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Posted by one.day. , 20 June 2014 · 64 views

I can't sleep but I need to, I long to. Chapped raw hands, smell of bleach, the same ritual on repeat. It won't let me sleep. I itch, I ache, I hunger to just do it over again. One little thing wasn't quite right, now the whole thing needs to start again. But why? It even hurts to start a sentence with but - just because I was taught it to be wrong. Silly meaningless things, they don't even matter, not even worth revolving life around. Why can't I believe that? There shouldn't be any germs or disease. Contamination or dirt. Why do I believe its me that exudes it? It started out as a way to tire myself, occupy my mind away from the past, because its all I've ever been taught. If the house wasn't clean - there would be a punishment. He's not here so why am I doing the same? I don't miss that feeling of fear. Maybe the belief that its what I should feel, what makes me so special to think I deserve better? I'm just so so tired.

March 2015

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