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This fighting is so consuming. It steals days and nights from me. Alright, today I admit it to myself. It hurts. I admit I can't handle it today. I admit I'm frustrated. Again. There we go again. Hi mr. doctor, I'm having lower back pain. Could you please help me? MRI? yup done, nothing. CT, x-ray done. nothing. Physio check. Massage check. MST check. Drugs, taping, strapping, back brace, back pillow, exercises, pilates, yoga, gym, chiro, rehab clinic 2 weeks, hot pack, hot showers, cryochamber, lying on my back with elevated legs, lying on my side with a pillow between my knees...and some other stuff, lots of other stuff. What? It's all just in my head. Oh, gee thanks Einstein. That must be it then.
It's me who always says fuck the pain.
It's me who always says I'm stronger than that.
I always say It's just pain and it demands to be felt. So fight it.
Today It's me who says enough. I'm done.
No more fighting. No more research. No more searching for answers.
I don't want to understand it anymore. Whatever it is, wherever it comes from. I don't care anymore. It's time to say fuck it.
I'll just get on drugs again. Candy bar creep show. It's so not me. Well that's what pain does. It changes people. It changes who we are.
Right now there is a different kind of pain I have to deal with...
Dig up her bones but leave her soul alone
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