Jump to content


*t* memories

Posted by one.day. , 07 April 2014 · 163 views

His fist is raised and I am caught. He has his boot on my tummy. I try to crawl away but he's too strong. Its so painful. I see my sister, she is shaking. I hope she isn't poorly again. It scares me more. She doesn't look like my sister. I know I need to be strong like she is for me. But I can't. She tells me to do what he says. It keeps him happy. We can't let our brother know. Her head is bleeding. I see the red. I know his buckle did that, he wore his favourite belt.

Please let me go. I'll be good. I promise. I swear. Please, not again. It hurts.

Its cold. We are shivering. Its winter but he says our clothes have to be washed. But that's ok, at least I get my pants. It feels like my feet are sticking to the yard. Its our fault that we are so filthy. My brother stands in the middle holding each of our hands. My brother's legs are covered in blues and reds. Long gashes on each one. A repeated strike for trying to pinch some bread. When He goes inside, my brother winks. My brother had hid some food in the coal bunker.

I'm so hungry. Please, can we have just something? Anything? It aches and my head hurts.

He likes his new game. It makes me feel ill. He says its so I stop falling asleep in school and the teachers will stop telling me off. He says its routine but I don't know that means. I don't like sleeping when He is in. It gives me bad dreams that are real. He has kept me awake for days. Everytime I think my eyes are shutting, he hurts me. He is angry, I have made him miss work to teach me. I like it when he's at work. I can sit in the bath and he won't hold me under.

Sometimes its okay to cry, my sister says its all the bad running away because it knows its been naughty. But that confuses me, was I always bad? I don't ask her that.

He has gone away again. He never comes back until he has enough fish. Sometimes, I wish the sea would get him. That's a bad thought, maybe he knows I think it and that's why he is always cross. My sister and brother have made me a tent in the living room. Its made out of bed sheets so I know it isn't really but I pretend too. He forgot to leave us dinner but I know he gets real busy or gets the tins mixed up with the dog food. But my brother said we do have a dog - I've never seen it.

There's always music when He's not at home. My brother and sister play the guitar. They're really clever they did it themselves. An old witch from His church dropped it off. She said we should be really lucky to have him as a father. Raising two of his own and a mongrel child with no woman in his life.

Sometimes when he hurts me. I close my eyes and see my little family playing the guitar. I pretend we are famous and he is just the newspaper man who takes photos. Its all in my head - I'm not that silly. I tell my brother I don't have a pretend world that's just for children. I don't know if he realises that I'm lying. But if that wasn't the truth, why would he do those things?

He would hurt me more when I stuttered or if I forgot to speak in his home language. My brother would try and teach me. He said I had to be really calm and imagine the words first. He taught me to write and read. Even if he thought it was boring at school. I hate school, the girls push me the mud because I talk funny. But that's okay, I don't want any of them as my friends. The teachers are nasty. They don't tell me any well dones. I even wrote a poem with all my best handwriting in to show them that I am trying. They laughed at it. So I ripped it up. My sister found it and now I have a piece, so does she and my brother.

I don't like it here. I just want to find my mum. So does my sister and brother. My brother says if we find her, she will love us and we can stay with her. I don't have the same mum. She won't like me. My brother found the photographs and the videos. I thought he was going to hurt us like He said. He cried. He shouted at us for not telling him. Now we are running away. Its like an adventure but real. I think we are sleeping on the seaside today. I hate the sea. It smells like Him. But everything will be okay because we have everything we need and no tins of food.

She doesn't look well. Really she doesn't. We can't carry on walking. Stay then - see if I care but we can't stop. My sister looks like she isn't there. I can't hurt her anymore. We need to stop. He will find us if we do.

And he did.

July 2016

24 25 2627282930

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.