Ch Ch Ch Changes
I write all of the time in my quest to finish my book. I have learned so much about myself in the process. I have traversed my life experiences, the people who have crossed my consciousness, the emotional atomic blasts that have forever changed the landscape of my life. I have learned a great deal of things. I have awoken deep questions about myself, the world, and the people that I have shared experiences with. I have learned that I have very few answers-- tons of questions.
I have become a much harder person in the last couple of years. I don't like that characteristic in myself but it is quite like a bell that can't be un-rung. I think once a person has developed a cache of hurt, personal violation, and betrayal... I think one can't help but have a bit of cynicism. I do try to not allow it to be my prevailing outlook on the world and life. I often fail quite miserably.
I feel like folly for the wicked more often than I feel like a viable and valuable person. I try to remind myself that not even I have the power to evaluate my value or validity as a person. Heaven knows that other people are not the best judge either; I would be what others would relinquish to the lost and found bin at the bottom of a forgotten shelf. I have learned that I must allow God alone to determine my worth as a human.