time to question why
in a couple of hours, i will be headed to this weeks therapy session. i am a bit nervous about this based on just how confused our last session ended up. however, i am starting to better understand why it is that i have such apprehension. i want to address that here so that i can have some dialogue in mind to discuss with my T.
last night i woke up from a nightmare about my T. i had been waiting with michael to see her in the waiting room. i overheard her say to her colleagues that she was going to try to book as many appointments as she could so she could make the most money possible. i was freaked out by the idea that making money mattered more to her than helping people. while i waited to see her, i had a change of heart and decided to leave and not return.
when i woke up from this dream, strong emotions followed. let it be known that i really like my T and believe she is helping me. i think that the problems i am having right now with therapy are more as a result of what happened after i was hospitalized in july and briefly ended up in a community residential mental health agency. i have come to face that what happened with the therapists and staff there was very traumatic for me.
what traumatized me is that they didn't see a person with ptsd. they didn't listen to me and they wanted to hear nothing from me about the various traumas i endured which led me into crisis. i felt betrayed by the way that the therapeutic director of the home treated both michael and myself. i was left without the best kind of help as a result of them changing my diagnosis to borderline personality disorder, which ended up dramatically re-framing how my trauma history was perceived by them, as if they saw that what happened to me was my fault or not even real.
now that its over and i resumed with my T, my trust in her has been compromised. thankfully, we will be able to address this together in session. maybe even work through some of the trauma and triggers through EMDR. i will write back later today after i have my appointment to highlight the result of what happens after i confront my T with my fears and concerns about how i was treated post-hospitalization.