Needing a Reason
Perhaps that's true, but during these past few days, I have fallen into the same old dark pit. I tried to explain to my bestfriend. She asks WHY the guilt and shame that overwhelms me. And I am at a loss. I can say the words. I could tell her details. But I cannot convey the horror. And I cannot express the darkness that envelops me right now. And i feel that I have nobody and nowhere to go to scream and rage and cry and be understood.
I am so tired. I am tired of the fight each day. The fight to retain a semblance of sanity. I know I am losing the fight. I am a disappointment to my husband, my daughters and the rest of my family. I am giving up. I am letting all those motherfuckers win. I have no balance in my life. I do the barest amount to survive, but i don't take care of myself. I am slowly killing myself.
I know that if I continue on this path, I will surely die. I could live. I might be able to thrive someday. But i can't see it right now. I need a reason to continue. I am not strong. I need a reason. I need a reason.