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EVH's Blog


Let me entertain you

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 29 May 2013 · 33 views

If you think your life is boring, come and spend one day with me. Snacks provided. Coffee all you can drink. Let me entertain you.

Today I wanted to pack my bag, But to be able to pack a bag, you need...a bag. Of course I didn't remember where it was. You know the feeling of looking for things like everywhere even in places they wouldn't even fit...


When you give up

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 29 May 2013 · 21 views

Someone said it to me yesterday:

"I will not give up on you. When you give up on yourself, I'll be there to lift you"

Why does it scare me so much?


When you forget

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 28 May 2013 · 27 views

I said it to someone years ago.

Behind every human being there is a great story.
I will read yours to you when you forget.
I know the melody of your heart and will play it to you when you forget.
I know the the song of your soul and I will sing it back to you if you forget.
And if you need I will forget with you.

Dream. Fly. Dream of flying:


Princess Leia

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 28 May 2013 · 33 views

T: 1 pillow check, 2 blankets check, water in plastic bottles check, rice wafers check, no cables, no glass, no books, no sharp edges...check. Phewww princess Leia ready to go?
Me: To the Death Star Darth Vader? I'm gonna puke.
T: Glad you like me so much. Love your positive attitude. Is this a smile I see? Yeeep definitely a smile, good. So like w...


Some new creepy stuff

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 28 May 2013 · 24 views

Doing a lot of thinking and anylyzing in the last time. As I have troubles with remembering things and there are important things in my everyday life I must know and remember I decided to read all my millions of emails everyday to remember stuff. So I wake up at 5am see a big poster on my wall telling me all the DOs and DONT's. Then I get up and DO st...


I miss this very much

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 28 May 2013 · 20 views

A few years ago I got a call in the middle of the night, a girl I knew very well called crying: "My sister just died". We spent 2hrs talking and then I jumped into my car and drove 800km in the middle of the worst winter night that year with a broken hand, to be there for her. Spent a week at her place, offering her a blanket, making tea, making h...


I'm scared

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 27 May 2013 · 28 views

T: mute again?
Me: I'm scared.
T: Remember when you asked me to be honest with you no matter what?
Me: yep
T: Ok, Eve you should be scared. It's scary and it's gonna be very hard. I know you're strong. You're tough. But you will hit your limits. And you will have to go beyond them. Far far beyond them. Remember when you said that...


Hi I'm Eve...

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 27 May 2013 · 16 views

Hi I'm Eve and I'm an addict.

Jesus...how have I got here?!

Watched some videos and I'm not so cocky anymore...to be honest I'm not even sure I wanna do this. I can't do it. I will run away. I can't go there and go through the withdrawal. It will kill me. Scopo is called Devil's Breath... How am I supposed to deal with t...



Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 26 May 2013 · 26 views

(T-Session recording/Tranlated from German)

Me: Can we discuss the plan before I come there? I know you know what to do, I'm not your first patient but I know myself and my needs too and want to have said that.
T: Sure, whatever you need.
Me: ok. First of all in my room all I need is a bed with a pillow and two balnkets, my laptop and cell. You t...


Omnia causa fiunt?

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 25 May 2013 · 40 views

I will never get better. He made sure I will not get better. It's too late. The damage is done. It's too late to undo it. These meds destroyed me. Destroyed who I was. This person is not me. I am not this person. I'm not. "Long term symptoms include cognitive, neurological and intelectual impairments". And I was taking them all these d...


You better run

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 25 May 2013 · 32 views

Going to Africa.

You better run motherf*cker. You better run fast.



Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 25 May 2013 · 28 views



I got my answer.I know what drugs.



Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 24 May 2013 · 42 views

(from my T-session recording/25/05/13)

T: How are you today?
T: hmmm I see, you're mute.
T: You ok?
Me: If I was ok we wouldn't be doing this thing here, therapy, whatever.
T: Ok, what happened?
Me: Nothing
T: If I got 1 € for every patient saying this...
Me: I'm not in the mood for your jokes today, sorry


Well what if...

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 24 May 2013 · 34 views

"You'll be fine" "You'll feel better" "You'll remember again"

Well what if I won't...

This fear sneaks into my heart every day.

My memory is getting worse. Need more and more notes. More and more reminders. Forget simple things. My headaches are getting worse. Please make it stop.



I will. Find. The answer.

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 24 May 2013 · 37 views

Something is wrong.I know it is, just feel it. Just don't know what, or don't remember.

Ok, let's see, step by step: drugs. what drugs. drugs that will not let me heal. I'm on wrong/bad drugs. Drugs I shouldn't take. Breathe. Think. Analyze. Control your thoughts. There was something in one email. something about drugs. shit. Like th...


What happened in Sydney

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 24 May 2013 · 35 views

(T-session recording/Translation from German blah blah blah)

T: You know you can stop hiding in the closet now right?

Me: Meh I kinda like it in here

T: Why?

Me: It's small, much smaller then the world, you can see where it begins and where it ends, I need definite things right now. My thoughts are trapped in here and it's easier to analyse th...


Too many questions

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 23 May 2013 · 23 views

There are too many questions that I answer with: I don't know.
I don't know is all I know....
I don't remember is all I remember....

I'm so tired of this. Wake up every morning and nothing has changed. I'm still in the same place.

Today I close my eyes and say a little prayer. Tomorrow everything will change. Tomorrow I begin a new...


2. T-Homework / What have you learned?

Posted by EVH , in T-Sessions, Uncategorized 22 May 2013 · 34 views

I've learned that

- it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it
- the most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said
- knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens
- when a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you
- no one can go back and make...


I just want to scream

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 22 May 2013 · 40 views

Jesus I feel so exhausted, devastated, desperate............

I want to heal I do but I feel like I can't walk this pathway. I'm back where I was. Flasbacks, headaches, nausea, anger, pain, frustration, sitting and staring at the fucking wall. I've been there. It's happenieng again. I stopped living in silence. And? I'm falling even fa...


More and more

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, T-Sessions 22 May 2013 · 32 views

More and more OBEs. More and more different stuff. Unanswered stuff. Overwhelming stuff. Scary stuff. feel like going crazy. "No more running. Stand strong" ; "Don't feel tiny. Feel strong. Fuckers haven't got you yet." ; "keep pushing forward".

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