hit. Nose bleeds got worse. And the funny thing is, flashbacks cause nose bleeds and my bleeding nose triggers flashbacks. How fucked up is that??!! My hair is fallin out. Feel tired and sick.
I need to go back to school. Can't keep skipping my classes. Don't feel like leaving my bed today. I'll just keep staring at the ceiling, listening to music or something. i was thinking about cutting. Cut myself by accident yesterday and for a moment I stopped thinking about my past. It was just this pain in my finger. So I thought to myself what if I'd cut another finger. But I dropped this thought quickly, yet I can't stop thinking about it. Running used to help but now I can't even go for a run, I'm to weak. And my back hurts and my legs too.

I was thinking about friends today. All these years I've tried so hard to forget how important my friends have been to me. Even if my best friend raped me twice and my other friends didn't even bother to ask why I wasn't leaving my apartment for weeks, for months, no one called, no one showed up. And I couldn't even move. I never wanted to have a friend again. I never wanted to get hugged again. Yet I think about how I would do anything to have a friend again and to get a hug. I think about how I'd do anything for not being alone right now.

Silent screams.

Screaming silently with you. Sending warm hugs (((EVH))) I know it is not the same as in RL. I just hear your pain and want to relieve it in some way. Take good care of you.

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