I wish life would be easier!!! I cant handle this all. bills are not getting paid because I have yet to get paid....FUCK!!!!!!!!! so angry...I feel like shit but of course i cant call in sick because I dont have the money to afford to do that.
Why do I keep remembering? sitting watching tv tonight a song came on and BOOOOM a flashback....I'm so tired of this shit I just want it all to end. I wish i could just talk about all this to someone other than my therapist...and just get it all of my chest..I wish i had the verbalization skills to do all that and to start a conversation. But no IM RUINED....I cant ask people for help, I cant do anything...I am so pathetic. I just hate all this I feel so pathetic, I dont want anyone to feel pity for me, thats why i dont ask for help with anything or talk about anything because people will think and feel pity for me and I dont need a pity party. my therapist told me that im doing great and that i need to keep doing what im doing, crying myself to sleep every night is not good...but maybe she sees something that i dont, who knows.
In a couple days it will be a month since alex has been gone, it just doesnt seem real...I was still planning on having a normal friendship with him. I miss him so much, such a great family he came from! fuck!!! then its valentines day!!! one more stupid holiday wasted...its nice that people can share the love with their spouse but, im tainted/ruined so i dont see things the way others do.