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Life slips away and the ghosts come to play
Today is gonna be a nice day. It's Tuesday 05/03/13. The sun is rising. I like drinking coffee and looking at palm trees at 5 am. It calms me down. Today I miscarried.
I always wanted to be really good at something. Well it looks like I became an expert at losing my unborn babies. Or is “killing” a more suitable word? I had an abortion when I was 15. Now I know better. Now I know that I've made a huge mistake. An unforgivable mistake. Our lives are all about making choices. And even if they may not be, in terms of long term the best choices for us they’re about what we want or need in the very moment. And we get to make the decisions of what’s best for us. So we decide. I decided. And I made a wrong decision. I killed my baby. It was my call. 6 years later my rapists got me pregnant. And again, I killed the baby. Instead of going to the hospital immediately after being raped I waited 3 days sitting in the darkness of my bathroom unable to get up off the floor. I got a nasty infection that lasted for months. The only way to fight it was to get on much more aggressive meds, having a total hysterectomy or waiting and letting the infection spread to the blood and becoming septic. I had to choose. He or she would be 3 years old now. The doctors said I can’t have kids. There is too much damage. I can get pregnant, but I won’t hold it.
Last year i didn't even notice I was pregnant. I was far too busy fighting my back pain. I was eating pain killers like candies. I was so blinded by pain... ignorant bitch. I found out that I was pregnant when I miscarried. Have I killed my child?
Last week I found out that I was pregnant. I miscarried. Today.
Broken dreams and silent screams
After taking the abortion pill and having vacuum aspiration I promised myself that one day I’m gonna be the best mum ever. Today I know I won’t. Maybe it’s better this way. Not everyone is meant to be a parent right? Look at me, I’m not a good mother material anyway. So all good. I’m good. I’m fantastic. Nothing happened. They say life goes on. They say you’re young. They say you can still try. There are options- they say. But I don’t want to try. This whole getting pregnant and miscarrying, trying and failing, falling and getting up is so tiresome. I can handle a lot of pain but I feel so exhausted. I’m looking back at my past and I’m wondering how much pain one soul can bear.
Man made madness
Today my highs hit a new low. Today I try to find a way to escape the day. Today I’m losing my breath. Today I’ll take some pills to ease the pain. I’ll numb my mind. I’ll calm my heart. Today.
Tuesday the 03/05/13 is not gonna be a nice day.
Today is gonna be a nice day. It's Tuesday 05/03/13. The sun is rising. I like drinking coffee and looking at palm trees at 5 am. It calms me down. Today I miscarried.
I always wanted to be really good at something. Well it looks like I became an expert at losing my unborn babies. Or is “killing” a more suitable word? I had an abortion when I was 15. Now I know better. Now I know that I've made a huge mistake. An unforgivable mistake. Our lives are all about making choices. And even if they may not be, in terms of long term the best choices for us they’re about what we want or need in the very moment. And we get to make the decisions of what’s best for us. So we decide. I decided. And I made a wrong decision. I killed my baby. It was my call. 6 years later my rapists got me pregnant. And again, I killed the baby. Instead of going to the hospital immediately after being raped I waited 3 days sitting in the darkness of my bathroom unable to get up off the floor. I got a nasty infection that lasted for months. The only way to fight it was to get on much more aggressive meds, having a total hysterectomy or waiting and letting the infection spread to the blood and becoming septic. I had to choose. He or she would be 3 years old now. The doctors said I can’t have kids. There is too much damage. I can get pregnant, but I won’t hold it.
Last year i didn't even notice I was pregnant. I was far too busy fighting my back pain. I was eating pain killers like candies. I was so blinded by pain... ignorant bitch. I found out that I was pregnant when I miscarried. Have I killed my child?
Last week I found out that I was pregnant. I miscarried. Today.
Broken dreams and silent screams
After taking the abortion pill and having vacuum aspiration I promised myself that one day I’m gonna be the best mum ever. Today I know I won’t. Maybe it’s better this way. Not everyone is meant to be a parent right? Look at me, I’m not a good mother material anyway. So all good. I’m good. I’m fantastic. Nothing happened. They say life goes on. They say you’re young. They say you can still try. There are options- they say. But I don’t want to try. This whole getting pregnant and miscarrying, trying and failing, falling and getting up is so tiresome. I can handle a lot of pain but I feel so exhausted. I’m looking back at my past and I’m wondering how much pain one soul can bear.
Man made madness
Today my highs hit a new low. Today I try to find a way to escape the day. Today I’m losing my breath. Today I’ll take some pills to ease the pain. I’ll numb my mind. I’ll calm my heart. Today.
Tuesday the 03/05/13 is not gonna be a nice day.
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