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Diary of a Survivor


Making Progress? Or set back?

Posted by blackpersephone , 30 January 2013 · 67 views

I went to the Student Conduct office appointment today and inquired about the process and my rights. They didn't make me make a statement today as I told them I haven't totally made my decision to proceed and healing is my first priority. With my consent, they can approach M and show him my statement. He is allowed to make a statement as well and...


Dad, I Was Raped...

Posted by blackpersephone , in confession, recovery, CSA 27 January 2013 · 47 views


My mother and father came to visit me this weekend. In the midst of my oncoming divorce and since my daughter was with her father this weekend, my parents didn't want me to spend my birthday weekend alone. It was a fine weekend, with dinner downtown, early night cocktails on Saturday and brunch at the bakery on Sunday morning. When I...


A Letter to My Perpetrator

Posted by blackpersephone , 26 January 2013 · 36 views



I want you to know that what you did to me was unacceptable. You spent. Long time grooming me by pretending to be my friend, my brother, even my lover. You acted as if I could trust you and that you would never hurt me. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. You isolated me from my family telling me that they could never know. You...


The Art of Suffering

Posted by blackpersephone , 23 January 2013 · 33 views

In the past few years I finally accepted that I was sexually abused as a young adult by my brother-in-law, was assaulted several times by an acquaintance, and lost the love of my life to divorce. What I've come to realize it that all that suffering was a divine gift. Let me explain. I certainly didn't want to be continuously raped and molested by...


To My Exiting Husband

Posted by blackpersephone , 21 January 2013 · 25 views


You said you don't miss me and your life is better now without me. My heart is still shattered from you walking out the door. I've come to believe you now that your phone calls are sparse and your pictures are happy. There's so little left of you here now. I can no longer smell you. I hardly remember your sweetness and laughter. That wil...


He Just "Can't"

Posted by blackpersephone , 21 January 2013 · 35 views

My husband was really supportive of my childhood trauma... well sort of. He is a counselor but not in trauma per se. He usually counseled kids with behavioral problems. Still, he is the one who told me that it was rape. I still remember the day I told him. We were fighting and he was walking away. I shouted, "Michael made me this way when he had sex...


Reenacting Trauma with a Different Partner

Posted by blackpersephone , 20 January 2013 · 34 views

I've reenacted my trauma with another man. Here is the story.

I was instructing an elective class at the university that I was attending for graduate school. A PhD student, lets call him Mike, signed up for my class in the Fall. He was a nice man with a lot to offer to the class in discussions, etc. He and a group of students started to approach me...


From: Returning "willingly" to your abuser

Posted by blackpersephone , 20 January 2013 · 66 views

My brother-in-law raped me at a concert when we were both on LSD. He was 27 and I was 15. I had no idea what was happening and the next day I was so confused. He told me I could never tell anyone because they would never understand our love. I thought the world of him. I was so different from the rest of my family and felt like he really understood me. It turns out he was just grooming me the whole time. He made me believe that he was the only person who could understand me and that everyone else was foolish.

I would spend weeks in his home in the guest bedroom and at night when my sister went to bed he would get drunk and have sex with me. I still remember feeling paralyzed. But still, I would let him. I would, at times, welcome him. I still struggle with this and wondered for years if I could define this as rape. I remember telling someone once about it without the details, just that it went on for 3 years and she asked me, "can you really call that rape?" I was devastated. All that time of keeping my mouth shut, going through and abortion with his baby, losing my intimacy with my family and later every relationship I would attempt to have and she asked me if it was really rape? Damn right it was! I didn't ask to be violated, alienated and carry guilt for the rest of my life. I didn't ask to be groomed into trust at a pure age of 15 when most young women are going through their first love. I didn't ask for my first sexual encounter to be colored in shame. He is sick. Not me. I am healing. I am learning to forgive myself everyday for feeling like it was my fault or that I was the one who had to lie.

Source: Returning "willingly" to your abuser

January 2013


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