The day my first girl told me her cousin, my beloved nephew, had been molesting her, was when this overwhelming anger burst full-blown. It was so intense and powerful, I used my dissociative 'skills' to protect myself....and probably others.
My daughter was five. My nephew was fifteen. Both my mother and sister were in charge of watching the kids that one night. And both denied anything happened or could have happened and they continue in that belief til this very day!! My sister went so far as to hire a lawyer to represent my nephew. My nephew's mother, my oldest sister, denied everything and never spoke to me again. My father said nothing happened, my extended family said nothing happened. The cops didn't care if anything happened.....heard THAT before!
Most days i am fine as possible. Its when my sister comes for a vist and i have to meet her and my mother for dinner that i begin to feel so much anger again. It nags at me. Chews away at me. My brain runs and wrangles with thoughts. I do this until the wave passes and i am left behind, soaked and exhausted.
I am so angry. I don't think this anger will ever leave me. But i am getting better at dealing with it. A bit less depression. The guilt I carry for letting my daughter be hurt, as irrational as that may be, is slowly fading.
I have been in a storm of anger these past few days. Of course, my sister was in from California and i had to have dinner. Ok, i didn't HAVE to. I do it because I believe my sister and my mother and my father are actually good people. All of them have experiences in their own lives that prevents them from seeing a painful truth. I can understand. My own anger blinds me. It blinds me.