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Posted by one.day. , 06 December 2013 · 86 views

I am standing there alone, remembering why I even came, even left, even tried. Its a struggle - I don't remember how I even got here. All I know is that I can still feel the guilt and pain. Can you still say your in control if you choose to lose control? Or still believe you can be? That's how it feels. To know you are going to do wrong - maybe - depending upon how the next drink goes. It was a choice. But is it chance, luck or fate? Or a decision to tempt them? Is that what happened in the first place? Was there always a choice?

I'm reached somewhere that I've always wanted to be. I've got chances - I just need to work hard and just keep control over myself. I can't afford to be stupid - but I can't afford to feel. I need a blockade on the fear and hurt. I need to actually make it to my audition or ill never know how it would ever have panned out. I know I'm not the best at what I do and I don't for a second believe I could ever do it. But to me its a personal goal - I gave something ago, I didn't quit, or run away like I normally do. The thing is - its so desperately what I want to do. I don't want to think, act or do. Not out of laziness but because my emotions have just gone crazy. Its all a big cycle. That one drink could tip everything over the edge - but if I don't have it - will I ever know?



August 2014

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