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How do you tell loved ones what has happened to you?

Posted by Dasein , 02 December 2012 · 69 views

I was drugged and raped about 4/5 years ago by my best friend from childhood. It has taken me this long to recognize and address the fact that I have been raped and its so painful and im so full of emotions but at the same time I also feel very numb at times. For years and years I was in denial, confusion, and most improtantly self blame which is why I never confronted him, and never told anyone.
I originally decided to go to the counsler to deal with my deep seated trust issues and i came to realize that it is because of what happened to me..all these years I have been pointing my finger at other people because I blamed them for me not being able to trust them, when now I realize it also has alot to do with me and most notably what happened to me. Ever since I came out about this all but 3 days ago, I feel like my mind and body are a mess. Im depressed and scared..

My parents and I are very close and they are very concerned about me ... I saw them today but I talked about other reasons I was depressed and so emotional, not the ROOT cause of why this has "come out of no where" to them. I felt terrible. Part of me wanted to come out and tell them but I just couldnt do it. I feel like I brake my parents heart..Im also scared that their going to blame me for what happened and treat me differently. Although i know how much my mom and dad love and care about me, it still terrifies me. I dont want to break their heart, especially my Dad, im his best friend and I know he just adores me, and I feel that if I tell him I would hurt him.. I just dont know what to do, I hate lying to them but I feel like I dont have a choice...

The same goes for my current boyfriend who I love with all my heart and soul. It was because of him that I chose to see and counsler and get help with my trust issues because I see how much it affects him and our relationship.I didnt want to loose him because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he provides with so much love, support, and comfort... however, he has also been diagnosed with depression lately. Although he is getting better and fighting everyday I feel like this is another obstacle in telling him. I want to tell him so he can better understand why I am the way I am, but im terrified in how he will react to it... Im scared he wont be able to handle it, or that he will think differently of me and leave me. This would completely devistate me since he is my inspiration at trying to heal myself. So not only am I terrified of his reaction, but I also dont want to contribute to his depression any further...I know he loves me and supports me but I feel like since I have not been able to cope with it for 4/5 years I dont know how he will either. This is what Im most scared of. I dont want to loose my parents or my boyfriend, but at the same time I feel like im distancing myself from them by not telling them the full truth about whats going on with me.

Does anyone have any advice for this? I would greatly appreciate it. I have been crying on and off all day and have developed quite the headache. I feel so rittled with worry, sadness, and numbness...

Building a relationship on honesty is, in my opinion, the best way to keep it healthy. I told the man who is now my husband when we're just Co workers, not even interested in each other. Between that time ad the time we started dating, I was assaulted by another Co worker. I told him about that one too when we decided to start dating.I wanted to be sure he knew what kind of craziness he was signing up for. He took it really well both times and has never pressed me for information but has always listened when I need to talk and understands that he doesn't get to have an opinion on the subject of r***. There was one time we watched law and order svu and he said the wrong thing and it set me off. We talked about it and he gets it now but just because you tell someone something that deep and emotional like that doesn't mean they are going to immediately remember and be sensitive to it.

As for parents, it can change things. My parents felt responsible for not having known what was going on in their house between their children. They both became depressed and wanted to talk to me more and be more involved in my life, but in my depression I just wanted to be left alone.

It may take some time for them all to come around to being supportive, news like that is always shocking and can give them any number of emotions themselves.

And when you do tell its good to have it written down for them to read so they can't interrupt you and you can ensure that they know the whole story and won't have too many questions after. It can be hard to get the words out with emotions running high.

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.
:hug: if OK.
My parents found out in a kind of odd way. I had only talked about what I thought had happened to one friend over fb. After I had come home from college due to depression, they got on my fb and read all my messages. Next thing I know, I'm in therapy and they're all "were you r***d?!". I said no, which is what caused my denial to go on longer than it should have. I didn't want them to freak out so I said I had just drank too much and that was all. I haven't actually gone back to them yet and told them up front what I know has happened. I'm still pulling myself out of denial, and at the same time, trying to control my emotions while at work with my one year anniversary of the **** 13 days away. I personally think each and every person has a different time when they feel comfortable telling others. But it'll be hard, it'll feel like we're responsible, but we're not.
Daesin: Only two people know. I will say that because I feel as though that my parents know, they will never "see" it. All I can say is that you are ten steps ahead of me because you are venting to someone, the therapist, which in my opinion is best.

Some advice that someone I know had told me, she was also molested and raped, is to tell your boyfriend. She said that she did not go into details with men she had sexual relationships with but that they had the idea.

May 2016

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