the medium was tedium
i was finally able to get some sleep after a busy night of personal writing, term paper editing, and book selling for michael on amazon. unfortunately, that sleep didn't happen until about 1pm today, but thats fine. the insomnia has returned now that i'm off my meds and so are the nightmares. i'm at the point though, where i can better tolerate the nightmares. i am now able to break into them and recognize that they are what they are. as long as they're not really happening to me in real life,i know that i'm going to be ok. what they boil down to for me is an annoyance. i have no idea what its like NOT to have nightmares, to the point where i usually just refer to them as dreams.
i am super relieved the narrative of what happened last year with steve out of my system and put it on one of the forums. i have really tried to avoid thinking and talking about what took place then and it is a sign of progress that i am actually able to do that. telling the story gives me a better way to think about what took place and inspires me to feel strong, because if i went through all of that, i know that its possible to get through anything.
sometime last night, i sent a voicemail message to my T, letting her know that the EMDR stuff felt pretty off and how i would have liked to go about the session differently. i specifically expressed that it was not necessary for her to contact me until our next session, but she did call and i was sleeping so i missed that call. i have decided that i need a break from thinking about that session right now, so i will either return her call in the next few days or wait until we meet again. i always feel weird contacting her outside of the sessions. firstly, i don't want to end up becoming too dependent upon her for my healing- i would prefer to be able to use that hour to develop skills and then apply them to my life on my own. secondly, i want to keep the boundaries secure in that we aren't crossing too many lines by having contact outside of the hour a week where we are scheduled to interact.
right now, i am feeling really good, like i just want to jump, laugh and dance. i spent a couple of awesome hours with michael when i got up from sleeping. we went to get some food and cigarettes. it was excellent just taking some time to relax and laugh with each other. i also find that all the work i have been doing here and beyond is really helping me feel a lot less creeped out about being affectionate toward him. i am still not yet ready to go back to having sex, but i am moving slowly to being at a point where i can be comfortable with that.
last night, i had a long phone conversation with my mother. to my surprise and hers, i felt comfortable enough to describe to her the problems that michael and i are having about sex. even though it was weird at first and worked hard to keep my comments on the matter 'G' rated, she pointed out something profound with me. what she mentioned was that by breaking down and talking to her about this issue should be seen as a sign of progress. in other words, she pointed out, "if you can talk to your mom about your sexual problems, you can talk to anyone." i laughed because its so true.
she has encouraged me to open up more to my T about these problems so that she can help me work out some of the issues i have started to unwrap here on this site. my mom thinks that my T has been holding off on approaching the subject of sexuality because she doesn't want to frighten me, since she knows already that i have a lot of problems connecting with myself as a sexual being. for the first time in almost a year or so, i can tell that i am starting to open up.
seriously, i couldn't and wouldn't even say or write the word 'sex' after i reached my own personal limit with sexual violation. now that i'm processing how i feel and think through writing, the word 'sex' is becoming much easier to use. i think that my fear and inability to discuss sex has had a lot to do with protection. i think its because the fact that the sexual trauma situation had gone very public. i felt vulnerable holding the status of crime victim and even though i went to great lengths to hide myself from public scrutiny, i still recognized that it was ME that they were describing as the victim of a crime in the newspaper and local news broadcasts.
i admit that the lack of silence around my violation caused me to feel very damaged. i remember during that summer that i had tried to date a couple of different dudes before i met michael. the first guy i dated was kind of an asshole in that he told me that he thought i was crazy, damaged, and needed long term professional help before he thought i would ever be ready to date. this dude pretty much told me that my sexual trauma history was a major turn-off for him after i freaked out during an attempt to have sex. the way he went about it was pretty freaking rude, so it wasn't that hard to write him off, but i think that it kind of started there. i was going through this profoundly difficult experience and yet, there were people i tried to connect with expecting me to not be affected.
the next guy i dated was in a pretty well known as a musician in diy noise scene here in my state. at first, things worked out very well since we shared a lot of the same interest in music and art aesthetic and i came to discover that it was only surface deep. i came to learn that he was incredibly narcissistic and shallow. for the most part, i got the impression that he was dating me because i was in the epicenter of a major scandal in the music and art community in my state. since he was really interested in making his way into the inner-circle of the scene, i think he dated me hoping it would somehow get him scene points to date me during the height of the awareness of the criminal case.
furthermore, he liked calling me, 'nancy drew' and would always want to discuss the ins and outs of the experiences i was going through. i felt more like a subject in a true crime documentary than a real person that he related to and liked. i ended up flipping out on him over the phone one night after a night of drinking and dancing where i broke down that i thought that our whole connection was really too shallow for me to continue with. things got weird for a few days after that, but then we went our separate ways. i guess he got what he wanted though, because he can now say that he once was dating the girl who pressed charges and put this larger than life person in jail.
the rollercoaster ride with michael is coasting at a pleasant glide, which is a nice change of pace. i know that i still love him and that he is someone that i really want to work through this with. i believe that he is worth going through this with. time will tell, but i think that right now, taking a dialectical approach to the whole situation and perceiving it as a time of transition and change will be most helpful when things are rough.