Something, please anything, tempt me away from the sleep. At least the nightmares. I've tried everything. Everything. My night time ritual of cleaning has been done, it has to work. I can't bare to dream. To be afraid even when I sleep. To be out of control completely. I so desperately want to sleep. No matter how exhausted I am, sleep doesn't come for long. When it does all the bad is there. It waits for me. Just like Him. It must only be bursts but it feels like an eternity. Its new years day - I don't want another year of this. I can't keep it up. I'm so tired. I'm so sad and angry and scared. I can't cope - I think I need to admit it. But I can't tell anyone in real life. There isn't anyone. Its just me and memories.