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From: Why im here - the whole story

Posted by BeautyAndPain , 04 November 2012 · 30 views

Ok so wot brought me here .. . iv been dreading all of this but i need to get it all out in the open.


9 Years ago when i was 12 i was staying at a friends and i had gone to bed in a seperate room to my friend coz i was feeling ill. Can never remember why i did go alone or what was wrong.
So i was asleep and used to be a very heavy sleeper.
I woke up to someone on top of me, arm across my neck holding me down ( i remember it was really hard to breath) and also had a knife against my side.
He then went on to punching me in the face, chest , and side of the head.
Whilst he was telling me if i screamed he would kill me and who ever walked through the door so i had to keep quiet.
He then went on to ripping my trouser bottoms off whilst continous blows to my chest and stomach.
He went on to r!" me keeping sure i remembered the knife was there and he was willing to use it if i should make a sound.
At some point during this i must have passed out and came around to him finishing and then he went on to beating me further in stomach and chest
Then he went on to cutting my thighs with the knife and then put it up inside me and twisted. after he was satisfied that i had passed out - maybe he thought i was dead
he left.
i dont no how long i was left like this
but all i remember is being in so so so much pain and waking occasionally and then it going dark and cold as i passed out again
After this i woke up in the hospital

this person had broken into the hhome. but was still a young adult in his 20's. the person i was friends with it turned out hwe brother had got himself into drugs and debt from it and coz the parents were out that night he thought be a good time to get his money. i was in wrong place wrong time.
the whole time he was reminding me tho that he had all the pwer and could do exaclty what he wanted to do to me.
also at this point i was still a virgin so once he worked that out he was happpy to remind me that he was my first and i would always remeber that.

I dont reli remember the ride to the hospital there was bright lights and oxygen masks and pain reliief. and people talking in hushed but fast voices.
my parents were never called and to this day dont no. my so called 'friends' didnt want any this gettin back to them so called the ambulance but then that was it kind of thing. altho a family friend was called and did come but i had lots problems at home then and so she never called my parents as they thought i was stayin at a friends for the week anyway and i begged her not to.

At the hospital i dont remember this but iv been told all this - i was taken to theatre as they needed to get the bleeding stopped and were worried i need a blood transfusion. and so they applied stitiches to the tops of my legs and inside my V$%^&a. once this was done i was on high pain killers and tests were run and i had to go back to hospitals after for nerly a year for STI checks and checks inside me aswell.
i was discharged before the end of the week, i felt like a lot of the nurses etc thought i was dirty and only came if they had to for me and other children in the ward would ask why i was there and in the end the nurses had me moved to a room on my own outside of the children ward.
from this point i started with the nightmares and screaming through the night and if a nurse came to do temp etc i would on instinct try to get away or fight them . makin me reli hard patient i guess..

once i got back home i told my family that i had got into a fight hence some of the bruises on my face but i wouldnt let anyone see the rest of my body.
they were oblivious to the fact of what had happened. but more arguements occured within the family due to this as i withdrew and was angry and bitter.
No one ever asked though what had happened to me.
The nightmares carried on, a few times my mum would come in and try to wake me, but i got to the point were i was violent while asleep, so in the end i said to just leave me be whilst i slept.
After this i went through a stage were i would have three hours sleep on a night and sit near my door.as i had to keep the landing light on or i would get even more triggers.
I didnt want to have a nightmare so much that i was putting my body through hell to keep myself awake.
After this i looked into some sleeping tablets and iv now found that valerian root tablets help me to have less nightmares if i take two before i go to bed.
Once all the sticthces were taken out and had dissolved i then went through the points of diespising my body and a year later i turned to taking c%$^ to b albe to get a complete distachtment from it all in a bid to forget. it would work for the time i was high and i wouldnt remember it or get triggers but then id come down and remember it all worse and i was only 13.

so i self aborted - that bit is just to much i cant actually go into it. i didn't do anything i didnt even no i was preg at that age i new i had my periods but that was it... i was naive i was 12. but my body got rid of it.

Through 13 to 16 i self harmed , putting cuts on my tops of the arms and then as i worried they would be notices i went to my thighs were my scars are.
it was always about a sense of control and the fact that the pain i was inflicting was my own and not something i felt from another person.
It gave me a sense of relief and calm that i was somehow back in control of myself.
Whilst i was in school we had a school councellor and i wanted to go see her, so we started weekly sessions but then after so many my head of year decided that they needed my parents signature to carry on with it, she had helped me a lot with stopping the self harm and was working on my image and the way i saw myself.
So i left out the reasoins why and just sait to my mum that i wanted to do this and it was someone to me to talk to with who wasnt a part of the family. but instead of just saying yes and signing the forms that night he went on to a massive rant ( my dad) aabout if i needed to talk to anyone it would be only to them and not to a coucnellor and went on about how it would look to others and family memebers. Needless to say i never talked to them and i closed down even more as a teenager to them, and refused to talk and starting resenting him for not letting me get any help.
i wasnt allowed to carry on the councelling at school, although she did give me good ways to stop with elastic bands and pinging them when i felt the urge, it didnt work at first but after cutting down using the method it did slowly start to help more and more.
Not long after all this happened i met this biker ben i met him at 13, im not going to write about everything about him we would be here for to long and it wouldnt help anyway. All u need to know we was together for 3 years and happy. he was 6 years older but you wouldnt notice the differnece and wen we met he thought i was at least 17/18 haha anyway he never pressured me and above all made me feel loved and protected at all times. he got me off coke as he had just finished battling with gettin off it himself. he knew everything that happened to me and never ran away from any of it , yet was there to always support me, something i have not found in a relationship since.he died in a motorbike acccident tho four years after meeting him. but there was one occasion that he met my attacker.
id been working in my local pub with cash in hadn and been there for nearly a year, he would always come and meet me to walk me back at the end ofa shift or give me a ride home. That evening he has been drinking at the bar anwyay with his mates and by the end of the night everyone had left apart from him and his best mate chris an they had moced to sit at the bar out of my site - basically ended up that my attacker has been there most of the night watching and had been served by the other bar staff wsithout me relaising. they had all got talking to them as they wernt many years apart from chris who was older than ben by three years. As he was drunk and had gone on to tell them bascially he was waiting for the bar girl (me) as he neeeded to talk to her regarding an encounter when she was younger and a possible child - thats wat he said
well ben put two and two together checked it was me he was looking for and dragged him outside - i was only told about it as chris came running in coz he couldnt stop him and bascially the owner of the place was a mate of his and they went out and dragged ben inside and locked him in just as he was about to stamp on him in bike boots. it was the end of the ngiht so it was gettin all the last stragglers out the pub anyway. my attacker was badly beaten up bbut left no scares on him and that. i no it was wrong but to me it kind of gave a sense of justice for everything he did to me and the knife stuff he did
after ben passed away i went off to college i was about 16 ( i do skip bits here were there nothing to tell)
i met a boyfriend i was with for a year and half i was convicned that he loved me and he was a good guy at the time, but thinkin back on it i would of been so much better to never have met him - my parents tried to tell me but i did the typical teenage thing and just rebelled. but during that relationship he managed to make me so alone from friends and he would veto the friends i did have, and i had a few bad encounters with him hence why it is in here. once we had a college break and so for the afternoon went back to his. he proceeded to finger me - but was so hard that the scars bled and it was painful i had kept telling him to stop and it was hurting but he told me not to be stupid and that i was enjoying it but i just wanted it to stop. so i pretended to come so he would leave me be, after this i fet so humiliated that i had bled and it was on the bed but also he hasnt stopped and i had said it hurt and he knew i was bleeding.
another time i had really not wanted to have sex that night but i went along with it anyway just to get him to leave me alone so i could sleep. i new it would be done quicker than if i arguemed about it. after he cried at me and came out with this rubbish that he was now a rapist and was just as bad as the first guy and for some STUPID reason he had me so brain washed i was like no your not blah blah, why the hell or how the hell he had managed to get that response makes me feel so stupid thinking back yeah you are!
thinking back i wish i hadnt been so naive but i was also still grieving for ben and what shifted me awake was he started taking drugs and spent more time with his mates and drugs than me. i just didnt want to be around drugs again.
but ive found a lot of guys like to just finger hard and i hate it - it feels like someone it trying to hurt u, but it only seems to be the ones around my age so now i only go for older guys haha
Then my last disastrous abusive bf is my recent ex who i split from in march 2012 he was so controlling and i didnt wise up i dont no why. and any guy mates i had apparently i had to of slept with them we eneded up moving in after a year and he bascially changed to this monster who i had to jsut cook and clean for. and i had minor surgery and stitches and coz i couldnt do it it turned ww3 and he would be checking my emails my mob convincing me i was cheatin on him wen i wasnt.
then finally one day he accused me again and i just laughed at him and he pushed me across the kitchen but my bengal went for him and that but he said he would of beat me aand he wouldnt of known wen he would of stopped but in a post in relationships iv got about it ill link it to this rather than go through it again but it was awful some the things he came out with.

please if you have a question just ask

Source: Why im here

June 2016

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