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EVH's Blog


My war

Posted by EVH , in Healing Journey, Uncategorized 06 September 2013 · 110 views

So, guys this is war. I'm going to war. Yes, she's right, this is something I have to do myself. I have to fight it. It hurts. So much that I can't breathe. But I will fight it.

I came back to school to keep studying what I love. I love MST. But this is it. This is the end of it. All I have is a broken heart and a huge debt. I'll probabl...


Our vanilla sky

Posted by EVH , 05 September 2013 · 214 views

Ok, it's a long one. Feel like if I don't let it out my head and my heart will both explode at the same time. I've already cleaned the house like 100 times this week. I'm trying to distract myself. But I keep stumbling over millions of memories all the time. So here it is. My mega blog entry. My memories. My thoughts. My heart poured out....


the spiritus song

Posted by EVH , 03 September 2013 · 126 views

Just heard the Spiritus song on the radio and bursted into tears.

Tried to call T for an emergency session, but couldn't reach him. I need to talk. So here I am, blogging again. Hoping this pain will go away. But I know it won't. Please Mother Azna give me strength to keep on walking and please ease the pain I'm carrying in my heart. Please s...


changes and hope

Posted by EVH , 02 September 2013 · 98 views

Had an appointment with psychiatrist yesterday to get a second opinion. He made lots of tests. It's not schizophrenia. It's not paranoia. He said that to him I seem to be more normal than many of the "normal" people he knows. Made an appointment with another psychiatrist today though. She is also of the opinion it's not schizophrenia....


what truly matters

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 23 August 2013 · 88 views

Had to wash some towels. Don't ask me how I did it, probably fucked it up like heating the green stuff yesterday in this white, cubical thing fuck it don't remember the name of it. Cubical? Is it cubical? It's white. Definitely. Funny white cubical thing making strange noises. Anyway. Washed the towels, in another white cubical thing, but bigg...


No noise, just peace

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 23 August 2013 · 85 views

I can't do it anymore. i can't.

"Imagine this:

You're all snuggled up. Pillow under your head. Friend by your side. Holoding your hand, stroking your head, gently brushing your hair from your eyes. No noise, just peace, and light. You close your eyes, you see and feel light all around you. You sink into sleep, feeling safe, feeling loved...


dark, darker, depression

Posted by EVH , 20 August 2013 · 74 views

Giving up...


Bathroom floor

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 19 August 2013 · 82 views

Spent the night lying on the bathroom floor, naked. My visions, flashbacks and pain knocked me down. Couldn't move. When I finally managed to get up I took a shower to wash off the red stuff covering my body. And other stuff. Cold water. I didn't care. I just stood there letting the water hit me. Millions of thoughts running through my head. Milli...


The glow is gone

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 19 August 2013 · 73 views

They keep punishing me. My mouth is burning. I can't imagine the candle. The pain is too intense. The glow is gone.
They suck the life out of me.


The voice in my heart

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 19 August 2013 · 62 views

They won't stop hurting me. They won't. Unless they get what they want.
So, maybe they are the voice I hear in my head, but what I hear in my heart is this:

Imagine there is a candle. Lit, on the coffee table in front of us. It's flickering, and the flame is growing. It glows, and the glow surrounds us. It is warm, it is safe. The glow is b...



Posted by EVH , 18 August 2013 · 64 views

Imagine she's sitting next to me on the couch, her arms around me
I feel safe, there is silence.

Imagine the house, the couch, the little dog next to me.

Imagine a cup of tea and some hot ham and vegetable soup. Many hugs.

Imagine she's here, right next to me, holding my hand, shielding me from the dark.

I feel safe, there is silence.
I fe...


Please hold my hand

Posted by EVH , in Uncategorized, Hallucinations 18 August 2013 · 78 views

Can someone please hold my hand through this? please? Please help. They are tearing me apart. Hurting me. I can't stop it.

Please hold me


How to eat a banana

Posted by EVH , 18 August 2013 · 63 views

My head is exploding. Well done tumor (or whatever you are). Just figured that asking someone how to eat a banana or how to drink water from a tap (no, not from a bottle, that's way too complicated for my brain right now) is not embarrassing. Not at all. It's humiliating. I keep wondering how to take my clothes off (it's been 3 days). And how...


I run away

Posted by EVH , 17 August 2013 · 59 views

I run. I run away. I run as fast and as far as I can. And still, life is always one step ahead of me. Laughing in my face. And proving every day how ridiculously meaningless my existence really is. Writing this at 5:59 am. Another sleepless night. My PS meds should help me to get some sleep. But that's the thing about meds. And life. Way to many somet...


silk threads

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 16 August 2013 · 82 views

every breath is hanging by a silk thread
catch it
if you can


purple shirt & white stuff

Posted by EVH , 14 August 2013 · 75 views

Sneaked out to smoke. Found a nice place to sit down and think. He sneaked out with me. We were looking at the stars. He asked me what if I could pick a star for myself, my very own star and start a new life there. What kind of place would my star be? Well, it would be a safe place. A place filled with light. No darkness. A place without pain, abuse, hema...


as soon as

Posted by EVH , 14 August 2013 · 47 views

as soon as I'm out of here and still know where I am and who I am, I'm leaving.
Not sure why I'm still here and why I haven't left yet. Missing home. Don't know where home is. My God, I miss so many people and so many things that I don't remember, but keep in my heart, it's so confusing and frustrating. And painful. I try to be...


staying calm (?)

Posted by EVH , 14 August 2013 · 53 views

hate hospital food. hate hospitals. staying calm. it's all about not freaking out. right?


the soup

Posted by EVH , in Hallucinations, Uncategorized 13 August 2013 · 62 views

Hey Eve


I know you don't remember me

Not really, no, I'm sorry

Ok, let me help you remember

Oh, yeah hi Shape, you look better! much better!

Yes, I got a little stronger

That's great, I'm so glad. I'm happy for you. So you're safe? Someone's taking care of you?

Yes, I'm safe. She's safe too and much s...


One bomb deserves another

Posted by EVH , 11 August 2013 · 50 views

My docs keep dropping bombs on me. Without warning. And I'm still licking my wounds from last Friday. It's all happening way too fast for me. Can we please just slow down a little??

No. We can't.

Only a few weeks to go.

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