Reenacting Trauma with a Different Partner
I was instructing an elective class at the university that I was attending for graduate school. A PhD student, lets call him Mike, signed up for my class in the Fall. He was a nice man with a lot to offer to the class in discussions, etc. He and a group of students started to approach me after classes to chat. I spent time talking with them especially since they were interested in starting a student organization. The organization didn't really catch on so we dropped it. At the end of the semester, I referred Mike to another teacher so he could continue his practice beyond what I could offer. To my surprise, he showed up in my class in Spring. He started sticking around after class to talk with me on a regular basis. Once he asked me if we could plan on coffee after class to discuss a concept. I said sure. The following week I was sick so he told me that I should give him my number so we could reschedule. I did. He waited a while before using it.. but eventually I was getting regular texts from him.
This next statement is beside the issue-- but I want to be as transparent as possible. He and I started talking about experiences with LSD. I told him I had not done that since I was in my early 20s. (I am 33 now). He told me he could get me some. I discussed this with my husband and we decided we wanted to have an experience together. So I went to Mike's house to get the LSD for us. While there, he kissed me. I said, "I'm sorry I think you are great, but I can't.." He stood me up turned me around and pushed me down on the bed and said, "no one has to know." I'm a former surviver of molestation which is another story. However, I believe this is the reason I did not fight him. As he took off my pants, I said, "No! I can't!" He stopped and started to ask me what was wrong with my marriage. I said, "nothing." He pressed. I told him I needed to leave.
I didn't say anything to my husband. I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt responsible. He did not show up to class for a while although he did send me an email that our relationship was inappropriate and that he wanted "nothing to do with it" until I am "divorced" and if he is also single then he would consider it. I was confused and sent and email that we didn't even need to be friends and that was ok.
Then he showed up the last day of class. He waited for everyone in the class to leave the room and approached me. He wanted to "talk about it." I said there is nothing to talk about. He pushed me in the corner of my classroom and kissed me. I was shocked and couldn't speak. He said he was sorry and that I was "just so pretty." He said lets meet next week and talk about this. Still in shock, I agreed. I met with him to tell him no more. I said that I want to be with my family and I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him. He kissed me again-- forcefully. Again, I didn't say anything.
He of course apologized again. Then I told him about a class I was teaching during the summer. Stupidly, I invited him to attend (I cannot believe some of my behavior to this day). He attended once. Then I was under the impression that he was leaving. I was relieved that he would leave for the summer and since I wouldn't be teaching the class in the fall I assumed I would never have to see him again. I just couldn't seem to muster up the nerve to tell him to leave me alone. To some degree, I enjoyed his conversation, but I really didn't want a sexual relationship.
One night I was out with my girlfriends. I saw him out at the bar. My girlfriends left and I stuck around a while to talk with friends. A friend asked for a ride and Mike overheard. He said, "can I get a ride?" I said oh no come on! You are just trying to come on to me!" He said," No I just would need to get a cab if you don't." I complied. I gave him a ride home. I dropped off my friend first, then I took Mike home. He leaned in and kissed me. This time I was so drunk I allowed him. I even walked up the stairs with him to his room. I really didn't want to have sex with him but he had already been so aggressive with me on other occasions I felt worn down. At first I remember saying no making an excuse that I was on my period. He didn't care. It felt awful and just wanted it to end. When it did, I left. I cried the whole way home.
I told my husband what happened. He knows my past history. We went to counseling, he and I confronted Mike and my husband even ended up assaulting him. Now my husband wants a divorce because I feels that I betrayed him and had an affair. I told him that I really didn't want this and I felt violated by this perpetrator. He still doesn't believe me.
My husband turned me in to the University for an inappropriate relationship with a student. Upon investigation, the university decided that I was raped because I told them I did not consent. They want me to now approach the student conduct department to turn in Mike for further investigation. I am afraid because I gave in that they won't see this as rape. I've already been told that I won't lose my job. It was last Spring in May when this occurred so at this point, its my word against his.