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I feel like, if I were to write what happened to me down- to really set it in stone out there on the internet, then, then there's no going back. Then it really did happen to me, not just the me I separate myself from- the abused me- but all of me. It all happened to me.
I changed my name when I turned 10, and although I have suffered since then, the worst things, the terrible terrible things, happened to the me I was before I was me... if that makes sense; therefore- if I were to write, now, in this place, what happened- I can no longer say it happened to her. Those things happened to me. That scares me. To think that THEY have that part of me- a part that should have been saved, a part of me that should have been my choice to give away. That scares me.
This whole thing scares me. If I face it, will I lose who I am now?
Being a new member, I don't get to 'tell my story' yet- but when the time comes that I'm allowed to, will it help? To see it in writing. That makes it so much more permanent. Real. Terrifying.
I changed my name when I turned 10, and although I have suffered since then, the worst things, the terrible terrible things, happened to the me I was before I was me... if that makes sense; therefore- if I were to write, now, in this place, what happened- I can no longer say it happened to her. Those things happened to me. That scares me. To think that THEY have that part of me- a part that should have been saved, a part of me that should have been my choice to give away. That scares me.
This whole thing scares me. If I face it, will I lose who I am now?
Being a new member, I don't get to 'tell my story' yet- but when the time comes that I'm allowed to, will it help? To see it in writing. That makes it so much more permanent. Real. Terrifying.
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BelleStorm likes this
2 Comments On This Entry
Welcome to pandys. I hear your pain. Take it easy here. Take it slowly. Remember you can always delete any posts you make. You just delete the words then type deleted. Then save the changes. People do it all the time. It's safe here. And you are safe. Facing our past is so difficult. But ultimately the past will lose its grip on you. It will get worse before it gets better and it can take a long time. But you can do this. You have already survived to tell the tale. Congratulate yourself for reaching out and for getting this far x
Soo,
14 January 2013 - 09:22 AM
Can understand the perpetual fear to write it down and make it feel real, when you've spent so long finding yourself outside of what happened and keeping it in. I can tell you it does get easier with time, and you have every right to pace yourself, to go as slowly as you need, to not tell your story for years if you need, to only tell pieces or to only tell it for yourself. Your story and what happened to you is yours to feel through what you need to do with it, and taking care of yourself is of the greatest importance. And as Soo said, reaching out like this is accomplishment enough and huge, and glad you can do that for yourself. Caring very much, and hope you can keep yourself safe and take gentle care of yourself
FloweringRose,
14 January 2013 - 12:10 PM
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