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What am I doing?

Posted by one.day. , 01 August 2014 · 88 views

Trigger warning

He kicked me off the bed but not so it bruised. I hit my head on the cupboard mirror and fell on my ankle that broke last year. The time something Bad happened again. He's only ever done something like this once, he grabbed me by the arm and pushed me down - threatening to call the police. I pushed him into asking whether the scars on his arms were from work or self harm.

This time was because I followed him into the spare room after an argument about me not loving him because all of a sudden I hate touch. He was tired (not to make excuses, I was too). I 'poked the bear'. I was settling on fixing the row. I wanted him to hear my story. I don't want to hear it. Go away. I don't care. You hurt me, all I want is affection, so this is what it feels like. Go away. I climbed next to him (later finding out that I leaned on him too hard with my boney knobly elbows) - his reason for kicking me alongside other things.

When it happened, I called him all the names under the sun. Sat outside to calm down. I did think of the men who had been violent to me in the past, I did think that I had pushed him to the brink. I was shaking but I don't think it was as much fear, more anger and betrayal. Then I felt guilty :/

He came down, crying. He wanted take me a and e. Though I was fine, shaken but fine. He apologised over and over. He said that he was low life scum like his father (His dad was violent when he was a child). He said he didn't know where his anger suddenly rose from and how out of order it was. He was physically sick.

He talks to me now like I'm going to fall straight down. He wants me to get checked over, especially my ankle and that he would go too. The arguments have stopped but I've said to him that I'm not waiting for a ticking time bomb, if he feels bad, sorry for me, anything like that its irrelevant to being with me. I'd rather know what we are.

I'd rather know what we are.



There needs to be understanding before you can have acceptance.

November 2014

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