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Baggage *TW*

Posted by loimprevisto , 22 June 2014 · 73 views

I've become aware that my childhood abuse left some really deep marks on me and I'm using this space to try to get a picture of it. Right now that means putting together a history of how anal rape has affected my and what events/behaviors make more sense in the context of the abuse. I had to really struggle to complete this... it took several hours to write and I was dissociating at times.
• We had a rope tied about 30' up on a thick tree branch and hanging down to dangle over a big trampoline. I loved climbing and jumping and playing around out there, but I remember a particular feeling. Sometimes when I was climbing the rope there would be this quivering feeling in my anus and pelvic floor muscles. It's similar to the feeling that other muscles get when they're exhausted and trembling to try to stay stable.
• My memories of the abuse from before 4th grade are hazy. There are chaotic, scary memories of being tied down that I haven't pieced together yet.
• Bowel movements were often extremely painful as a child. I think there was a lot of tearing from the abuse, since there was usually blood when I wiped. There were also marks on my body (especially around my genitals) that I couldn't explain and avoided thinking about.
• I incorporated anal stimulation and penetration into masturbation at a very young age. Ice cubes, pens, fingers, and other things.
• When I was 11 I was abused by a camp counselor. It was not a terrible experience at first, I knew about the sexual activity and enjoyed the attention. One night he got rough and raped me... I dissociated and had horrible flashbacks to what had happened before.
I have been severely triggered by anal stimulation during otherwise consensual sexual activity. ((not ready to write about this yet- will come back to Sharon/Freddie in a later post))
• Clenching my sphincter causes an immediate fight/flight sort of reaction. For me, it's one of my shortcuts out of dissociating- sort of the nuclear option when it comes to grounding techniques.

February 2015

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