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Still Angry!

Posted by Wither , 31 August 2013 · 240 views

When i had my baby girls, i promised them and myself that i would never leave them, and that I would protect them. But as parents we can only do so much.
The day my first girl told me her cousin, my beloved nephew, had been molesting her, was when this overwhelming anger burst full-blown. It was so intense and powerful, I used my dissociative 'skills' to protect myself....and probably others.
My daughter was five. My nephew was fifteen. Both my mother and sister were in charge of watching the kids that one night. And both denied anything happened or could have happened and they continue in that belief til this very day!! My sister went so far as to hire a lawyer to represent my nephew. My nephew's mother, my oldest sister, denied everything and never spoke to me again. My father said nothing happened, my extended family said nothing happened. The cops didn't care if anything happened.....heard THAT before!
Most days i am fine as possible. Its when my sister comes for a vist and i have to meet her and my mother for dinner that i begin to feel so much anger again. It nags at me. Chews away at me. My brain runs and wrangles with thoughts. I do this until the wave passes and i am left behind, soaked and exhausted.
I am so angry. I don't think this anger will ever leave me. But i am getting better at dealing with it. A bit less depression. The guilt I carry for letting my daughter be hurt, as irrational as that may be, is slowly fading.
I have been in a storm of anger these past few days. Of course, my sister was in from California and i had to have dinner. Ok, i didn't HAVE to. I do it because I believe my sister and my mother and my father are actually good people. All of them have experiences in their own lives that prevents them from seeing a painful truth. I can understand. My own anger blinds me. It blinds me.

My darling. If you don't mind me calling you that. I feel for you although I have never felt what you have. I am a survivor but aware it's not the same . But the anger you feel. I relate. One thing I can say is sometimes anger can be used for good. Channeling it to do good thing. Even sharing your experience is a way of channeling it. I wish you hope and hope that you continue to believe in yourself. Take care
Having my daughter hurt the way i have been has always been my worst nightmare. I know my experiences have caused me great difficulty dealing with my daughters pain. Knowing my family would propagate such evil....even through ignorance. Forgiveness is tough but doable.
My daughter was molested and my mother could not come to terms with it or that family dynamics needed to be addressed. I was able to get through the pain and anger. The first time my daughter was around 5. The second time she was molested at age 12, by a school volunteer. He is in prison. She is now healthy and in college. I chose to Eliminate anyone that didn't support the youngest victim. I wonder who did what to your nephew, or what was going on in his world that brought him to this point. It worries me when young boys or girls cross this line. I worry what will happen in the future, especially when they have people hiring lawyers versus counselors. I know the pain you are going through, and the anger. I hope you fond support in your world.

July 2016

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