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Needing a Reason

Posted by Wither , 28 December 2013 · 201 views

So most of the holidays have past. This year was actually a good one. It was the first year in 22 years that the anniversary of my surviving a violent abduction and rape passed me by. I never even noticed the day, October 6th. It was stunning when i realized it. And it was good. It gave me hope that maybe I was getting better, getting to a significant healing.
Perhaps that's true, but during these past few days, I have fallen into the same old dark pit. I tried to explain to my bestfriend. She asks WHY the guilt and shame that overwhelms me. And I am at a loss. I can say the words. I could tell her details. But I cannot convey the horror. And I cannot express the darkness that envelops me right now. And i feel that I have nobody and nowhere to go to scream and rage and cry and be understood.
I am so tired. I am tired of the fight each day. The fight to retain a semblance of sanity. I know I am losing the fight. I am a disappointment to my husband, my daughters and the rest of my family. I am giving up. I am letting all those motherfuckers win. I have no balance in my life. I do the barest amount to survive, but i don't take care of myself. I am slowly killing myself.
I know that if I continue on this path, I will surely die. I could live. I might be able to thrive someday. But i can't see it right now. I need a reason to continue. I am not strong. I need a reason. I need a reason.

I read this:

'It was stunning when i realized it. And it was good. It gave me hope that maybe I was getting better, getting to a significant healing.'

And wondered if this is something to hold on to.

What worked for me was the following:
I remembered I had had bad times and that in the past those bad times have passed and I have felt hopeful again. And that therefore there is the possibility that this might happen again.

Sitting with you.
Yes, it is something to hold on to. This is how I have continued. But I feel i am tired now. I am not going to hurt myself. I am feeling as if I am giving up. Its that old saying i always wondered about, 'he/she died of a broken heart'. I have always wondered about that and never understood, but I think i am beginning to understand it. I am going to be 50 years old and this entire time I have fought. It doesn't appear like it, I suppose. I haven't done anything in my life, except have my girls. I hold onto that fact too. It is dark here. In my mind and in my heart. I am always ashamed. I am always guilty. I am still running. Even the best athlete gets tired.
I have found (and I'm not saying that I assume you will find this too, it is just a thought) that it was 'easier' to keep going when it was clear what there was to fight against/process/heal from/whatever you call it. That as those things calm, when I experience the lows again it is somehow more draining, because there is less to fight against and it seems as if there will always be pain so 'why bother?'

Is this what you are talking about? So the athlete can keep going while he/she knows where the finish line is but once he/she reaches it and finds the finish line is not there after all he/she loses heart.

July 2016

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