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Today is gonna be a nice day. It's Tuesday 05/03/13. The sun is rising. I like drinking coffee and looking at palm trees at 5 am. It calms me down. Today I miscarried.
I always wanted to be really good at something. Well it looks like I became an expert at losing my unborn babies. Or is ďkillingĒ a more suitable word? I had an abortion when I was 15. Now I know better. Now I know that I've made a huge mistake. An unforgivable mistake. Our lives are all about making choices. And even if they may not be, in terms of long term the best choices for us theyíre about what we want or need in the very moment. And we get to make the decisions of whatís best for us. So we decide. I decided. And I made a wrong decision. I killed my baby. It was my call. 6 years later my rapists got me pregnant. And again, I killed the baby. Instead of going to the hospital immediately after being raped I waited 3 days sitting in the darkness of my bathroom unable to get up off the floor. I got a nasty infection that lasted for months. The only way to fight it was to get on much more aggressive meds, having a total hysterectomy or waiting and letting the infection spread to the blood and becoming septic. I had to choose. He or she would be 3 years old now. The doctors said I canít have kids. There is too much damage. I can get pregnant, but I wonít hold it.
Last year i didn't even notice I was pregnant. I was far too busy fighting my back pain. I was eating pain killers like candies. I was so blinded by pain... ignorant bitch. I found out that I was pregnant when I miscarried. Have I killed my child?
Last week I found out that I was pregnant. I miscarried. Today.
Broken dreams and silent screams
After taking the abortion pill and having vacuum aspiration I promised myself that one day Iím gonna be the best mum ever. Today I know I wonít. Maybe itís better this way. Not everyone is meant to be a parent right? Look at me, Iím not a good mother material anyway. So all good. Iím good. Iím fantastic. Nothing happened. They say life goes on. They say youíre young. They say you can still try. There are options- they say. But I donít want to try. This whole getting pregnant and miscarrying, trying and failing, falling and getting up is so tiresome. I can handle a lot of pain but I feel so exhausted. Iím looking back at my past and Iím wondering how much pain one soul can bear.
Man made madness
Today my highs hit a new low. Today I try to find a way to escape the day. Today Iím losing my breath. Today Iíll take some pills to ease the pain. Iíll numb my mind. Iíll calm my heart. Today.
Tuesday the 03/05/13 is not gonna be a nice day.
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