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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
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*TW**TW**TW**TW**TW**TW**TW*
11 weeks without sleep. Keep on getting nose bleeds. I thought I remembered everything. But there is more. So much more.
It looks like a big part of my disturbing memories has been pushed out of my conscious mind. And now it’s all coming back to me. Every day new flashbacks hit me so hard that I need to sit down or stop whatever I’m doing when it happens and I can’t stop myself from throwing up.
I’ve always had this memory of him cutting me, but now I remember exactly how he cut me, where he cut and how he was sewing me back together. I was drugged and couldn’t move. “Let’s see how you look like on the inside hun. How about a little appendectomy? Bleed bitch bleed!” I see him twisting my fingers, breaking them slowly, saying "I loved you, you love me now bitch?" Medicine student. The best of his year. Got a Harvard scholarship. And the funny thing is I loved him. But waited for the right time to tell him. I loved him so much.
Then there is this other memory when I was 15. I remember one of them saying: “I’ll only say it once so listen carefully cunt. Call me your daddy you hear me? Call me your daddy. I’m your daddy today. I’m your everything today, I’m your god. I’ll fuck you till you’re brain dead you stupid cunt. You’re crying? Let me give you a reason to cry bitch.” I’m having so strong body memories now that it’s killing me. I’m reliving every second of it not only mentally but physically! I can feel the pain. Jeez I’m going insane aren’t I? :(/>/> I can see them kicking me, beating me up. And I can feel it. I curl up into a ball and try to block it all out. But my whole body hurts. I'm scared.
I start remembering the details of what happened in the woods. It freaks me out. Little bits and pieces keep coming back to me every day. I was tied to a chair. I remember that I wanted to blackout. I felt no pain. My body was totally numb. Now I remember how scared I was. I remember asking myself why. I remember telling myself that’s it ok to let go. It’s ok to stop being strong. It’s alright to give up. It’s alright to close my eyes and never open them again. It’s ok to stop breathing and fighting. I was so tired. And I remember my body covered with blood. My face, my arms, hands, legs...it was everywhere. Now I'm constantly looking at my hands expecting to see it again.
Someone said to me “Survivor is someone who survived”. To survive means to stay alive or in existence. So yes. I didn’t die. I’m still here. I’m physically ok. I survived physically. Yes I was thinking to myself “I won’t let you kill me” But they did. They killed me. I’m dead inside. When I look back on what they did to me, when the flashbacks hit me and I see it all again I’m asking myself what’s the point of being alive anyway. I don’t want to go through all this again. I can’t take the pain again. It’s disgusting. It’s wrong. It’s sick. Things like this only happen in movies and when they happen you look away coz it’s just too much to watch.
What am I doing here? I’m drowning. Falling. I don’t recognize myself. It’s not me. I wrestle alone in the dark.
I wish I had a crystal ball to show me, if it's worth it all.
I said too much. I shared too much. Now I'm feeling too much. And don't know how to make it stop :(/>/> I'm losing it. I'm losing it completely.
11 weeks without sleep. Keep on getting nose bleeds. I thought I remembered everything. But there is more. So much more.
It looks like a big part of my disturbing memories has been pushed out of my conscious mind. And now it’s all coming back to me. Every day new flashbacks hit me so hard that I need to sit down or stop whatever I’m doing when it happens and I can’t stop myself from throwing up.
I’ve always had this memory of him cutting me, but now I remember exactly how he cut me, where he cut and how he was sewing me back together. I was drugged and couldn’t move. “Let’s see how you look like on the inside hun. How about a little appendectomy? Bleed bitch bleed!” I see him twisting my fingers, breaking them slowly, saying "I loved you, you love me now bitch?" Medicine student. The best of his year. Got a Harvard scholarship. And the funny thing is I loved him. But waited for the right time to tell him. I loved him so much.
Then there is this other memory when I was 15. I remember one of them saying: “I’ll only say it once so listen carefully cunt. Call me your daddy you hear me? Call me your daddy. I’m your daddy today. I’m your everything today, I’m your god. I’ll fuck you till you’re brain dead you stupid cunt. You’re crying? Let me give you a reason to cry bitch.” I’m having so strong body memories now that it’s killing me. I’m reliving every second of it not only mentally but physically! I can feel the pain. Jeez I’m going insane aren’t I? :(/>/> I can see them kicking me, beating me up. And I can feel it. I curl up into a ball and try to block it all out. But my whole body hurts. I'm scared.
I start remembering the details of what happened in the woods. It freaks me out. Little bits and pieces keep coming back to me every day. I was tied to a chair. I remember that I wanted to blackout. I felt no pain. My body was totally numb. Now I remember how scared I was. I remember asking myself why. I remember telling myself that’s it ok to let go. It’s ok to stop being strong. It’s alright to give up. It’s alright to close my eyes and never open them again. It’s ok to stop breathing and fighting. I was so tired. And I remember my body covered with blood. My face, my arms, hands, legs...it was everywhere. Now I'm constantly looking at my hands expecting to see it again.
Someone said to me “Survivor is someone who survived”. To survive means to stay alive or in existence. So yes. I didn’t die. I’m still here. I’m physically ok. I survived physically. Yes I was thinking to myself “I won’t let you kill me” But they did. They killed me. I’m dead inside. When I look back on what they did to me, when the flashbacks hit me and I see it all again I’m asking myself what’s the point of being alive anyway. I don’t want to go through all this again. I can’t take the pain again. It’s disgusting. It’s wrong. It’s sick. Things like this only happen in movies and when they happen you look away coz it’s just too much to watch.
What am I doing here? I’m drowning. Falling. I don’t recognize myself. It’s not me. I wrestle alone in the dark.
I wish I had a crystal ball to show me, if it's worth it all.
I said too much. I shared too much. Now I'm feeling too much. And don't know how to make it stop :(/>/> I'm losing it. I'm losing it completely.
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