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Posted by EVH , 27 March 2013 · 50 views

Today I can't even think clearly. Can barely stand up straight. Physically I feel like I'm close to a breakdown. It's been 12 weeks and 5 days and only 5hrs of sleep. I'm a wreck. I'm a mess. Cut my hand today. Thought it would help me forget. Help me get back to my false truth, to my life before the disclosure. It didn't. So I cut...



Posted by EVH , 25 March 2013 · 36 views

Not sure what to write today. Besides that I have never felt that depressed before. Ever.

Listening to Brian Crain and thinking how much I miss playing piano and how much I loved it when I was a kid. How much I loved it before they hurt me.

There was a piano in his office. I remember him sitting there "time to play my little bitch". I remember t...


Per aspera ad astra

Posted by EVH , 23 March 2013 · 43 views

running out of vodka. want my secrets back. all of them. now. being sober sucks.

I believed that I could change myself,that the past could be undone, but I carry on my back the burdens time always reveals. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal it's the bitter taste of losing everything I've held so dear.

Can't stop...



Posted by EVH , 22 March 2013 · 39 views

12 weeks. 4hrs 23 min of sleep incl. nightmares and waking up all wet and scared to death. Ate a banana and a few cornflakes to have something to throw up when the flashbacks hit. Nose bleeds got worse. And the funny thing is, flashbacks cause nose bleeds and my bleeding nose triggers flashbacks. How fucked up is that??!! My hair is fallin out. Fe...


It's all coming back to me :(

Posted by EVH , 18 March 2013 · 41 views


11 weeks without sleep. Keep on getting nose bleeds. I thought I remembered everything. But there is more. So much more.

It looks like a big part of my disturbing memories has been pushed out of my conscious mind. And now itís all coming back to me. Every day new flashbacks hit me so hard that I need to sit down or stop what...


Mirror Mirror on the wall

Posted by EVH , 16 March 2013 · 32 views

Feeling so alone right now, it's suffocating me. The air's got so thick I find it hard to breathe. And never before have I felt so desperately in need.I know that I must start listening to the voice inside of me. Find the strength, to keep on walking.

I've gotta stop my mind working overtime. It's driving me insane. It will not let me liv...


A shoulder to lean on

Posted by EVH , 16 March 2013 · 31 views

10 weeks without sleep. I'm so very tired. And sad. I think I'm sad. I think I'd like to put my head on someone's shoulder just for a little while. And close my eyes. And forget the flashbacks. Forget the headache. I think I wanna cry. My eyes burn.

But no shoulder to lean on.

I think I'd like someone to be there for me. Someone to...


Once upon a time there was a therapist

Posted by EVH , 10 March 2013 · 45 views


I know they say it helps. Talking about our issues. Pain shared is pain halved. They say there are people out there who know how to help us go through our messed up lives. Certified people who know how to help us fight our very private war that we seem to lose when fighting it alone. Trained people who know how to talk to us about our painful stuff....


Girlie, tough ain't enough

Posted by EVH , 09 March 2013 · 33 views

Frankie Dunn: You forgot the rule. Now, what is the rule?
Maggie Fitzgerald: Keep my left up?
Frankie Dunn: No. It Is to protect yourself at all times. Now, what is the rule?
Maggie Fitzgerald: Protect myself at all times.
Frankie Dunn: Good. Good.

Feel confused today. Think about running away again. Sweden. Sounds nice. I like Sweden. Always wan...



Posted by EVH , 08 March 2013 · 26 views


The truth scares me. Iím scared that as soon as my whole past becomes true Iíll fall apart. I wonít be able to handle this amount of pain. Tears will flood me. Flashbacks will haunt me till I go crazy. My own words....i knew it. Christ. I knew. I always know better when it's too late. Why have I let someone in? I knew exactly wha...


Welcome to the inner workings of my mind

Posted by EVH , 07 March 2013 · 28 views

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
so dark and foul I can't disguise
days like this
I become afraid
of the darkness in my heart

Feel like curling up into a ball and spending the whole day lying in bed and staring at the wall. Well that sounds familiar. Who are you girl?
But there is something else I can do. run. run for my life agai...


Open your heart and tell me what's wrong

Posted by EVH , 07 March 2013 · 19 views

Ok, so now it's out. Now there is someone out there who knows who i am.

14 years of running away. 14 very long years of hiding, pretending to be someone else and trying to become who they wanted me to be.

But now it's out. Now I am who I am.

Maybe it will help. Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep again. Maybe now I'll be able to open...



Posted by EVH , 06 March 2013 · 43 views

Haven't slept in 9 weeks. Too scared to close my eyes. But this time it's my back pain that keeps me awake. Got up to make some coffee. And then the pain hit me. Sharp like a razor blade going through my hips and sacrum. For the first time ever pain knocked me down. I fell. A totally uncontrolled reaction.

Is this how my life is going to look lik...


It's time

Posted by EVH , 06 March 2013 · 26 views

Sitting in bio class and trying to concentrate on her voice. Trying to learn something. Trying to ignore the stabbing knife-like pain coming from my back and going down my legs. Can't sit, can't walk, feel nauseous. I don't know how to stop it. I don't know what I'm doing here. Fuck. Ok, looks like even I have my limits. And I've r...


Kissing death and losing my breath

Posted by EVH , 04 March 2013 · 27 views

Life slips away and the ghosts come to play

Today is gonna be a nice day. It's Tuesday 05/03/13. The sun is rising. I like drinking coffee and looking at palm trees at 5 am. It calms me down. Today I miscarried.

I always wanted to be really good at something. Well it looks like I became an expert at losing my unborn babies. Or is ďkillingĒ a more s...


Shh shh sweetie, itís all going to be ok...

Posted by EVH , 01 March 2013 · 55 views

There was a time when I was volunteering as a translator/interpreter for the German police. I wanted to help people who came to Germany without knowing German and for whatever reasons landed at the police station in the city I lived. I got exactly how they felt. When I came to Germany I was 16 and didnít speak the language either. Itís hard. And itís even...

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