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My Rant.



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gahh..

Posted by bellaroo , 31 January 2013 · 23 views

I am sooo stressed. Why does everyone think Im fragile? Or why do they say one thing and do another?...I just ask people to be honest and straight forward with me...is that so hard?

I wish life would be easier!!! I cant handle this all. bills are not getting paid because I have yet to get paid....FUCK!!!!!!!!...


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how to ask for help?

Posted by bellaroo , 30 January 2013 · 38 views

i wish i could ask for help or even just to ask someone to talk or tell them how im feeling...I feel so isolated inside. Im so scared that if i ask someone to talk I will, Inconvience them or burden them or feel like im being needy/ clingy....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!! why the fuck cant i be normal lik...


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who cares

Posted by bellaroo , 27 January 2013 · 28 views

does my opinion even matter? NO...I feel like no one ever asks for my opinion or even trys to ask I know I have issues deciding...but come on. I just wanted to be treated equally!!!!!! I feel like no one cares...I feel so low. does it matter? I want to disappear. I want to feel better. I just want a rewind button and i will change...


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ranting

Posted by bellaroo , 25 January 2013 · 24 views

I feel just so alone. I want to feel whole again and feel the happiness that everyone else feels. but all i feel is emptiness....its terrible to say that. I feel so stupid for all of the feelings ive been feeling lately. I feel like people just want to get rid of me...and I feel like people dont want me around...again..im sure its stupid but its how i fee...


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i wish..

Posted by bellaroo , 24 January 2013 · 38 views

I so wish that i could ask for things from people...I dont want to be the "needy" type of friend. I know with trish I didnt even have to ask for anything she would just look at me and know that I needed something or hear it in my voice. This is a challenge...and I hate it!! Ive always felt that asking for something is when its an emergency...


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feel so alone

Posted by bellaroo , 23 January 2013 · 46 views

I feel so alone. I just want to be better and not have to deal with the constant nightmares,panic attacks, and flashbacks....I just want it all to end. I know this very stupid of me to say...but sometimes I feel like I have no one.I guess its just my head messing with me....but I just feel like no one cares.
I want trish back...she knew me like a book..s...


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I just wanna cry...gahhh...

Posted by bellaroo , 22 January 2013 · 27 views

im just so sad. I miss so many people, I wish I could just be held. I wish I could be told that everything will be alright(and believe)
I just want to sit and cry all day...i dont know even what to say right now other than the fact that im sad, lonely, every emotion mixed into one. :cry:/>

Its so scary...I just had a flashback...im starting to remem...


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life....

Posted by bellaroo , 21 January 2013 · 29 views

I absolutley LOATH flashbacks....I could just be sitting here and all of a sudden it hits me!!!!!...makes me feel like shit. Panic attacks are just as bad.

I had the worst dream ever last night...a friend of mine had been shot and killed from the man that molested me!!!! when will this ever end????!?!?!?...


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why...

Posted by bellaroo , 20 January 2013 · 24 views

why do I do this? I know I need to let my guard down but IM TERRIFIED of men. First off being molested for 9 years ...I just dont get it! why am I so scared of the good men...Ive seen the way they are and I know they arent going to hurt me...(or maybe hope its that they wont hurt me). Why cant I let it go...and let myself build relationships?...I feel...


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i feel like ive lost my mind

Posted by bellaroo , 19 January 2013 · 25 views

I've finally come to realization that trish isn't here....was I in denial?....probably!!!! I miss her so Damn much it hurts. I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't around?...I know people would be sad, sometimes I think it should've been me instead of her....trish was such a bigger impact on so many peopl...


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fuck....

Posted by bellaroo , 19 January 2013 · 24 views

if its not one thing its another....Im so worried about bills!!! fuck fuck fuck....then my mind goes on to other things and i just cant stop it from wandering and worrying about everything!!!.....cant I just re-live my life? that would be great...i wouldnt have any pain. i wish i could just disappear!!!


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dangling....

Posted by bellaroo , 16 January 2013 · 32 views

I hate being so pessimistic about things but this how my life has been...ive had one good day where I slept fantastic and but today is just absolutely awful....started at 2am with the most awful dream ive ever had, I woke up with a huge panic attack. The dream consisted of my molester strapped me into a chair and repeating everything he had done to me fro...


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FINALLLY!

Posted by bellaroo , 15 January 2013 · 47 views

SUCH A GOOD DAY!!!!!!!! I FINALLY GOT A GOOD DAY IN MONTHS. I slept great, I basically got the job I wanted. happy happy...no one talk to me so it cant be ruined!!! :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:


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thankful

Posted by bellaroo , 14 January 2013 · 25 views

I wish i could thank patti and rick for everything they do for me. I just feel like they do so much and I do so little I am so conflicted, they make my life worth while and i know thats corny or cheesy but they do. they are wonderful wonderful people <3 <3 <3


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so alone

Posted by bellaroo , 14 January 2013 · 26 views

I know that im not but I feel so alone. I feel like no one understands the real effects of what my molester took did too me. Most people nod there head and agree and say that they understand....but lets be honest? no one knows unless you are a victim/survivor.


Im so tired of having the same dream over and over again my molestor is trying to undress me a...


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Her birthday

Posted by bellaroo , 13 January 2013 · 27 views



Just so painful...its not the same without her...she was my mom...im so lost.


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conflicted,hurting, sad...all rolled into one

Posted by bellaroo , 12 January 2013 · 28 views

just soooo sad...tomorrow is the most dreadful day of all. Every year for trishs birthday I would bake a cake (better than sex cake, her favorite)...she would open the present i got her like a kid at christmas...she was just so excited. God its just awful...
I just feel so invisible, like would it matter? I feel like my opinion never matters because no on...


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invisible

Posted by bellaroo , 11 January 2013 · 38 views

so tired of my voice not being heard. ever since i was 6 I never have been able to speak for myself..I dont want that taken away from AGAIN. I just feel invisible...would it matter...two days till trish's birthday...she wouldve been 49. She was a mother to me....I just want to live without pain.. :( she was everything to me and knew me better than I...


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Gahhhh....

Posted by bellaroo , 10 January 2013 · 35 views

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrated! life has a nasty way of shitting on people! Im so tired of everyones bullshit!!! Im tired of being tired..tired of my family. tired of everything!!!! Ive hit my maximum for all I can take..I just dont know what to do anymore. I just would like ONE single day where I can wake up with no...


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sad

Posted by bellaroo , 09 January 2013 · 52 views

So much constant panic. So much constant pain. I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to crawl into a ball and cry and cry and cry....I'm just so sad. I wish someone could take it all away. :( I shouldn't have to live like this






January 2013

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