I know I was sexually abused as a child, even before being raped by my ex-boyfriend at 15 when we were still together...I know I was hurt by an aunt, a brother (and saw him hurt our sister), and I know that one of my sisters also hurt me as a kid. I suppressed it for so long and it didn't come back to my mind until after a year or so of counseling, after I had been raped at 15. I thought I had lost my virginity at 15 when he forced himself on me after drugging me...but now I just have no idea when I really lost it. I remember destroying dolls as a child to cope with the abuse. I am filled with so much anger and resentment, bitterness, fear, confusion...until recently, I didn't understand why I was struggling so much with what happened almost 5 years ago now. This spring...April...that is the 5 year mark of it. I have been through counseling, tried dealing on my own, sought comfort and support from family/friends/pets/boyfriend/etc, and I am looking into group therapy now as well as posting on here, but even though the flashbacks and anxiety/panic attacks are nowhere near as bad as they once were, it is still so hard to deal with. I feel like crying, I feel like screaming. I want to yell at my grandmother for allowing my aunt near children when she knows what this aunt has done to her own family members and their kids. Allowing this aunt near kids unsupervised even! >.< It makes me so angry. I hate that my aunt follows me around church every time I go to church or a family event (hence why I avoid it a lot) and it made me so angry that she came into the hospital room when my sister had her first baby, my niece...a part of me wanted to slap my aunt for getting so close to my niece, because I was afraid she would touch her inappropriately and I know the only reason she didn't is because my sister watched our aunt like a hawk and held her newborn daughter the entire time our aunt was there. I was in the hospital the entire time my sister was in labor, I was there for the delivery, I was the first one to hold my niece (after my sister and the doctors and nurses of course), I was the one who took all the pictures, and I stayed with my sister and niece for several days until the hospital released them to go home. I was there for all that and my aunt being there, it was very difficult not to yell at her to get out and it was difficult not to yell at my grandmother for allowing aunt near my niece...my niece is a little over 2 months old now and I am just now getting this off my chest...it's been festering because I have been trying to ignore it and deal with it quietly so as not to upset family, but the reality is, because of everything my aunt has done to each and every one of my siblings, some of my cousins, some of my second-cousins, and myself, her very existence upsets the entire family daily. I don't wish her dead, I just wish she'd stay away and quit trying to hug me every time I see her. It pisses me off and makes me so uncomfortable but to avoid making a scene, I silently scream as she hugs me in front of the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, grandmother, cousins and their kids, etc) and if my grandfather were still alive, he would never allow my aunt (even though she is his daughter) to get within five feet of me or any child...and my grandmother, thou I try to not be angry with her because she isn't the abuser, the fact that she just stands by and allows the abuse to occur is what makes me angry. I have been dealing with what my ex did for so long, but I have been dealing with what members of my own family have done even longer and that hurts me more than what someone not related to me did, that makes me feel more betrayed.