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It Happened to ME!

Posted by Wither , 19 February 2014 · 101 views

I realized something big tonite. All these years....I thought and felt like it wasn't really me that experienced these things!!! It sounds really weird, but I can almost remember the very moment I dissociated from myself in a different way. I told myself it wasn't really me!! Now tonite, after talking with other survivors, I sat trying my relaxation exercises, thoughts running, unable to sleep. Then it hit me.

This happened to ME. Not somebody else that I know real well. Lol. To ME.

I feel excited and glad that I seem to have broken through a layer of the ice I have been buried beneath all this time. I feel scared at this new world. I am sad for myself. Not self-pity. I feel sadness for me. I am sad. I am allowed to feel sad, and angry, and confused, and selfish. I am allowed to cry, to weep, for myself. I am allowed to hate. Hate all the people who hurt me. And while I still feel overwhelming shame, I am going to fight against that. I did nothing to deserve all this!

This happened to me. And its going to be ME who survives and thrives.



Wow. I so get this. What an exciting breakthrough for you. Now brace for the "re-entry" pains and tiredness, as you reconnect your body now with your body then.

 

You are re-establishing a continuity of identity for yourself. It's a re-claiming process and it's hard on the body. I'm still going through it. We probably all are.

 

But the more I go through it, the more "present" I am in my everyday life now. 

 

Be gentle with yourself. Take baths if you can.  You are experiencing this breakthrough because your subconscious knows you can handle it - the re-entry, the re-integration, now. Your body and your soul can take it now.

 

It will be hard, but you can handle it. The dissociation has served it's protective purpose, like a cast on a broken limb, Now it is time to take the cast off and own the limb again.

 

The work you have done up to this point was preparation for this, and will also strengthen you for what is ahead, which is a more "present" more "in the moment", more "in the body" life.

 

(I am talking to myself as much as you) Wishing you all the best.

 

macgyver

Thank you!! It is exciting!! I felt so excited last night...and this morning. But I think you're right. My body is tired. I can feel it. Like I have run a marathon. I can feel emotions running through me very quickly. They change very fast. My brain is moving quickly. I will take it easy, try to pamper myself. Thanks for putting a great perspective on this. I didn't think of it in the light you put it, but it totally makes sense. I never felt strong. Then the thought kept coming at me last night,"you are strong". WOW!!! It was as that thought was going through my mind that I connected with myself. This morning is strange and good. I will begin to love myself again I think. I feel it. Thank you again!!! ❤️

I look back at the abuse I suffered in my twenties and cry for that girl/woman and feel protective even.  She could have been my daughter.  Then it hits me , that young woman was me, I cry every time.  I do feel my brain cannot cope with certain aspects of my abuse and so 'blanks' it out or disassociates from it.   I have just been put on a waiting list for counselling so am finally going to get that poor woman (me) some peace. Perhaps my sub conscious is ready to deal with it finally x 

I hope so! It can be so difficult, ya know? The same thing would happen to me. I would look back, feel protective, but soon I would find myself reeling back from the memory and the thoughts i was having. Then i would do anything to get away from thinking anything like it. I have played a lot of video games! Lol. Its great you are close to getting counseling!!! Talking hurts but it is healing too. ❤️
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FinallyHere
Feb 20 2014 10:40 AM

This is so monumental!!!  All I can speak is congratulations! Be well as you venture forth through the body's memories.

December 2014

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