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My best friend uttered those words to me tonight. I was telling her how the detectives and my bosses were reacting to me being kidnapped and raped a few weeks ago.
"So, it's not like it's the first time that something bad like this has happened to you."
I mean no harm by this.... but sometimes those who call themselves survivors of sexual abuse/assault can be the most flippant and uncaring about something such as this happening to a person.
My therapist has told me on a few occasions that I didn't seem to show emotion about all of the things that have happened to me. I realized right after this happened to me that there was a very good reason for that. All of my life I had been so surrounded by people who were either the perpetrators of such things or those being paid (like therapists and caseworkers and such) to keep emotional distance and treat me and the situations with as much emotional distance as possible.
I had never seen or had modeled to me what an appropriate reaction would be from someone who was emotionally invested to the point that it effected them as well, at least that I could see from the outside.
I had always judged the importance, value, or detriment of any given situation by the actions and reactions of those around me. In short, it just didn't seem to be that important or earth shattering and I should treat it as such.
When this last thing happened, there were people around me that did not know my history of being abused. They didn't know that sexual assaults of varying kinds had happened to me before. Those people were there in the immediate aftermath of it. They saw first hand what that kind of thing can do to a person. They were and still are angry that someone could do that. I can see that in them. I was not tainted already to them. They didn't see it as "no big deal, she should be an old pro at handling these things being done to her".
After dealing with police and others professionals so much in the past, I have come to believe that someone taking sex from me is no different than eating from the bowl of nuts in the old time pubs. That's what the nuts are there for. There is more concern about the person eating from the bowl because of all of the other people who have put their hands in there before. Still though, it is a bowl of bar nuts and that is what they are there for.
I guess to most in the world who know my past, I'm just a nasty bowl of bar nuts. Drunk people can put their hands and mouths all over me because that is what I'm there for.
"So, it's not like it's the first time that something bad like this has happened to you."
I mean no harm by this.... but sometimes those who call themselves survivors of sexual abuse/assault can be the most flippant and uncaring about something such as this happening to a person.
My therapist has told me on a few occasions that I didn't seem to show emotion about all of the things that have happened to me. I realized right after this happened to me that there was a very good reason for that. All of my life I had been so surrounded by people who were either the perpetrators of such things or those being paid (like therapists and caseworkers and such) to keep emotional distance and treat me and the situations with as much emotional distance as possible.
I had never seen or had modeled to me what an appropriate reaction would be from someone who was emotionally invested to the point that it effected them as well, at least that I could see from the outside.
I had always judged the importance, value, or detriment of any given situation by the actions and reactions of those around me. In short, it just didn't seem to be that important or earth shattering and I should treat it as such.
When this last thing happened, there were people around me that did not know my history of being abused. They didn't know that sexual assaults of varying kinds had happened to me before. Those people were there in the immediate aftermath of it. They saw first hand what that kind of thing can do to a person. They were and still are angry that someone could do that. I can see that in them. I was not tainted already to them. They didn't see it as "no big deal, she should be an old pro at handling these things being done to her".
After dealing with police and others professionals so much in the past, I have come to believe that someone taking sex from me is no different than eating from the bowl of nuts in the old time pubs. That's what the nuts are there for. There is more concern about the person eating from the bowl because of all of the other people who have put their hands in there before. Still though, it is a bowl of bar nuts and that is what they are there for.
I guess to most in the world who know my past, I'm just a nasty bowl of bar nuts. Drunk people can put their hands and mouths all over me because that is what I'm there for.
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"So, it's not like it's the first time."
on Mar 03 2013 10:34 PM
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